#repeating conversations

Part 02: When Repeating Yourself Starts Making You Feel Small

Stop Shrinking to Keep the Peace

There’s a moment that doesn’t look dramatic.

You bring something up. He listens. He nods. Nothing changes.

You bring it up again. Still nothing.

And slowly something shifts — not in him. In you.

Your voice gets softer. Your requests get smaller. Your standards get negotiable.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s not that serious. Maybe I should just let it go.

But you’re not “letting it go.”

You’re letting yourself shrink.

And that’s the dangerous part.

Because resentment doesn’t start with anger. It starts with self-doubt.

It starts when you begin questioning your right to want consistency.

If this feels familiar, you’re not crazy. You’re not dramatic. You’re reacting to impact.

And impact matters.

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There are perks, quirks, and annoyances that come with being a foreign exchange student. The most quirky and annoying thing that comes with it is telling everybody what you're doing, what you've done, and what you want to do. This can be a mouthful, and it gets old really fast. 

Here is the normal conversation between me and my aunt/uncle/doctor/teacher/pet squirrel/step-siblings/cousins/friends/friends of friends/friends of friends of friends/classmates/grandparents/people in general.

Me: (normal conversation)....yes, I'm going to be a foreign exchange student. Them: Oh wow! That's super neat/cool/exciting/great/wonderful! Where are you going? Me: I don't know yet.  Them: ... Me: I'm with this program called Rotary, you know Rotary? Them: I've heard of it. Me: They have a foreign exchange program and I was accepted. I had a list of countries that I had to rank from 1-44 in order of where I wanted to go, but I was ineligible for a few, because they had requirements you had to meet like age and such. Them: Well, isn't that different/something/interesting! How exciting/neat/interesting! What country to you want to go to? Me: Chile, maybe Spain, but I spammed the Spanish speaking countries. But I'm happy to go anywhere. I live in a boring town.  Them: So you take Spanish? Me: Yes. It is also warm in those countries. Very nice and warm. Them: When do you find out where you're going? Me: Hopefully soon. I don't know.

Seemed like a long conversation, right? I'm sure almost every student can relate. I have had very close variations to this conversation at very least fifty times. Anyone who's reading this and has had these conversations just as many times, if not more, probably were just as bored as I was when I was typing it. 

This is what I do now. 

Me: Yes, I'm going to be a foreign exchange student for a year with a program sponsored by Rotary, and while I really want to go to Chile, Spain, or another Spanish speaking country like South America, I don't know where I'm going because of the system that Rotary uses, which is a system where you rank the list of countries from 1-44 and then they choose what country to send you to and inform you anytime before March.

Or:

Me: Yes. Here's my blog, you can read everything about it. 

It's great that people are taking an interesting in what I'm doing. I also like to talk about myself, so it's not bad. And for each person who asks, they don't know the answers, so I don't get impatient. I'm happy people are asking. But it is repetitive.

By the way, readers and creepers, bonus points if you've had to have the 'I'm a Foreign Exchange Student' conversation before. Double bonus points if you can explain everything condensed like I did all in one breath. And no, referring them to my/your/a blog all in one breath does not count. 

Apparently, the volunteers that send you places really do truly try to place you with your top choice. They make a list of 'Oh, these people want to go to Spain, but there are 6 that want to go there and only 1 open slot.' From this, I'll make the educated guess that they go onto the next top choice until it trickles down. I don't know the specifics, but most of the volunteers do have day jobs. Considering the mountain of paperwork they must have, it's very impressive.

Or they just put countries and people up on a dartboard and swing it that way. 

To be honest, because I'm honest here, if it were me, I'd do the dartboard idea. Fun, simple, and easy.

Some people don't get their top choice. Why? Because they don't have good luck. But hey, it doesn't matter too much, everyone has fun. Except for the ones who get sent home in tears and regret the fact they ever thought of doing an exchange. But we're ignoring them. They're in the quiet corner.

Oh, and if any of the generous, wonderful, great, and selfless volunteers who are working so hard out of the goodness of their hearts are reading this? I (Chile) would (Chile) like (Chile) to (Chile) thank (Chile) you (Chile) for (Chile) all (Chile) of (Chile) your (Chile) hard (Chile) work (Chile) and (Chile) wonderfulness from the bottom of my heart (Chile). If (Chile) I (Chile) get (Chile) the (Chile) chance, (Chile) I will (Chile) put you and all of your co-workers (Chile) in the dictionary (Chile) under the definition (Chile) of (Chile); hard-working, generous, wonderful, lovely human beings (Chile). (Urban Dictionary counts, though.)