#red-flags

1) Parents are driven by forces beyond my understanding that I acknowledge, and honor. Even when my own parents express doubts, fears, or disapproval, I weigh it for myself, and I can only vaguely understand that it's coming from a most intense place of love. It's something every young adult has to recognize at some time in order to move into a healthy adult relationship with his or her parents.

2) We must always pin down the root of what's going on. The parents in this situation are giving outdated advice using fear and condescending tactics. Unfortunately, this has the effect not of showing my friend the unhealthiness of the relationship, but attacks the friend's ability to choose good mates. I don't honestly believe this friend DOES have the ability to choose good mates, but when shame is laid on someone in that fashion, it has the effect of making them curl up, close off, not want to share any more than they have. Which doesn't help us get to the root of the problem.  It is perhaps easier for me to see, too, than the parents, that this relationship surely isn't healthy, but it also poses no immediate harm, or at least, no harm worse than has already been done just by the virtue of its existence.

3) So we come to the problem. Because, let's face it, if we force this friend from the relationship, there is still the issue that a bleeding heart and longing for sexual satisfaction will continue to draw my friend into bad relationships. My friend needs counseling and mentoring, not shame.

4) I managed to acknowledge that there are some actual red flags, and I pointed them out in a way that brings no shame (everyone can make mistakes choosing someone as a mate, things aren't always readily visible before you begin dating). I also pointed out some of the decisions this friend has made, and growth that's come from it, but also encouraged my friend to try to find someone to talk to regularly about relationships. I encouraged my friend also that critical thinking is a necessary skill to have when dating someone who could potentially become your mate for life.