I took this shot this morning when I was walking to work and I gotta say I really like it, just the way the river is reflecting the sky so nicely, nature truly is beautiful * * * #photography #riverreflection #river #reflecfion #sky #nature #naturephotography #natureisbeautiful #clouds #nofilter https://www.instagram.com/p/B_Z4C-pHcc8/?igshid=hbujfu7q2n7k

Am I gonna a die?

I, a 17 year old, am literally in bed with three blankets, a monkey stuffed animal, two pillows, and a giraffe pillow pet. #noragrets Today I have two main themes. The first is that I feel myself growing closer to two people, who I've known for years now and respected and liked for as long as I've known them. But now we're just generally closer, we hang out all the time, I enjoy their company so much, I never have to worry if I like them more than they like me. It seems so equal, with each one of them. It's so nice to find people who don't force you to question yourself, who never make you doubt their intentions. I feel so excited to see where these two friendships go. The second major theme is that I'm just so grateful. I'm so grateful for the love that has blossomed from the hearts of others towards me, the acceptance and validation I feel from those above me in my art, the community of people who have stated openly and freely their support of me and their recognition of what I do. I am stunned, and overwhelmed, and humbled, in the truest meaning of the world. There have been immense kindnesses that have been displayed to me, and I've learned so much about the boundlessness of human generosity. I won't forget a single ounce of it. I'm proud of myself in general today, as well. I finished two more college applications today, so as of tomorrow I'll have applied to three schools. It sounds cliche, but it's completely surreal at this point. What I've been yearning for, what I've thought of as the consummation of all this endless waiting time, is finally upon me. I completed a buildup of work from a couple of my classes, and I worked really hard on a group assignment for my online class about Buddhism, Confucianism, and Taoism. I'm so heavily intrigued by all we're learning about, and although I didn't expect to at all, I took the leadership role. I definitely think my effort level was much higher than the others in my group, and I hope that will be seen by the teacher. But in some ways it's satisfying to prove to yourself your own work ethic, so I'm not frustrated. At this point I'm feeling on top of things, and ready to take on more. And that's very rare. So it's good to document it.

Today my life was changed. Invariably and forever.

My period makes me significantly depressed. I was so lonely today. I felt so guilty for not dancing and not running even though I are completely healthily and had other things to do. I'm not worried about my weight, I'm just worried about my fitness, but I'm obsessive about eating lately which isn't like me. I just feel stagnant at the moment, which is the worst for me. But I had cramps all day, and I still accomplished some stuff, so that's good. I cleaned my room, which was a black hole, so it feels unbelievably satisfying. I'm so so so glad. For some reason it feels more like summer now because of it. And I ended up doing a ballet barre outside on my deck, so I kind of danced. So that's good. Tomorrow I'm dancing a lot more. Ugh. I need to get back in the groove before Boston Conservatory. As you can see, I feel inadequate and very stressed out. I have so much to do for college and so little time, and I have summer work and all that as well. It's overwhelming. It's a hard moment right now, but I'll work through it I know.

I've spent my whole afternoon watching documentaries. The first was on the Rwandan genocide, which is something I've been passionately interested in for a few years, and the second was about the My Lai massacre. Both horrified me intensely and I NEED to make a long post detailing all my thoughts about both. However, I have a really really important performance tomorrow and I have to rest. So I'll hopefully so it on Sunday. But one other thing- I am so incredibly honored to say that I have been invited to spend a few weeks in Greece this summer with a close friend whom I've known for years. He's Greek, and his family has a house in Greece that they visit every summer, and he was allowed to invite a friend, and he chose me. I am beyond honored, it is so deeply meaningful to be offered this. It's not set in stone that I'm going, but my heart is full of joy that it's a possibility. The decision will be made this weekend. But just think of it- my first time in Europe, spending three days in the birthplace of modern philosophy and democracy and a place of such vastly rich history. My excitement is overwhelming. Image me, just old me, seeing the Parthenon. But even more than that- imagine me talking to old sweet fish sellers, and learning to like olives, and having a beautiful time with welcoming, inviting, warm people, and loving a simple life on the Mediterranean. If it happens, it will be a dream. An utter dream.

Today is odd. Not the best. I don't know. I'm so so so anxious over who even knows what? I feel like I can't motivate myself to do anything productive and I'm sitting on my computer too much and I'm questioning long time friendships and I'm clutching at strands of relationships with people when we don't even form connections. I'm a little frustrated, a little scared. I did have a really really nice lunch with 3 of my friends, and they read an exhilarating text conversation of mine and got incredibly excited for me. What I've realized recently is that my friends often get more excited for me than I do for myself. My friend Anna told me today that I should never apologize for my talents, and never apologize when others recognize them. She's so wonderfully supportive. Her idea seems like a no-brainier in theory, but in practice it's difficult for me. I had a nice conversation with her and another friend about A Doll's House, where we talked about our ideas and opinions on Nora. In gym I played tennis with this girl that sometimes intimidates me but we were actually really cute together and had an amazing time not even joking, and in a weird way it felt like getting over some weird hump for myself by allowing myself to be comfortable with myself around her. And then at the end of the day, a really nice boy talked to me and stared at me with his beautiful eyes and it was pretty lovely. Unfortunately, compared to the exciting texts from yesterday, today's fell flat. Oh well. I had a good singing lesson, which is nice. And my phone call with Andrew Keenan-Bolger was GREAT. Of course I fell in love with UMich even more, fml. But finally, I want to say happy birthday to Mike Brown. The problems of others are so vastly larger than mine. I am so incredibly lucky to live the life that I do, even with my rough days. I want every person that follows me or sees this, but most especially and importantly those that are black, to know that YOUR. LIFE. MATTERS. To me, to yourself, to this world, this collective energy. Never EVER lose sight of that.