#really care

(Read if you want darlings, but feel free to scroll past, I just need to get this off my chest. I rather not burden everyone who chooses not to look.)

Serious down Below.

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Having friends I knew for most of my life has been a rollercoaster of things, things I wish to never ever bring up.

But one of them is going to make it big. Soon.

And my other friend, can only describe them as being so overly huge and enthusiastic. I don’t blame them….but knowing them both for the betterment of my life, ten or so years, the enthusiasm feels like…obsession.

Obsessed with my first friend being this person who could do no wrong, who is going to make it big and be the brightest star, who sees nothing but perfection.

After so much of what has happened and such, I’ve grown…exhausted. So tired my darlings, and I’ve felt I’ve grown detached and seeing things far differently.

I care for them both, we care for Friend 1, but…Friend 2 and I have been at odds ends constantly, bickering over things that really shouldn’t have been fought over, and overall…I had to learn for all those years not to accidentally them off.

And today was no different. I made a comment when in relation to seeing a project of my friends, I compared Friend 2’s excitement to Friend 1’s of my own when a new episode of TADC comes out.

Friend 2 hates Glitch entertainment. It’s not a “dislike”, it’s not even a casual “not a fan” and that’s that. It’s a hate.

They basically went off on how why I’d compare a company to a small developer, that I compare them to Friend 1? How dare I?

…Friend 2 have always said they’ll insult certain things while still liking things they make. But it feels so…hurtful.

And unfair to the indie developers at Glitch.

It was never said outright; but I think if I hadn’t liked it from the start, they’d never take me seriously if I liked TADC.

…I’ve endured the better most of the digital outbursts and drama, mostly because I have no one else. Because I have unfinished business.

But in this year and the last, I feel like I’m better off as the occasional friend to talk to Friend 1 and Friend 2.

But Friend 2 has no one else but Friend 1 and Me.

…And I feel as though my soul tried to cling to the humanity in me to care and I can’t. I want to care so much more and I can’t because I’m hurt. I’m hurt and tired and angry.

Angry because I make so much, and all I get is “That’s great!” Or “Good Job!” And…then expect me to go in depth rambles with Friend 1’s latest work…

I’ve become no better either, and have been nothing but cold and detached. Think like how Jax was towards everyone but…I don’t like what I’ve done or said.

I wish I could smack sense into Friend 2, tell them that I’m angry and hurt because of them. That they felt it was ok to just…always hurt and hurt; intentional or not; always shit on everything and make things worse or better than they are.

…I don’t know why I bother telling them all that I love about the thing I like, it’s just going to end up being discarded in favor of Friend 1’s interests and stuff.

And I have nothing against Friend 1 mind you…I respect them a whole lot and the deserve it. But they’ve become the main leader without it ever being addressed among us, and Friend 2 the open supporter.

…….i ask myself what does that make me? Just…a fan? A friend? ….or an outsider in her own friend group.

Someone who makes and makes and makes and makes and for what….to just be seen as just another outlet. For escapism.

…it’s never said, and they may think differently.

Friend 1 is a Hero.

I am Not.

I don’t intend to be and I never will be.

I just want to be me.