#rksep19eval

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jiwon doesn’t think of herself as some lovesick puppy. quite the opposite, ridden of the emotion in favor of storybook portrayals of highly superficial romances that could never be. that was hope it was supposed to be, wasn’t it? as long as they were in the movies, they couldn’t hurt her -- they wouldn’t. 

and unlike iu’s melancholic voice -- jiwon’s is devoid of hurt, of the pain that the song holds. of the longing that she knows should be carried in a single tune. no  --  jiwon doesn’t have any of that in her. she’s tried, fruitlessly so, but in the end, like the change in seasons so does her heart. ever so fickle, it wasn’t that she couldn’t stay interested  --  it was more that she could allow herself to stay invested. never knowing when the hurt will set in wracked her with nervousness and anxieties beyond her imagination. 

but she can fake it.

it’s something she’s learned best. from her father, from her mother, from the teachers and most of all through her own self discovery that people genuinely liked her better when she was acting as someone else rather than her true self. not many people could say that jiwon was the warmest person -- not if she didn’t put a smile on her face 24/7. not if she didn’t put herself out there to be known, no -- if she didn’t do any of these things, she’d end up like she did here at kt  --  afraid of things happening. afraid of the opportunities, afraid of change.

so she fakes it.

fakes that she’s okay with it. fakes the smiles even if deep down she wishes for them to be as real as she hoped they appeared.

( but even jiwon knew she wasn’t that good of an actress -- she was no kim minji, afterall )

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come performance day, jiwon isn’t sure how the day will go.

but rather than dwell on the pessimism -- a feat so hard that she had to pinch herself every time the doubt began to settle in -- she tried to think on the bright side. she tried to tack on a smile and go about her day as if everything would go as planned. that after days, weeks -- the whole month -- of preparation, she had to have progressed even a little bit ; she had to appear somewhat competent, even if it was just a little. 

it’s a heavy kind of expectation for herself. someone who had come into the company with no skills other than a substantial interest in recreating kpop choreographies ( and that wasn’t even as often as she thought it’d be ) ; nevertheless, she believed ( correction : she tried to believe ) this would be enough. this would be the change they were all looking for. this was the push in the right direction.

the one jiwon had needed.

the one to cement her belief that she finally belonged and she wasn’t just running in limbo on the search for a dream that wasn’t as impossible as everyone made it seem. after months of feeling inadequate, was this her redeeming moment?

it was an impossible idea to toy with ; one that carried dangerous consequences if it didn’t work out in the end  --  but what was it they said in the states? go big or go home?

jiwon didn’t want to go home -- not just yet. she didn’t want to give up on whatever this dream come be.

the man works hard to get the lines rights. words aren’t much of a problem to memorize, but understanding when to say each thing and how to properly express it was a bigger surprise than he had originally expected. singing looks so easy but it certainly isn’t.

     and yet, it was that very challenge that it seemed she needed to prepare herself for.

     as someone who hardly found herself watching dramas, despite her love for romance, love, and easy looking faces, simply because she’d just never really had the time to what with working and now being a trainee, her original search had been a difficult one— there were just too many new, beautiful songs to try and pick from!

     the task doesn’t intimidate her in the way it might have months ago, back when she was much fresher than she was now. no, it’s one she finds interesting, a twist for herself she’s sure she might have not picked if options were given. regardless of whether she was more likely to fail or not, more likely to make a fool of herself, nayeon was never one to give up without even trying. and so, as days pass on in the month, her time spent looking for songs as she practices her vocals more and more, she can’t help the excitement she feels.

     ballads were something gentle, something to grab the heart and leave others feeling intense emotion, whether it be sadness, happiness, excitement, or wonder for things to come. they left a sort of impact, and with each day she spends going over vocal lines, throat strained only slightly from usage she needs to get used to, nayeon makes it her goal to put as much feeling and heart into her performance as she possibly can.

     it’s difficult for heejin to understand just how quickly life can change within an instant, how easy it was for things to take a nose dive right off of a cliff the moment peace and tranquility tried to take root. she hated how defeated it made her feel, the pain in her neck and shoulders stemming from something far greater than simply pulling a muscle or stretching it a tad bit too far to one side. she could feel it with every move she made, with every rise of the sun in the sky as new days dawned and with every breath she took— an aching in her chest she’d never felt before.

     she can’t help but wonder if this was how jaehyun felt once they’d broken up, and the thought makes her toes curl.

     it’s easy to pretend it doesn’t hurt, however— easy to wear the mask she’s long since perfected, frenzied determination to do well and the hatred of appearing weak before anyone she didn’t approve of serving as her only motivation to push through the discomfort ( to push through the intense want she had to just curl up under her covers, to shut the world out, if only for a little while, and simply wallow in her own heartache ). she would never complain, never hold a grudge for it happening, not with the circumstances, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t allow herself to cry in the shower each night, the only place she truly allows herself to be vulnerable.

     ( even though there was a part of her that wanted to reach out for comfort, something she only allowed herself to do with a select few, she hated feeling like she was a burden. )

     it’s all she can do to focus, to pour herself into training, practicing, doing what she can to distract her mind and keep it occupied with what was right in front of her. how painfully ironic that, for this month, sweet words and loving melodies seemed to be the main point for evaluations.

     it’s not until she stood before trainers, piano filling the calm and quiet space surrounding them, that she realizes just how pained she is— the way her voice seems to get thicker as she runs through the melody, far more emotional than she’d ever remembered singing it when practicing. how each key of the piano being played seemed to pull at something in her heart, the rate of it picking up. how the lyrics, dripping from her own lips, ring in her ears. she knows why she’d picked this song, why it’d been so hard to find, but undoubtedly easy to commit to.

     why she bursts into tears in a bathroom stall once her performance is all said and down, tears clinging to her lashes where she’d once been happily grinning as she made her exit from the evaluation room.

     in a way, it’s her own last promise.

During rehearsals, he was constantly watching her, entranced by how she sang and even more reassuring that he had made the right choice in asking her to be his partner this eval. minhyuk is still trying to understand wholly as to his full feelings towards her but also he can't forget that he's dating her friend and as much as he wants to be selfish, he can't. he can't drive a wedge between friends.  in the back of his mind,  the entire month, is just that  vision of gray constantly telling him that they would be a great match since they are workaholics, and minhyuk can see that in how she approaches things. a part of him envies that, but also a part of him admires that. 

he knows that he's not the leading man in this drama, he's the second lead and the second lead rarely ever gets the girl. minhee is incredible, minhyuk knows that she's probably got so many guys chasing her. what shots does he actually have at being with someone so legitimately far out of his league? 

the performance kicked off with his passionate rap. he was the hidden rapper of kt with his good looks and his quick rap style that almost took over every time he rapped. his flow was good  and he then paused and listened as she sang. her voice was almost like a healing contrast to his quick rapping technique and much like the drama, they almost were like killing and healing the audience (the coaches), with one song.  

the song resurfaced a lot of emotions and memories, especially that rainy night when he had rescued her, like a wizard of weather, with a magical umbrella. the small move of her biting her lip didn't escape and minhyuk wondered how everything would have unfolded for them, had he not accepted hwayoung's date offer, had they not pranked gray,....would he be feeling these things like thiis? or would he be stuck on the sidelines? 

he reached out as he rapped his whole 'you embraced my lost feelings' verse, since it was so close to his heart. even that little intermission with her singing and him rapping at the same time was almost painful. minhyuk felt so many regrets but would that mean that he was actually falling or  maybe it was the song?