#reprioritizing

Hi, I'm M. and I'm a hypothyroid emotional eater. I could have named this journal "Eighty Pounds Healthier" or "Eighty Pounds Stronger" or "Eighty Pounds Lighter", but my gut pointed out to the grammar police in my head that when I'm healthier, stronger, and lighter, I will be happier. No matter what new problems life throws my way, I will be happier...because I will have the energy and strength to deal with anything and I will have reclaimed my self-esteem. My journey is not technically beginning. It started back in 2008, when I was 24. I weighed 188 lbs and with a 5'2" frame, my father became very worried about my health. He arranged for his personal trainer, at the time one of the world's only senior master RKC kettlebell instructors, to work with me. I changed my diet by cutting out sugar, grains, starch, alcohol, and started eating perfectly weighed out portions of protein and veggies every 2-3 hours. Needless to say, I dropped a lot of weight very quickly. 35 lbs to be exact in about 10 weeks. At 153 lbs, a size 6/8, and 24 years old, I felt AMAZING! What couldn't I conquer now?! So I applied to doctoral programs in a field I was (and still am) passionate about, and ultimately was accepted at and matriculated at a university in the PNW, 3000 miles from my closest friend or relatives. "It will be an adventure," I said. It's been an adventure, but not as purely wonderful as I expected with my new rose colored glasses on. I didn't know what I didn't know, and if I had, I probably would have made many different decisions. But hindsight is always clearer than rose colored glasses! Graduate school in a rainy, gray part of the country consisted of 24/7/365 stress for six years, hours upon hours of sitting while reading, writing papers, and taking classes, and irregular sleep schedules. It consisted of quick meals which were very often comprised of cheap, processed food, and not enough exercise to combat all of these fattening things. Not to mention, the loss of social support being so far from my loved ones and the isolating nature of grad school (unlike college, you do not live with or see your friends and classmates outside of classes). Mental health wise, the stress, isolation, and seasonal affective disorder (plus angst at watching my body get fatter and less agile) made me depressed (not clinically depressed, but it affected my mood and desire to engage with certain activities or people). Basically, I traded my health for a PhD and gained 77 lbs in the process! Not quite the adventure I pictured when I set out west, but nonetheless one I won't ever forget! It's a moot point whether I would make the same decision twice. I am where I am and I can only move forward, so that's what I'm choosing to do today (and tomorrow and for the next 103 days after that). So here's the long story in short form: I weigh 230 lbs today. I'm 5'1" (I guess all the fat pushed my frame down an inch?!). I'm classified as morbidly obese per BMI and I wear a size 18 or 2X in women's clothes. I'm developing arthritis in my knees (I already had it in my ankles before gaining weight), and I have a chronic back injury from a car accident I was in seven months ago, which make it painful to exercise (and the fat makes it difficult to move). No excuses though. Move it or lose it! I have tried a thousand things to lose weight. I have yo-yo'd up and down on the scale. I have learned A LOT from all of my successes and failures. And the one thing you need to know about me is that I persevere through all challenges and I never quit. Quitters never win. Inside my very fat body is a very fierce athlete who wants her mojo back! My goal is to lose 1 lb/week. The idea is that healthy, slow weight loss will trick my metabolism into letting go of the fat-- for good. One thing I've learned is that my metabolism is a hoarder. She gets really excited at the prospect of collecting new and numerous unneeded fat molecules and stuffing them in places (like between organs in my tummy and on my thighs, back, and boobs) where they aren't needed and don't look good or match the existing decor. She FREAKS OUT if anyone tries to throw her beloved fat away and secretly hoards double the amount of fat as before to make up for lost fat. She is a frustrating bitch, but I will distract her from realizing that I am verrrry slowly discarding fat molecules, one pound per week. She won't notice they are gone until eighty pounds of them are gone, but by then she'll realize she loves all the new things she can do with her new space that she won't bother trying to fill that space with unnecessary fat as readily. That's the plan, anyway. I'm sure I'll f*ck up as frequently as I succeed, so I'm giving myself 104 weeks (two years) to reach my goal weight of 150 lbs. Just in time for swimsuit season 2018! This way, even if I only lose half a pound some weeks, I don't have to beat myself up for forward progress that didn't mesh with my distal goal. This leg of the weight loss journey I started eight years ago is going to be all about celebrating small wins! My partner, J, will be starting with me. He has a couple inches to lose off his beer belly! Plus, better nutrition and more exercise never hurt anyone! We are planning on doing P90X3 for two rounds. That's 180 days. After that, we'll figure out alternative activity plans when we cross that bridge. We have a new "no junk food in the house" rule. The fridge, freezer, and pantry is loaded with organic fruit, vegetables, meat, beans, nuts, and healthy fats. I have adopted a new "simple, small meals" approach to eating. No food groups are being 100% eliminated from my diet. I'm cutting back on dairy and sugar (the former by choice, the latter by consequence of eliminating garbage from my pantry), but both are acceptable if I encounter them. I'm seeking to make this as uncomplicated as possible, so my life doesn't revolve around food and fitness, given I will be graduating school and starting my first "real" salaried job soon. I want to focus on my career as much as possible. We start tomorrow, May 22, 2016. Measurements and maybe photos to follow.