#reverse mer!killian

I asked for ideas for what to write on my days off, and @unworried-corsair suggested "mer!squid". This is probably not what anyone was expecting.

I'M NOT SORRY.

--------

When Killian had been contacted by Ursula via shell phone, asking to meet on his ship, Killian hadn't expected this.

He'd found her on deck, staring out to sea, with a tiny girl about the same age as Hope cradled in her arms. Ursula regarded him solemnly, a look the child mimicked perfectly.

"Thank you for coming," Ursula said.

"I'm not one to turn away a lady in need," Killian said. "Speaking of... who's this lovely lass?" He leaned closer to the girl, and she scowled at him. A turquoise tentacle slapped him in the face.

Ursula smiled, a genuine one he hadn't seen since she was a good who'd still hoped for escape. "This is Uma," she said. "My daughter."

"She's lovely. Takes after you," he said, dodging another tentacle, only to be hit in the ear by a third.

Uma giggled.

"She's actually why I'm here," Ursula said. "I'm going to be away for a week, and I can't bring her with me. I was hoping you could babysit."

"Ah...me? A babysitter?" Killian scratched behind his ear. That was a new one.

"I've heard you have a child of your own," Ursula said. "I know you can handle her. And you and Emma would be able to defend her if necessary."

"Just how dangerous is this journey of yours?" Killian asked, eyes narrowing. "Are we in danger?" He didn't want to bring trouble down on his home and his own child.

Ursula hesitated. "Not yet," she said. "But if something were to go wrong..."

"Are you leaving immediately? I'd like to discuss this with Emma."

Ursula nodded. "I understand. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Please let me know when you have an answer."

"Aye. Where will you be staying?"

Ursula sighed. "I'll probably end up at Granny's inn. But it's better she stays near water for now."

Uma squinted her eyes at him. Killian imitated her. Uma stuck out her tongue. Killian reciprocated. Uma giggled.

"Why don't you stay on my ship for the night?" Killian asked. "My cabin is big enough for you and the lass. I'll try not to keep you waiting for an answer."

"Thank you," Ursula said. Uma babbled something that Killian chose to interpret as a thanks as well.

--------

When Killian brought it up with Emma later that night, he was surprised when she quickly agreed.

"It could be good for Hope to be around another baby," Emma said. "Plus...I know you still feel guilty for what you did all those years ago. It might help you gain peace of mind."

She wasn't wrong. Killian felt guilty about a lot of things he'd done, and he tried to help as many people he'd wronged as he could.

Killian contacted Ursula to let her know, and he and Emma met up with her the following morning.

The calm, collected Ursula of the previous day was gone, replaced by a frantic mother trying to tell them everything they needed to know about taking care of Uma.

Killian assured her they knew what they were doing, and he was certain they'd be fine, until - "There's one last little thing," Ursula said. "Uma needs to be in the water a few hours a day, the deeper the better. I was hoping you would consent to becoming a merperson so you can watch her in the deeps."

Killian's jaw dropped. "What?" he yelped.

"Temporarily! It's just while you're in the water," Ursula said quickly. "Once you dry out, you'll have legs again."

"Ah..." Killian had no idea how to respond.

"That wouldn't be so bad," Emma said. "Fins for a few hours a day? You may even enjoy it."

"Tentacles, actually," Ursula said. "Uma would be more comfortable if you had tentacles."

"All right," Killian said, feeling a little uneasy, but willing to give it a try. "Let's do this."

Ursula waved her hands, and Killian felt her magic slowly rise within him, like the tide coming in. Suddenly, his legs collapsed from under him, and there seemed to be way too many of them.

Much to his annoyance, his pants split.

Then things got really strange; his face itched, his skin crawled, and suddenly he found he was somehow looking both up and down at the same time. "Bloody hell!" he yelped.

"What's wrong with his eyes?!" Emma cried.

Killian tried to look at her, but could only seem to see her feet. And the sky.

"Huh. I wasn't expecting a cock-eyed squid," Ursula said.

"A what?" Killian tried to glare at her. His eyes wouldn't cooperate.

"Don't worry, it'll wear off in a moment, until you're in the water. I really appreciate this, Killian, Emma. You be good for them, Uma. I'll bring something back from a sunken ship, okay?"

There was a splash, and then it was quiet.

"Ah," was all Emma could say. Uma giggled. Something poked at his skyward-facing eye.

Then he felt it: a tingle of magic washing through him, and suddenly, he had legs again, bare and hairy and sprawled out in front of him like limp noodles.

But there was something really, really wrong - his eyes were way lower than they should have been, and still cock-eyed.

Also, he didn't seem to have arms.

That was concerning.

Emma walked into the field of vision of his upward-facing eye. She looked horrified. "Killian?" She asked in a strangled voice.

He couldn't seem to reply.

He tried to stand, but it was difficult without arms. What had happened?!

"You're reversed!"

Reversed? Like, what, legs and a squid body?

Bloody hell, that was EXACTLY what had happened, wasn't it?

Emma dissolved into hysterical laughter. "You look like a giant penis with legs!"

I feel like I should apologize...

So we have reverse merperson Killian, who took off his shell for you, and reverse mercrocodile Jones, who is really embarrassed and annoyed that his arm is too stumpy to cover himself.

Vampire Old Hook turned into a bat and photobombed.

The fault for this lies ENTIRELY on @killian-whump , who misread 'Westworld' on one of my posts. It's not my fault I came up with this abomination.

I actually haven't seen "Waterworld" since it came out in theaters and I was reluctantly dragged along to it, so I had to look it up on Wikipedia. The only thing I remember is the underwater kiss that helped the woman breathe. Which wouldn't exactly work with someone who has a giant fish head, so...

--------

When Hook had arrived at their atoll, Emma had never imagined she'd find herself here. The fish man had been absurd, with his giant, gaping mouth and long, smooth body leading to skinny, hair-covered human legs.

She'd been more than a little repulsed, honestly. But when the Smokers had attacked and she'd sought escape for herself and Henry, she'd run to him.

Only to find an astonishingly handsome man in his place. If it weren't for the fact that he wore the same hook for his hand that the fish man had, Emma would have thought there'd been some sort of switch.

It turned out Hook only had the fish head when he'd been immersed underwater for a time.

He'd agreed to take them, which was how they'd ended up here, sheltering beneath his boat as the pirates tore it apart in their search for Henry.

She was running out of air. The diving bell she'd used to explore the sunken city was long gone, and she was on the verge of choking.

Suddenly, something warm and dark engulfed her head, and she instinctively opened her mouth to scream. To her surprise, there was a rush of hot, fetid air. Disgusting, but breathable. But how...?

As her eyes adjusted, she realized the horrific truth: Hook had her head in his mouth. His gills were providing precious air. She tried not to wretch, telling herself this was preferable to drowning. She needed to survive, for Henry's sake.

She was going to have nightmares about this...

Abruptly, Hook spat her out, and snagged her with his hook before she could drift too far. He pulled her to the surface, letting out a cry if dismay when he saw the burning ruin if his ship.

"Henry!" Emma screamed.

"Gone," Hook said. "They won't harm him, Love. They need him. We'll get him back."

"How?" Emma demanded, as Hook swam towards his ship, towing her along.

"I have an idea," is all he said.

"I hope it's better than your last one," she grumbled. "Being deep-throated by a fish is something I never want to do again."

-------

Together, they rescue Henry, find Dryland, and live happily ever after. The end.

I take no blame for this whatsoever.

I have done nothing wrong, ever.

In a CS Waterworld AU where Killian is a merpeen, how would the scene where he's breathing for her by kissing her work?

He'd have a giant fish head. It wouldn't be good for kissing. Would he, like, have to swallow Emma's head or something so she could get air?

Also, that's like the ONLY scene I remember from the movie, so it would be the only thing I could write, so this is IMPORTANT.

The Black Fairy trapped Killian in his merform right before their wedding. But nothing would stop this True Love couple from saying their vows!