#restles

I’m so agitated and restless and I need to write write write everything down without making any logical sentences and connections maybe but I need to get things off my chest.

How about just sitting outside with a glass of wine and talk about things that are not worrying you. I’m always involved in conversations that are motivating you to talk about your greatest fears, your problems and worst experiences. I need to say those things. It liberates me. But right now i just want to feel at peace and listen to someone saying something without meaning. Just listening, feeling at ease and no needs to worry.

Because so many times in a day I say yes and mean no or the other way round. And then comes the moment when yes and no have the same meaning to you and it’s not important what you say because things happen anyway and you just sit there, letting things happen and procrastinating on the important stuff in life.

But oh I know nothing about the important stuff. I know nothing. Just how to ignore and not know it. I’m living in a small bubble without worrying about the real important stuff and with problems that feel like heavy stones on your shoulders but are just some grains of dust compared to everything else.

Now, everything is planned and like it should be but when it changes you change too and who am I then. Will I be able to find my way in a labyrinth of possibilities, limits and people whom I haven’t met yet.

What, of all this, will matter in a year or in five. Everything seems far away but isn’t. And all my worries are pointless because tomorrow there are others that seem far more grave than yesterdays and in the end everything is too big and too complicated. The weight is too heavy and the thoughts and worries are too loud because I’m too much for my own good. And when everything screams I retreat and go to sleep. And it’s another step in a unknown land which I can’t stop from coming, even though I always imagined that I never get so far.