#realelijah

Eli had originally intended to approach Clare before second period, when he noticed her switching out some of her books at her locker. It would have been easy enough then, very few people around and an ideal chance to ask her to skip class for just a short while to hear him out. After that, she would have made the decision to either tune him out of her life for good, or understand his perspective. Eli wasn't expecting or feeling especially deserving of the latter, but he couldn't help hoping for it. The past two weeks had been pure hell, having to dodge all of Clare's attempts to strike up conversation. In the back of his mind, he'd have the nagging thought that he'd been too hasty in withdrawing, and should have taken a moment to explain his reservations to her. But at the forefront, Eli didn't trust himself for a second, and knew that if given the chance, Clare would eventually find better. So he opted not to speak to her in the hall, ducking his head down and making himself scarce for the rest of the day. He'd purchased tickets for the carnival earlier in the week, and even if he wasn't sure exactly what had brought him to the decision, Eli knew that a part of him was hoping to work up enough nerve by the event. It was the kind of outing he would have asked Clare to in a heartbeat, had they been on speaking terms. Once he found himself there, hands stuffed in his pockets to mask the way his hands were shaking, Eli began searching through the throngs of students in search of Clare. Once he spotted her, he nearly lost his nerve but persevered, slowly making his way up to the girl. “Uh, Clare?” he said, waiting for her to turn and face him. “Listen, I know you probably don't want anything to do with me right now, and if you tell me to leave you alone, I swear I will. But...I have a lot I'd like to explain to you, and a million apologies to give.” he said, his voice a bit more rushed than he would have preferred.

Clare gazed around the lot of Degrassi that was now transformed into the epitome of a winter wonderland. She marveled at the different rides, anxious to get on one quickly. With Alli off with Dave for the evening, Clare was left to her own devices. She would have loved to be attending this event with Eli, able to picture the two of them perusing the many attractions. Had the events from two weeks ago not had taken place, Clare would have bet anything that she would have been able to coerce Eli into coming. School events were not his speed, she was well aware, but she did have a certain influence and power over the boy. Back in happier times, she would’ve been able to send a text and actually get a response. But now Eli had gone two whole weeks blatantly ignoring her. It would have been bad enough to have a friend suddenly turn their back on her but it was made worse because of the fact that they had not only admitted to liking each other but shared several kisses. Clare thought back on that night more often than she cared to admit, remembering how it felt to be the center of Eli’s universe. It had been the best night of her life, her issues at home quickly forgotten and replaced with the comfort and ease of being in Eli’s company. The boy had been her antidote, able to cure her of the heaviness that plagued her at home. In Eli she had a crush as well as a good friend, someone she could turn to in a moment of need, no matter the issue. The whole irony of it now was that when Clare needed an ear to listen, Eli was unable to help her seeing as though he was the problem. Clare hated the sting of rejection, left feeling used and strung along. She didn’t want to believe that Eli was capable of such a thing, so sure that she truly knew the boy. But with the way he went about handling the aftermath of that one night, Clare began questioning whether she really knew Eli or not. She wanted answers desperately but every attempt to speak to Eli or get the boy’s attention was met with a roadblock of some kind. With her mittens clad hands in her pockets, Clare stopped short, peering up at the Ferris wheel. Her back was turned to the majority of the crowd, and subsequently Eli as the familiar voice spoke her name. Clare turned around stoically, her body language screaming wariness. “You could start with an apology and then I’d like an explanation, a good reason why you’ve been ignoring me for two whole weeks,” she quipped, her lips pursed.

Eli swallowed down the dry, dreadful feeling resting at the base of his throat, his heart beginning to beat faster as his anxiety crept in. Clare might have been a mild, kind girl, but what Eli feared wasn't her anger, but her disappointment. Knowing that he had let her down and quite possibly broken her heart was what filled Eli with fear. She already had enough stress to deal with, her parents and their frequent fighting causing a strain within their household, and he was only tacking more on to that seemingly ever-growing list. The fact that she spoke to him at all was a start, encouraging him enough to reply after she responded. “I know, I really do. Just-” he stopped short, glancing around. He wanted to get away from the crowds of fellow students, needing to have a little peace and quiet to speak to her. Eli led them over to a nearby bench, seating himself down cautiously and then waiting for her to do the same. He sat hunched forward, rubbing his eyes for a moment before he began. “I am sorry, and I need to elaborate on that before I even get into a more elaborate explanation. I know I gave off this vibe that I didn't care about you after that night. That I only wanted to use you; get you to fall for me and then leave you hanging.” he said, shaking his head at how entirely wrong each of those ideas were. “It wasn't any of that. I would never have shared that night with you, had I not meant it. I don't just fall for people, Clare. It's why I couldn't help myself from getting closer to you. It's rare for me, and you were this unbelievably bright spot in my otherwise dreary existence.” he went on, still keeping his gaze averted to the ground. “But you had every right to believe that I was just some asshole who was stringing you along. Without meaning to, that's what I did. I thought I was doing the right thing but then I'd see you in the halls, and the hurt would be written all over your face and I kept telling myself, 'she deserves better, don't take that away from her.'” he ranted, finally sitting up straight enough to glance over at her. “I want to tell you everything, but I just need to let you know that if it makes it so you never want to see me again, I'll do as you wish and leave you alone. I really need you to know that ahead of time.”

Clare wasn’t sure the reaction she would have when she finally spoke to Eli again. Her emotions ranged heavily over the course of two weeks from sadness to anger to bitterness to hurt. Clare didn’t even know she was capable of feeling so much in a short span of time but her experience with Eli had changed something inside of her. It felt as if history was repeating itself, another year arriving and bringing her a romantic prospect. She didn’t want to lump Eli of all people into the same category as KC but the boy broke her heart. What was worse, on top of it all, was not getting closure. At least with her ex, she’d been able to accept things for what they were and move on, having a clear cut answer as to why it didn’t work out. With Eli, it was one giant question mark that didn’t seem to lighten up. She had always been drawn to the mystery of Eli, curious as to what thoughts ran through his mind and eager to learn more about him. In the months that they’d become friends, she truly felt as if she was gaining access to him that most people never would. He’d even expressed that he found it easier to let his walls down around her. And yet with all of those advantages, Clare was left feeling slighted with Eli opening the door to deepening their connection and slamming it in her face. She couldn’t quite muster up anger now, so sure her eyes were filled with the sadness that had been lingering within her for days on end. She had never felt this let down and devastated before and for it to be at the hands of someone she trusted made it hurt all the more. A part of her actually considered walking away and giving him a taste of what it was like to want to speak to someone and get shut out. But she knew this would be her only chance to get to the bottom of things. Drawing in a breath through her mouth, Clare eyed Eli for a moment as he sauntered over to a nearby bench before following his lead. She chose to sit at the far end, keeping a significant amount of space between them. Though he was looking elsewhere, Clare kept her eyes locked on him, her arms crossed against her stomach as he began. She didn’t say anything to his apology, unsure of if she should even accept it when she still remained clueless as to what had suddenly changed between them. His suspicions had been correct; she indeed did believe all those things and more. She looked him in the eyes once he finally glanced her way, her expression unreadable. “Don’t drag this out any longer, please. Two weeks is long enough to wait for an answer,” she countered. Being stern wasn’t her initial response to things but she had to stand her ground. “Just tell me, Eli. Because I’ve been wondering if it’s worth it to keep this up…I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

Eli was brought up short as Clare cut to the chase, though he couldn't blame her for wanting to get down to what mattered. He could have harped on and on for however long in the hopes of avoiding the truth, but it wouldn't have done either of them good. Whether she was going to move on or somehow find it in herself to give him another chance, she deserved to know what his real motives had been in pulling away. He remained in silence for a few more moments, the words he was trying to speak lodged uncomfortably in his throat. Clare already thought ill of him, since he hadn't spoken a word to her in two weeks, but explaining this to her would heighten that distaste to something even worse. Be it disgust, anger, or worse, fear, Eli was dreading what her reaction would eventually be. Finally pulling himself together, he let his gaze drop to the ground, his eyes closing. “Do you remember when we went on the first scavenger hunt, and I brought back the candy?” he asked, waiting a few seconds for her to either reply or at least recall what he was referring to. “I know that must have seemed so odd, but it just struck a chord in me, because something happened before I enrolled here that I'm not over. I'm not sure I ever will be.” he murmured, disdain for himself coloring his tone. “My first girlfriend, her name was Julia. We were together for a while, and we got really close during that time. I wrapped my whole life around her. Everything was fine-- perfect, even-- until we started arguing more and more, and each week it got worse. Eventually, it just came to a head, and I flew off the handle. I just-” he paused, “I drove her away from me. She and I got into a huge fight, I told her a lot of things I didn't mean, and she ended up leaving the house and taking off on her bike.” The more Eli spoke, the lower his voice got, as if his shame would be less evident somehow at a lower volume. “She was hit by a car that night, died on impact. I couldn't even get to her in time, I couldn't apologize and tell her I never meant any of it. Everything I said led her to leaving, and led her to dying.” His voice cracked on the last few words, his fingers threading together as he tried to keep them still. “And that's why I know I'm not deserving of someone as amazing as you. I don't deserve to be happy at all.” he finished, left feeling as though someone had knocked the wind out of him.

Clare didn’t mean to come across as rude by getting to the heart of the issue. But the waiting only served to drive her crazy when she was standing right on the brink of the answer to the riddle. Fourteen days had come and gone, all spent exhausting every possible reason why Eli would grow so distant. For a long time she blamed herself, wondering if she had come on too strong, if the thrill of the chase was now over, or if he had a total change of heart. All prospects and the countless others didn’t quite fit considering the weeks of buildup they had. That one night shed light onto the fact that they were actually on the same page and had a mutual interest in one another. For him to then flip the script made Clare do away with faulting herself and believing the words of her friends who insisted that the problem must lie within the boy himself. Whatever obstacles he was up against, Clare wished that he would be able to share them with her. Since the problems with her parents began, Eli had been right there offering his supporting and helping her to deal with all the strain that was placed on her. If there was a serious problem he had going on, Clare wanted to reciprocate and be there for him as well. Everything in their relationship was equal, or at least that’s how Clare honestly saw it. Reading his body language, Clare could tell that he was bracing himself to unleash something big. It made her nervous but she stayed quiet, watching him anxiously until he began to speak. His question was an odd one but if it somehow related to what he was about to share, Clare wasn’t in a position to inquire further. Instead she nodded, instantly recalling their first trip together to Eli’s bookstore. The scavenger hunt called upon them both to track down items that came to mind when they read the five words the other person had assigned them. Clare had written down “memory” and as a result, Eli had returned with a package of Skittles that a friend of his had been obsessed with. For the life of her, Clare couldn’t piece together how the two were related but as Eli began, the gap between the two instances was filled. Eli had only spoken of his ex once, never mentioning the girl’s name and glossing over anything remotely telling. All Clare was left with was the distinct feeling that he hadn’t gotten over her and as Eli delved further into his explanation, she could see why. Her jaw dropped as a chill that had nothing to do with the weather ran down her spine. She could see it clearly her in mind though the elusive Julia’s face was a blur in her mind’s eye. Clare closed her eyes faintly. She was heartbroken for Eli and disgusted with herself so being so upset with him the last few weeks. “I’m so sorry,” she said softly, shifting closer to him now. She wasn’t sure if it would be okay to have contact now but it hardly mattered as she placed a hand over his to steady it. “Eli, you have to listen to me. It’s not your fault she died, I swear it isn’t. It’s unfortunate what happened to her, truly, devastating. But the blame doesn’t fall on your shoulders; you weren’t the one behind the wheel,” she insisted. “You do deserve happiness though, everyone does. You can’t refuse to carry on your life because of something that was far beyond your control.”

Eli almost couldn't believe everything he'd just said to Clare, but a rush of relief accompanied the confession. Regardless of whether or not she'd take it well, the words were out, and speaking them to her offered more comfort than it did when he told Adam. Even being around Clare again was comforting on its own, despite the fact that her body language was more frigid than he'd ever seen it before. Hearing her apologize, he wanted to shake his head and say that the only person who owed apologies for the rest of his life was him, but he felt too rattled to work out such a coherent reply. As she moved closer, Eli made sure to stay in his own spot, caught off guard as her hand settled on top of his. The warmth of it traveled through his own, his eyes closing just slightly at how good it felt to be near her again. “I feel like I killed her. Maybe I wasn't the one driving that car, but she could have been safe had we not gotten into that fight. I was supposed to protect her.” Inhaling, Eli sat up a little bit and turned his body towards Clare, taking a glimpse at her and then looking back at the bench beneath them. “I feel like there's a lot of things I'm not over yet. I might feel able to get romantically attached to another person, but every time I think long-term, all I can see is you getting hurt like she did. I don't feel like I'm the kind of boyfriend you should have.” He let a moment of silence fall between them, his hand finally moving to hold hers back. “But that's not for me to decide. I never should have taken it upon myself to pull away like I did. It left you with way too many questions, and I hate knowing that I hurt you. I'm so sorry, Clare.” he whispered, glancing between their coupled hands and her eyes.

Clare’s head was spinning, trying in vain to process all the information Eli had shared with her. It was by far the last thing she ever would have guessed, so sure that he might’ve been making a mountain out of a molehill in thinking his news was that bad. Nonetheless, Clare didn’t blame him at all for what happened and was saddened to see that the boy had been carrying around his heavy burden for so long. She was an accepting person and knew that Eli was aware of that. It came down to him being comfortable and ready enough to speak up about the personal tragedy he had endured before crossing paths with her. All her anger and confusion over the last two weeks faded away. Clare's instant reaction was to coddle him and protect him from the memory of the past. This situation wasn’t one she knew how to handle exactly but it was clear to her how broken Eli felt. If she could help to piece him back together with a kind word or small touch, she would do everything in her power to lessen the load he carried. She felt awful for Julia, a young girl whose life had been cut so short. And for Eli who was left in the aftermath and torturing himself with guilt and blame. She shook her head defiantly in protest, wanting him to do away with the thought that he was in any way responsible for what happened. “People get into fights all the time. Even if you never got a chance to tell her you didn’t mean the things you said, she had to have known you still cared for her deeply.” Clare stopped short, realizing that her eyes were filling with moisture. She swallowed the lump in her throat, collecting herself before continuing. “I’m going to be okay and you’re right; that should be my decision. I choose you, Eli. I did in the start of the school year and I’m still choosing you now. We don’t have to make something of this right now. But whenever you’re ready, I would like to at least explore the possibility.” She searched his eyes, feeling worlds better with his hand on hers. “I was so selfish. I feel like such a jerk right now for being mad at you,” she mumbled, disappointed in herself. “It’s okay. At least I know now and I promise, I won’t pressure you. But you have to promise me something in return, okay? If you’re dealing with something, you have to tell me. I’ve said it before: this friendship is a two-way street. You’ve always been there for me so please, let me be there for you. I always want to help, Eli. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”

Eli normally didn't like how it felt to open up to people about Julia. Usually, it felt awfully premature to be sharing such a personal piece of himself, and even if it wasn't, the pitying expression he'd receive once he was done speaking was enough to deter him. It was a sad story, and he certainly knew it since he was perpetually caught up in reliving it, but the sympathy of others didn't help. If anything, it made him feel more alone, knowing that if they were giving that sort of reaction, it must have meant that there was truly something wrong with him. They were reminders that he didn't need or want, but with Clare, it felt different. He knew she sympathized with him, but it wasn't in a way that made him feel less than or somehow changed in her eyes. He wasn't an emotional basket case to her, or a person to fear. Those were his two biggest concerns in opening up, but he was finding that luckily, being vocal only seemed to fill in a few blanks for her. Eli was a walking enigma and he knew it. As much as he liked making people wonder, it felt even better to have Clare understand without him having to delve into deeper detail. They were attuned enough to each to simply get it, and two weeks apart from each other did nothing to lessen that. He listened to her counter argument, but didn't say anything to rebut even though he didn't agree. In Eli's eyes, he'd failed Julia, before and after her death. The second half was something he couldn't bring himself to tell Clare yet, already feeling exposed enough with her knowing the first bit. He wasn't sure a day would ever come where he'd want or need to tell her, but it definitely wasn't today. As she continued, gradually the weight he'd been carrying the fourteen days was lifted, his Adam's apple bobbing as he tried to think of adequate words to say. Nothing could fully round up the gratitude and relief he felt, amazed that being together was even something she still wanted to pursue. Hearing her blame herself, the words finally came to Eli, adamantly shaking his head. “No. You were in the right. You didn't know anything about this situation, so every conclusion you might have jumped to is justified. Don't feel bad about it, please.” he insisted, hoping she would take his word for it. He returned to his attentive, listening self when she spoke again, his eyes widening at her prompting. For the first time since getting her attention, Eli smiled slightly, his laugh a little more bitter than it was sweet. “I'm not used to that. I'm pretty sure that's a given,” he joked, gesturing between them at the situation they were currently in, “I'll try. It's all I can promise right now, since it's going to take some getting used to. But I'll try, I swear.” he assured, inhaling to soothe his own nerves a beat later. “And once I'm in a place where I can put this behind me enough to be your boyfriend, I will be. Thank you for being patient with me.” Letting a few seconds pass, Eli inched over closer to Clare on the bench and pulled her into a hug, his body relaxing immediately once he breathed in her scent. “I'll never do that to you again.” he whispered, finally unafraid to let down a part of his wall. Withdrawing only enough to see her, Eli's expression lifted considerably, a rush of red flooding to his cheeks both because of the weather, and being so close to her again. “Can I start making it up to you by going on every single one of these rides together? Even the carousel, even if riding it will have me cringing the whole time.” he added.