#religiouscommentary

The Gospel of Supply-side Jesus!

Illustrated by Don Simpson.

Appears in "Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them-A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right" by Al Franken (2003)

PONTIUS PILATE SUMMONS OUR HERO...

PILATE: "Bring me this king of the Jews that I might meet him ... this 'Supply Side Jesus.'"

PILATE: "So, you are this Supply Side Jesus... What a magnificent robe you have."

SSJ: "Because of this robe, ten craftsmen were able to feed their families! The goldsmith who made the trim and the filigree was able to hire an apprentice because I paid him so handsomely!"

Pilate: "And what a beautiful haircut you have, Supply Side Jesus!"

SSJ: "The barber who gave me this haircut was able to hire a manicurist... She had been a prostitute, but because I needed a pedicure, she is now able to fulfill her true potential."

Pilate: "Yes, the cuticles are absolutely perfect!"

PILATE: "There are those in Jerusalem who are not happy with your radical new teachings, Supply Side Jesus. Watch yourself."

DISCIPLE: "Shouldn't you feed the lepers, Supply Side Jesus?"

SSJ: "No, Thomas, that would just make them lazy."

DISCIPLE: "Then shouldn't you at least heal them, Supply Side Jesus?"

SSJ: "No, James, leprosy is a matter of personal responsibility. If people knew I was healing lepers, there would be no incentive to avoid leprosy."

DISCIPLE: "Supply Side Jesus, I think I've got a great line for your sermon on the mount. "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Heaven.""

SSJ: "For shame, Peter! That's Class Warfare." (thinks) "...But that does give me an idea..."

SSJ, preaching atop a mountain: "It is easier for a rich man to enter Heaven seated comfortably on the back of a camel, than it is for a poor man to pass through the eye of a needle!"

(SSJ conspicuously winks to camera as a disciple rips pages from their notes)

SSJ (continues): "If you are prosperous on earth, that means that god is rewarding your rugged individualism. If you are poor, it is a sign that God frowns on your reliance on handouts."

SSJ, preaching: "The only way to gain entrance into God's kingdom of abundance is to show your faith by giving to him through his only son, me. Supply Side Jesus. My disciples will now pass among you."

SSJ, continuing: "...And he who gives more than a thousand shekels will become a Supply Side Jesus Pioneer and have access to me at our annual Yom Kippur 'Break the Fast' dinner."

CROWD, rejoicing: "The word of the Lord !!!"

Later, at the last supper...

SSJ: "This very night, one of you will betray me. To pay off a gambling debt."

Simon the Canaanite: "No!"

James the Greater: "I don't believe it!"

Philip of Bethseda: "Not I!"

James the Lesser: "Not us! Who would..?"

William Bennett Iscariot: (thinks pensively) "...Hoo boy!..."

Supply Side Jesus was arrested that very night and brought before Pontius Pilate.

PILATE: "Supply Side Jesus, the pharisees are angry, they say you are cutting into their action."

SSJ: "That's the marketplace of ideas, Pilate."

PILATE: "But your ideas are misleading, and you are making the poor even poorer. What do you say to that, Supply Side Jesus?"

SSJ: "Pilate, average income is going up. And social mobility within the Roman empire is greater than ever. Look at me. I came from the humblest roots, and yet now I am one of the richest men in all Judea."

PILATE: "That's because you're a huckster, Supply Side Jesus! I sentence you to death by crucifixion!"

It was Passover custom to release a condemned prisoner. Pilate decided to let the people choose Supply Side Jesus' fate.

PILATE, to crowd: "Who would you have me release? This man, Supply Side Jesus, who claims to be your king, and insists you stand on your own two feet - or in the case of you lepers, your good foot and stump? Or this man ..."

PILATE, continuing: "...Jesus Christ of Nazareth, who also claims to be your king, and preaches a gospel of compassion, generosity, and good works?"

SSJ to crowd: "Twenty shekels for anyone who votes for me!"

CROWD, enthusiastically: "Give us Supply Side Jesus!"

JESUS OF NAZARETH, on cross: "Forgive them, Father..."

Supply Side Jesus knew just what to do.

(later)

SSJ, at a rally in front of Colosseum: "Romans! Tax cuts will double our revenues and ensure that the empire never declines or falls! And I will stop these environmentalists who claim that lead is poisoning our water system! And I will eliminate the threat from Mesopotamia once and for all by invading Iraq!"

RALLY CROWD holds up various signs:

"Supply Side Jesus for Senate!"

"SSJ in A.D."

"Pagans for Jesus!"

"Keep Our Swords Legal"