#request for mutual

I’m interpreting happiest as something that makes me, as the reader, inordinately happy. Like, instant internal laughs when I write or read about it. 

So, my favorite happiest headcanon of Severus, the one that brings me the most joy is mainly just this:

He despises Dolores Umbridge even more (if possible) than the other members of staff, and will actively do everything to make her life miserable. (In every way possible).

I 110% believe that Snape would have done anything to sabotage or mock her her during her tenure (like he did with the Veritaserum for example, or ‘Obviously.’) — but worse. And he’d hide it so well that no one would know it was him, or if they knew, they would keep it to themselves or say nothing. (I think Pomfrey and Minerva and Hooch would know, for sure.)

1. Basically, my favorite headcanon is — when Fred and George unleash their fireworks on Umbridge as a distraction — Snape does absolutely nothing to stop them. He may give one or two sly points to Gryffindor. Who knows, he might send out a few fireworks of his own, or cast charms on the Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs to either make them multiply or even more impossible to extinguish with Finite Incantatem.

While I’ve had this headcanon for years and years, I recently discovered that there are loads of writers out there who agree with my HC completely. My favorite scene that I’ve ever read of this exact thing was in a Snamione fic that I discovered some time ago and I can’t remember what the fic was called (feel free to tag if you know what the name of it was/who the author is) (Edit: @forwhomtheteasteeps reminds me in the comments that the fic in question is “Chasing the Sun” by Loten — which by the way is one of the best Snamione fics I have ever had the pleasure of reading [alongside Sin & Vice and Pet Project and SOOOO many more]. I re-read it often.)

In the scene, Snape puts a Catherine wheel firework on the door of Umbridge’s office using a Permanent Sticking Charm, and he runs around like Saint George (exact description from the fic) while defeating a firework-dragon. The only person who saw him do this, in that fic, is Hermione. 

Which, while it absolutely worked for that fic, in my headcanon, no one would witness him doing this. Him having fun would completely be a private moment of pure joy, borne of hatred and spite for our least-favorite pink toad. Edit: there is a possibility of Minerva being ‘in on it,’ though. They were both very naughty towards Umbridge in canon and I definitely see there being some inter-house unity there. 

2. Outside of the Weasleys’ grand escape, I like to think that Snape does things to make Umbridge enraged, without her ever knowing who did it. Casting spells on her cats’ milk to make it curdle? Absolutely. Turning everything in her office Slytherin-green? Yes. Hell, a whoopee cushion on her chair at the Head Table? Without hesitation. Dog piss in her mouthwash? Indeed. Permanent Sticking Charm on her personal hair products? Undoubtedly. A Boggart in her wardrobe? Faster than you can say ‘Quidditch.’ A depilatory potion in the shampoo she uses for her pet cats? Delicious. Teaming up with the Hogwarts Elves to make sure all her food is bland as hell? Yes please. 

I also think Snape would be a patron of Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes, or at the very least, he’d have helped them with the Potions-work when their company was in its development stages. This also explains why the twins never seemed afraid or bothered by Snape. They just maintained a respectful distance publicly, which makes me think they definitely collaborated. I can imagine Snape saying:

“I will assist you, Mr. Weasley,” he said, looking at each of the twins in turn, “On the one condition that you leave me in peace afterwards and that you will never speak of this to another living soul once our business is completed. If I should find out that you have spoken of this to anyone, there will be...,” his eyes narrowed, “Consequences,” he said silkly. “Is that clear?”

After their collaboration, more than likely, they would have him put down for royalties in their company anyway — because Gryffindor Sentimentality™ and morals. Which would also mean that Snape would have a steady stream of passive income from prank gifts. The idea is just... so satisfying. Also I think that the Weasley twins would be pretty trusting of him, and in my Headcanon, Severus eventually comes clean to George about the whole Ear Thing™ and says he’s sorry, but George cheerfully says “Nah, mate, don’t be. If it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have discovered a whole new world of ear-related humor.” And Snape’s just... completely bemused at that line of thought. But also deeply relieved that George accepted his apology. 

3. My third HC on this topic is that Severus would (despite Umbridge’s alliance to the Death Eaters and Voldemort later on) absolutely bring Lucius and Narcissa in on the anti-Umbridge joke. He’d ask them to have bribe their connections at the Ministry to have them make Umbridge’s life miserable, too, all the way up to the Battle of Hogwarts. There is no escape from Slytherin solidarity.

4. I think Snape would be the only other person aside from the Bloody Baron who could influence Peeves. I also think that he (like the Weasley twins) would also privately tell Peeves to give Umbridge hell. 

5. We know that Snape is morally grey, but I think he’d use very subtle Legilimency to make Umbridge do ridiculous things. For example, if she’s speaking at the Head Table and she makes the mistake of making eye-contact with him, Snape might mentally say, Stutter. And then Umbridge trips over her words in the middle of her speech. He might cast Confundus charms on her, and maybe — just maybe — Imperio, to make her look stupid. (Not, he’d argue, that she needs any help in that department). 

I think that in Harry’s Fifth Year, Snape would have done just about anything to get his kicks. It was a dark year. We’ve seen (at the Yule Ball) that he loves to blast roses off the bushes and catch couples kissing in the hedgerows and coaches, so he clearly enjoys these small thrills where he can get them. After Fifth Year, things get pretty dark for Snape, so it’s almost his last chance to have some innocent fun. 

My second favorite happiest headcanon of Severus is:

He is good friends with Hagrid, Filch, Pomfrey, Minerva and Hooch, and gets along with Sprout and Flitwick, and Professor Vector.

In the canon he seems perfectly civil with Hagrid — and we don’t get too many interactions between him and Pomfrey. But we do know that his friendly rivalry with Minerva was a thing, and that he’d have had to know Hooch pretty well for her to trust him as a referee on the Quidditch pitch. 

I think that Snape probably has an agreement with Filch and Hagrid, that any students who are late to the Welcoming Feast will immediately get reported to him, with no intermediary. Again, just so he can get his kicks and scare the sh•t out of the latecomers. 

I do think that Hagrid and Snape would occasionally have tea together. I also think Snape would help Hagrid, along with Sprout, with finding the Christmas tree every year or every other year. 

I think that he would spend long evenings playing chess with Minerva and over breakfast he’d sometimes argue playfully with Flitwick on whether or not certain Charms are ‘foolish wand waving.’ In fact, I also think that Snape would use the words ‘foolish’ and ‘Charms’ as often as possible just to get Flitwick to get all defensive about it. 

Snape would spend late evenings with Vector, discussing Arithmancy and Potions over a glass of Firewhiskey or a good port or elf-made wine. 

It’s also only logical that when Snape is too weak to heal himself, Pomfrey would be there. She would have seen him countless times in the infirmary when he was younger. So I definitely think there’s something important in that relationship, and that potentially Pomfrey is one of the only real female nurturing figures and role-models he’s had. I also think he’d pretend to be annoyed by her fussing, but would secretly enjoy and be grateful for it. And she knows it.

I think that Snape is also one of Argus Filch’s staunchest supporters. Despite Snape’s sarcasm when speaking to/about Filch, I think he genuinely would throw himself in front of an Avada if Filch were on the other end of it. I think his relentless support of Hogwart’s resident Squib would also be another reason why Dumbledore trusts Snape so much. I mean, what Death Eater would want to be seen with a Squib, and not even a bourgeois Squib, but a Caretaker? Snape has no such preoccupations about Filch, and in fact, doesn’t mind his company at all. He’s just fine with signing up for patrol rounds with Filch on a weekly basis.

I also think that’s why Filch goes to Snape first for everything, and is always certain that Snape will agree with him on matters of catching students after-hours or various methods of punishment in detention. I can totally imagine this Snape saying this: 

“No, Filch, I cannot condone hanging Potter by his thumbs, though it would undoubtedly be entertaining to witness such a scene. Alas — that method is outdated and lacks subtlety and is, regrettably, frowned upon by the Ministry,” Snape drawled. He turned his gaze to Harry, and glared at him unwaveringly. “You may, however, opt for the slightly more modern approach of making Potter clean anything you desire, for as long as you wish, using a toothbrush and nothing else, until such time as you find the standard of cleanliness... satisfactory.” He paused, eyes glittering. “Ah, and... I will ensure that the Headmaster agrees to this.” 

I can imagine Filch’s eyes lighting up as he looks at Harry, clearly thinking of all the possibilities, and I can see Harry shrinking as he realizes that there’s no escape. 

Filch and Snape are the dynamic duo. Fight me. 

Another headcanon about Snape that I like: 

Being an expert in Dark Magic and life after death (he would have done hours of research after Lily died), I bet he knows the secret to helping every ghost at Hogwarts to find closure and thereby be able to pass Beyond the Veil — but he won’t do it. And he won’t tell the other professors how, either, no matter how much they beg him. (What this effectively means is that he knows each ghost intimately enough to know their innermost secrets, which is so inherently Slytherin, and then he uses that knowledge to his advantage — some of the ghosts may have asked him to explicitly not help them move on). And I think the other teachers know this, and half-blame him for the continued existence of Peeves, Myrtle and...  Professor Binns. (I know Peeves is a poltergeist which is a magical being rather than a ghost, but still). 

(Also, side note about Peeves. I know that poltergeists are indestructible spirits of chaos, and are not humans who passed away. Still, my little headcanon for him is that he’s one of the rare exceptions to the rule of poltergeists, and that he was alive at one point. I like to imagine that he was a 16th or 17th–century wizarding court jester, who got sentenced to magical execution for some really tasteless prank or joke, except that he still had loads of pranks and jokes he wanted to try that he hadn’t had the chance to do in life, which is the reason why he stuck around and didn’t go Beyond the Veil. And he chose Hogwarts because it was one of the last inhabited British Wizarding castles.)

Edit: I think Snape would have conversations with Binns about the evolution of DADA and Potions through history, and say something like:

“I must confess, Cuthbert, your insights on the invention of the Expelliarmus are positively invaluable. I fail to imagine how Hogwarts would function without you.”

And then just, walk away, knowing (with pure self-satisfaction) that Binns will stick around for another 60 years or more. Also yes Professor Binns’ first name is Cuthbert. I’m just -

Another funny headcanon for Snape

I think that while he was more than likely immune to the effects of Dreamless Sleep, he is definitely susceptible to Pepper-Up if he’s exhausted or drunk, and avoids it like the plague because he knows it’ll make him jolly — god forbid — if he overdoses. 

I think that it’s a game that the other teachers play to try and slip Pepper-Up into his food or drink, which is actually more of the reason why he’s so careful about smelling food/drink before consuming it – even more than the idea of being poisoned or cursed. 

And one time, at New Years’, Professor McGonagall is the one who was successful, and she’d combined the normal dose of Pepper-Up with six drops of Carousing Concoction™ (Carousing Concoction is one of my original potion HCs that I made up, and I mention it in some of my fics). What happened next? Snape removed his cravat and outer cloak, unbuttoned his collar half way down his chest and rolled up his sleeves, before summoning a set of bagpipes, accordion and a fiddle, and charming them to play themselves for the rest of the night. Then, he proceeded to raucously sing and dance to Scottish reels and jigs with the other teachers until about roughly 4 am. ( @girilimoni posted this drawing where there are bagpipes and Dumbledore is making Snape sing and it made me immediately think of this headcanon).

Anyway, Minerva had to protect herself for days afterward, for fear of an Obliviate, or any other curse or hex coming her way. In the end Snape got his revenge; she was stuck in her feline form for a week, and to the students’ horror and his wicked delight, he got to take over Transfigurations classes.

Edit: Another headcanon of mine is that Severus’s second best-kept secret (after everything about Lily and the Marauders and the Prophecy and the fact that he’s a spy) is that he has a real sense of humor and loves to laugh. But especially, he finds his sense of humor amusing, and Minerva’s, Hooch’s, and Lucius’s. At rare moments, Snape might find Dumbledore (or at least his indignant reactions) entertaining humor-wise. Despite himself, he has been amused more than once by the Weasley twins, and he definitely found Hermione Granger’s Second-Year Furry Polyjuice Failure™ so funny that he had to cast a hurried Muffliato when he laid eyes on her prone half-feline form, in case someone heard him laugh.

Despite having had a really rough childhood and adolescence and an adulthood that was, in many ways, hundreds of times worse, I think he has a dark, wry, sarcastic, dry sense of humor — and the beast tends to awaken when there’s an easy victim (someone stupid/mean/or someone who has an inflated ego) nearby. (Umbridge and Lockhart were definitely immediately on his radar, like as soon as he saw them, he zeroed in on them. They became prey.) His humor is like a coping mechanism for his own dark thoughts, in a sense. It would give him control over situations that are out of his hands completely, while also forcing him to be present and in the moment instead of moping/getting into bad thought cycles. 

He’s so aware of the human condition, and has such an intimate knowledge of how people’s minds work (thank you, Legilimency and undercover spy work), that he knows exactly what to say to make people embarrassed, or to make people angry or even cringe at themselves (think of Neville, Harry, Ron, Sirius, Lupin, Minerva, Tonks). He knows how to get people riled up with the simplest of words or expressions. Also, making sure people know that he is powerful verbally means that they are less likely to mess with him, and isn’t that the most Slytherin thing ever?

The fact that he goes out of his way to understand other people and learn things about them and find out their secrets, just so he can yank their chain is, to me, absolute gold. He knows how to use someone’s flaws to make them upset with themselves. It’s the most artful form of manipulation there is; and the best part is that it’s infuriating, but it’s not something you could get him arrested for, not by any stretch of the imagination. 

And he finds it hilarious. How else is he going to derive pleasure from social interaction, after all? 

Pushing people’s buttons = Severus Snape’s favorite pastime, right up there with intellectual debates, watching Quidditch, putting up protective wards, practicing DADA, and making/writing about potions.

One last one.

I wanted to write a headcanon for how Snape is touch-starved as well, so any form of well-meaning physical contact (platonic or otherwise) is something that gets burned into his memory forever. Like, he never forgets a hug — even if he pretends to hate physical contact, if you catch him at a vulnerable place in his life, he will melt internally, and then he’ll forever be loyal to you, in subtle ways. Making sure your food/drink isn’t poisoned. Helping you levitate things if you’re short. Helping you find something if you lost it. Taking over your patrol rounds without telling you, so you get the night off. Small things. 

If you’re a real friend of Severus Snape’s, or if you’ve ever treated him with genuine kindness/respect/sincerity, then he’s got your back for life, in every subtle Slytherin way possible. 

That said, it doesn’t guarantee that he’s doing these things for free. Eventually, he might want to collect favors. But generally, with most of the people he has kind of put a claim to, he doesn’t get conniving or manipulative. Just assists them in different small and wholesome ways.

I also think he genuinely doesn’t care about his birthday anymore, so if he does receive a gift - even a card - it just throws him completely. 

ANYWAY I HAVE SO MANY HEADCANONS THAT MAKE ME SMILE AND LAUGH IDK, feel free to add more ‘happiest headcanons for Snape,’ people!

Thanks so much for the ask and for reading this! I’d love to do more of these, feel free, my inbox is open.

Cheers,