#reminsicing

the way you lit you when you

spoke of yourself

And filled in every detail

Enough that i came to know

all of you

all at once

In only a matter of time but

off you were to go find

another one for i wasnt meant

to be with back then

now you speak to her

the way you spoke to me

(praying I'm wrong, let me be wrong)

December that passed by like autumn leaves in november

left me with so much to live with

your words your smile

your Spotify that you showed me

that funny little dance you

performed with your friend

when you got nervous

your big round glasses, and

that perfectly structured face

With your hair all tied up

in a neatly done pony,

your warm big hug at the end

of the day just before i said

"goodbyeeee" and ran back

smiling

all the way to my home

how do I let you go ?

as you have let me,

your voice?

still echoes in my ears.

your words?

still cave in my mind.

you today are still sixteen

and carefree

you are all you were back then and

I am still here for it,

but I'm afraid this is anything

But reality

A lie i speak to myself

this would be nothing but

a dream

maybe I'm just a delusional, little-

well now, not-so-little

I moved across the world to a different continent and she basically lives with her boyfriend. She has a real world job, where she’s out doing real world things. We’re not doing the things we used to and to be honest we probably never will again and it’s kind of heartbreaking to realize that. It’s really heartbreaking, actually. 

Everyone says the best years of my life are just starting (upon being 22 and a recent college grad) but I feel like I’ve already experienced the best years of my life. I’ve had days where I’ve had it all. I’ve had friends surrounding me, laughter, stupid ideas and barely getting by and in those days I felt complete, I felt whole and I felt like this was what life’s all about. 

I haven’t felt that way in a while. 

Lately, I’ve mostly felt loneliness, longing for the past and reminiscing on good times with old friends. I wish I was waking up in my college house to walk down stairs to be greeted by my best friends and a few stragglers who ended up sleeping on our living room floor bed. I wish I was still making bagel sandwiches in my college town bagel shop. I wish I could still sleep until the afternoon with no responsibilities. I wish I was still partying on a dirt road I wasn’t allowed to be on and running from the cops. I wish I was still sneaking out my bedroom window to sneak off to some guys trailer park. Because as young as I was I knew in all that chaos I called my life I was happy and really that’s all that matters. You’re allowed to be young and dumb, it teaches you the best lessons, but growing up is different and it’s hard. It feels a lot more structured and solitaire and alone. I’m trying to get used to being alone, but sometimes the silence grows and I can’t take it. I think that’s one of the hardest parts, getting used to your own company. Reducing my friend group drastically when I’ve always been surrounded by so many loving and supporting friends and teammates. It’s hard and it sucks. 

And I guess the whole point of this post is that sometimes growing up is hard. It’s hard to realize that I won’t have sleepovers with my best friends as much. It’s weird I no longer have to ask my mom permission. It’s weird I am in complete control of my life and my future. And it’s weird I no longer have the constant moments of feeling alive like I used to when I was younger. I guess this is growing up and I guess I’m just waiting for the time in my life when I can look around me and realize “this is what everyone meant when they told me the rest of my life is just beginning.” 

And I see you’ve met these people and you’re saying no to evil and you can’t escape the feeling when your whole body is reeling ‘cause you know that we all miss you as we hide behind a tissue and we wish for you the greatest so that you can say you made it.

I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss my cats a lot I miss my house, my parking place, and all the things I thought that I would never in a hundred, thousand, million years be looking back at them, and through so many tears reliving memories and talking about pleasantries like when I when I got hit by that ball at Mahanoy’s Little League or when we found out that our neighbor Aunt Larue was dead. or that big snowstorm from way back in 2010.

I know it may be quite late (no duh, it's already February), but due to events, responsibilities and what not piling up on me since Jan. I just had the time to post my thoughts in regards to what happened last year.

During one of our staff devo this year, we were asked, "what are you thankful for in 2014?". For a while I was stumped. I didn't think that I had anything to be thankful for. So during that staff devo, all I did was the generic thankful for keeping me alive for 2015 spiel and that's where I left it.

However, as the day continued, it's as if I was struck by lightning, that I came to realize tons of things I should be thankful for 2014. So here's a short run through on what came to mind during that day.

I was shot down by someone who was I was interested in - The Lord used that incident as a wake-up call for myself on how I see relationships, on how I crave for it (unconsciously) and how selfish and self-centered I was on how I handle it. In fact, a month later (more or less) I also got something to be thankful for in this regard, since I now felt safe to be closely working with women now, after going through the one-year Andy Stanley method (more on that on a different post). If I didn't got shot down (hard) I wouldn't have gone through his The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating series and wouldn't have realized how pompous I was (once again) when it comes to Love.

I got a new job - The latter part of 2014 opened a door for me in OMF Literature Inc. as a digital operations manager. This meant aside from what I can earn from writing reviews, I now have a stable(-ish) source of income/job and I am in one way or another be working with a fixed schedule. I am actually thankful for the team I'm part off (more on that on another post again :D).

We started living with my grandmother - While this may seem a turn-off, I loved that we finally got to live with my Ama (grandma in chinese) because that place allowed some form of stability that my sisters needed. In terms of finances, shelter and what not, Ama has it covered for us so at least we can focus on our own thing (studies for my sisters, and for me to finally be able to live independently). While we have a more stricter home environment, it's a welcome change (for me) to not worry about safety for my sisters at least this time around. It also kind of made me and my sisters recipients of tons of eating out invites from relatives since before we weren't as accessible as we are now.

We started our game-centric ministry - me and a few of my friends finally started the ministry we've been trying to formulate. We called it Level Up Game Nights. What we are basically doing is to invite people on our game nights where we play board games and what not and then present with a short devo or message. For now I personally think we need to do more, but I am at least happy with the progress we've made.