#really autistic

Hi so I have autism. I'm a junior in high school and will be an adult in October. (Woah.)

I just wanted to talk about some things I wanna talk about. Seeing as it is autism month and I feel like I never get to talk about it ever??

My family obviously knows I am neurodivergent but we just... never really talk about it unless my mom is asking about school and accommodations. And my irl friends (I do not like them) do not know I am autistic. And even if they did I doubt we'd ever talk about something like that.

Anyway.

So one of my biggest no-nos is entering a classroom I am NOT supposed to be in when there is a class in session. For any reason.

This is horrible because I have teachers who like to ask me to ask teachers something or deliver them something when they are teaching another hour. I've had this problem ever since I was tiny in elementary school. I will freeze in front of the door with my hand on the handle and just be unable to go in.

"Oh god. They're teaching in there. I can't just go in there and interrupt that would be so awkward. Should I just wait until they stop lecturing?"

And they just keep talking forever and I'm stuck.

I have had to lie to teachers and stuff on many occasions because of this obstacle and I have yet to meet another with this same problem. I would like to meet another and see how they deal with this.

Let's see...

I physically cannot write the way they want you to write for papers and essays. My "voice", so to speak, will always come out. I just can't write in a detached manner. Phrases such as "I think" or "but I disagree" will be there. And I will always suffer for it. The teachers cannot shackle my inner narrative.

I got sensory issues. Some for me are brothy, mushy or wet foods. I'm okay with something like scrambled eggs or apple sauce. I am not okay with something drowning in tomato sauce or gravy. I am not okay with soup or stew.

Can't eat grapes. Or fruit gushers. Anything that pops and squirts when I eat it is repulsive. I'm okay with some other fruits that I've seen people have some issues with. Such as strawberries and blueberries. No bananas tho they're pretty disgusting.

Touching sensations:

I can't wear tight clothing. Everything has to have a little bit of give. I love the look of a lot of tight clothing but I just can't stand the restrictive feeling. Sometimes my family makes me wear tight dress pants for formal events and it drives me insane.

Tarps. I don't like them. I don't like the feeling of them, I don't like the sound they make when you drag your hands on them. I guess some tarps are better than others- but if you're familiar with the tarps used to, say, cover up a boat? Yeah those can go burn.

PRETTY MUCH ALL MATERIAL USED TO MAKE EVERY BACKPACK EVER.

The pack itself - the straps that go over your shoulders - NOTHING is spared. I have to carry this horrible relic on my back five days a week and I am in constant agony.

Most winter coats.

I live in the great state of Michigan which is chilly for a good large chunk of the year. However: winter coats are terrible. They restrict your arms and are made out of a material that would sooner make me vomit than wear them. Almost all of the time I wear a sweatshirt (because not only are they very baggy but they're also good to wear in my "im not out yet" phase) so im good. If it's really too cold I'll just wear a loose fitted jacket over my sweatshirt.

Bathing suits and getting wet in general.

This is partly because of the trans moment thing but also because the feeling of being wet and having a bathing suit, and later my clothes, stick to my wet body is a sensation that I don't like. I have no issues with swimming and I used to do it a lot, but avoiding getting submerged in water is just easier for me most of the time. This is an issue I have not seen in most neurotypicals so I wonder if anyone else experiences this.

I could keep going on but on to HYPERFIXATIONS!!

Many of my nd friends online have ONE BIG hyperfixation and cannot focus on any other form of media or thing for the foreseeable future. I experience more of a barrage of hyperfixations at once where I'll be talking about many different things and watching many different things all at the same time. There will probably still be one or two dominant hyperfixations tho, usually being Scott the Woz and JoJo for me. Cartoons are really in rn tho ;P

Expressing!!

I have what some would refer to as a "resting b*tch face". And a resting b*tch tone too. My natural way of being is frowning with slightly narrowed eyes and indecipherable brows. My neurotypical family gets on me for this most of all I think. My mom will often remind me- saying something like, "the face you're making is so ugly. We're in public." And my grandmother will always ALWAYS get offended by the way I speak. When she calls for me, my response is usually "WHAT?", which I guess neurotypicals perceive as extremely rude. I say it loudly because I know she won't be able to hear me if I don't. And I don't know what kind of response she wants out of me, but it's not that one. I used to go "what?" when answering the phone too which I've since learned is not appropriate for most people and I no longer do.

When interacting with most people I will be crossing my arms and brushing through my hair with a hand. It's just a nervous stim I notice I do when feeling socially pressured. I can't make eye contact for the life of me, which no one brings up too much anymore thankfully. Happy stims for me include shaking my hands- not flapping my arms per se but vibrating my wrists. If I'm REAL excited the vibrations will spread up my arms.

When I'm socially pressured I have a thing where I'll start tearing up uncontrollably and it's extremely embarrassing. I won't be like sobbing and crying but tears will be falling from my eyes and I can't help it sometimes. This happens when I'm confronted with a stressful social problem. Like,, sometimes when my teacher gets upset at me in class for my missing assignments, or when my mom wants to start talking about getting a job or drivers training, or when I'm talking to my school counselor about problems with friends or grades or issues with gender. I HATE THIS. It always makes things so awkward.

The most challenging thing for me I think is voicing my concerns or needs. Especially to my family. It's one of those things where you can tell someone you just met something really embarrassing or something really personal but to tell the people you're closest with is a whole different beast. (Why do you think I haven't been able to officially come out yet lol)

I can type out my feelings like a champ, though sometimes I still dance around some things. But having to tell my mom how I'm feeling about school... or about my identity,, or about any aches or pains,, or even just asking for a game or money to buy something. I'll try and say something but delve into "you know"s and "uhhh"s and quickly get frustrated with myself and delve into "whatever"s and "just forget it"s. My parents and siblings know I'm like this and they find it just as troubling as I do.

What they don't understand however is that I can articulate my shit much better to other people. (Unless they're around). Like, I never am, but if I was alone at a restaurant, I'd be able to order food easily. In a snap. But when my family is around, I can't. My mom will have to either order for me or walk me through the order. If im in a store and have to ask a worker a question, when I'm alone I can do that with ease. If my family is there? I freeze up and can't do it. I don't really understand this much and would like to research this at some point.

Literalism!! One of my family's first big cues I was autistic!! (Other than the doctor saying "hey I think this kid is probably autistic but we can't be sure" at like two years old. An instance they like to remember of my literalism is a moment where a family friend saw a snake and was telling herself "there was no snake" "there was no snake" as a measure to calm herself down. I, a young autistic, continually countered this claim with, "yes. there was a snake. it's right there actually", pointing at said snake. This did not please her and at the time I was unaware of why what I was saying was incorrect. Now I am less so literal and more so blunt and to the point. Someone is telling me about their problems? I will be attentive and listen, but I will usually say "you should do ___" or "that's too bad" right quick. I am brutally honest a lot of the time and many people can't take it. My dad likes to get at me for this but he's practically the king of neurodivergent literalism so he's a hypocrite.

I think this all is one of the reasons I HATE riddles and guessing games. My neurotypical irl friends do these things all the time. They'll make me guess what they're hinting they want to talk about or are thinking about and I do not have the energy for that! Especially when I know it's just a goddamn trap. You'll say "are you serious??" when I guess wrong. Leave me tf alone!!

I am pretty bad at giving people advice for their problems. I like to think I'm quite empathetic - more than a lot of neurotypicals - but giving people advice is a whole other story. A lot of times I can just listen and say "I'm sorry. That sounds tough."

And then the neurotypicals say "don't be sorry. it's not your fault."

AAH! I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT! IM - I JUST- GAH!

- It's too expensive, we can't afford it

- Often inaccurate unless you're a young cishet white boy

- Can be used to deny me jobs, custody of children, marriage rights, even my own personal autonomy

I’ve been employed for almost two decades at the same place. Define “too much”.

“You think too much.”

Okay, I’ll accept your terms. How will you set the limit?

“Some things you just have to accept on faith.”

I don’t buy scratch-offs anymore.

“There is a reason for everything.”

I don’t practice as an alcoholic anymore.

“God has a plan for you. All you have to do is follow it.”

I forgot if I did.

Well here's a reminder

I'm autistic

Me: I have aspergers.

Many anti-vaxxers are on the spectrum. They don’t realize that focused denial and ritualistic thought can be autistic traits. They hate their children so much that they couldn’t possibly be even remotely related to them genetically and socially.

As a child I met many parents who I sensed had not forgotten what it was like to have thought balloons, but were too busy trying to be normal to understand that you don’t have to pop everyone you encounter.