#relationshsips

There is something beautiful about unforced bonds. The energy is... real.

Nothing bad is happening. I’m perfectly happy in the place that I am in, and I’ve never been more grateful to be able to say that: grateful to my friends, my family, my own efforts, and God. Everything feels like how it should be, and although I will always have wants and fantasies, there is nothing essentially missing from my life that would cause me to be sad or angry or depressed. 

Life is really good when you choose to solely have good days.

School is going very well, and I’m slowly but surely making friends. Living off campus has definitely hampered a lot of my progress - my school is very cliquey and it’s hard to find a clique when you’re never around. But I’m working on keeping and making friends outside of school, too. My horizons are broadening, I think.

My self confidence has never been higher, and I can’t believe how good it feels to love myself. I am beautiful and powerful and graceful in so many ways, and I appreciate it all. I’m learning to love and accept the very parts of me that I have spurned in the past. I feel my biggest accomplishment has been loving my body, despite a 10 pound weight gain in the last few months or the loss of my much loved tan. I’m beautiful regardless. Now, I just want to be healthy and meet my own fitness and dance goals. I want to start pole dancing sometime in the near future because it’s so cool and just want to get back to dancing in general. I miss my release. I finally joined the gym, so I hope I can get my lazy ass to make it a regular activity.

My love life involves nothing really concrete or simple, which is fine. I’m too young to have worries. I hope one day to encounter someone who appreciates me and connects with me on a level that I can enjoy. I have flings here and there, and although right now I can say I’m dating a particular boy, we haven’t defined anything (which is totally okay - as long as shit stays honest and clean, I don’t really mind not being someone’s official girlfriend or whatever), so I won’t say we are anything. We’re happy and chilling, that’s what I can say. And although I care a lot for him (even though Anaya would definitely be quick to tease me on the fact that in the beginning, I had no interest in hanging out with him) and could even say I might be catching feelings, certain comments and tendencies with him cause me to keep him at arms length when it comes to emotions (for example, not entirely sure or even believe that I’m the only female in his life - like I said, I don’t really care as long as it’s all honest and clean). I’m very don’t ask, don’t tell, considering I do my own side shit, so it’s easy for me to stay chill in this, but way too often I find myself thinking of him and I have to bring myself to a slight halt and remember to not let myself get caught up on something that may or may not even exist or be serious or mutual at all. Until things progress in that direction, I’m trying not to go there. I also just have too much fun having no worries and making out with my friends at parties to be worrying about this shit. So for now, my love life is chill as hell and I don’t mind it that way. That being said, I do get lonely in the sense that I miss someone telling me they love and appreciate me - and I miss having someone to love and appreciate. I am very caring, so naturally I enjoy letting another human being know that I love and care for them. I miss cuddles and someone to talk shit with and constant kisses and coffee dates and netflix dates and doing weird errands with someone. It’s a nice feeling - being in love. It really is. I certainly don’t need it - I’m doing quite great without it, but it is, however, a luxury I like to indulge in. 

I miss Ariana but she’s too into her own stuff and issues, so I guess it’s best that we have our distance. I don’t know if this will ever be settled or fixed, all I know is that I can forgive but not forget, at least at this point. Only time will tell. People have their own priorities, feelings, and understandings of things, and that’s just how life is. Anaya and I are much better, and I’ve pretty much forgotten all the bullshit that happened senior year. Life’s too short, other people are too dumb, we’re too cool to be dealing with nonsense. There are more important life experiences to go through and certain friendships are too grand while simultaneously simple and natural to let go. I finally read what she wrote in my yearbook and I think she feels the same, at least I hope so. I also hope that if she still has any lingering issues or feelings she feels is messing with our friendship that she feels she can let me know and discuss, because I’m all good on my end and I would want her to be too. Anyway, Tasnuva and I are reconnecting and I love it - she has definitely been one of my most treasured friends these past few years and she’s finally embracing life now in college and I’m so happy for her and so happy to be part of her life still. This goes for a lot of my other friends, new and old. Everyone’s doing so well and I’m so happy. Jonathan seems to be doing very well too, but he’s a little weird with me for some particular reason and it gets annoying sometimes. Sometimes we have these moments where everything’s great and we’re really good friends again and I’m glad I have him back in my life, but then things get a little loaded or tense or expectant and it doesn’t really make me upset with him at all, I just get a little sad that our friendship doesn’t come as easily as it used to, ironically, when we were dating. I miss my best friend in him. I’d like it to come back without all the sexual air - I’m just generally tired of all my guy friends trying to fuck me, to be honest. I don’t really like sex *all that much. It’s fun and everything, but I like it when it comes naturally and basically on my terms or at least mutual terms. I don’t like going into a situation with the tiny voice in my head saying “He’s gonna try to fuck you as usual, so make sure you’re ready for it.” If I don’t initiate,, then I usually don’t entirely want it. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it when I don’t initiate - I never have sex or anything if I don’t want to, I just am not always in the mood. I want a platonic guy friend, a good one, I’ve never had that and I still don’t. The closest thing I have to that is Giancarlo, and as much as I love him and our friendship and I can’t imagine not having him in my life, even then we still have our loaded moments, which I usually don’t mind but sometimes just kind of bring me down a little. Sometimes I feel like all boys just want me for one thing  - something my father would tell anyone is certainly true. It’s fine I guess - it just all gets exhausting. Yesterday I came home physically and mentally exhausted literally from being constantly hit on by my friend. I just wanted to chill, not get my tits assaulted. It’s fine I guess, because after moments and days like those, I can just come home and be alone and find my serenity again, which is good. 

I’ve learned to be alone and I love it.

This is my longest text post ever and I’m so sorry if anyone actually read this in its entirety, I just have no one to talk to about this really.