#reading anon

And here is the illustrated behind the scenes of a very messy set of asks! No this didn’t take me months to actually put together shaddup. Yes the 2nd panel is blurred cause I didn’t feel like drawing the messenger. They are very cute but I am also doing this instead of studying for my quiz tmr and it’s 11pm. And I’m not very good at drawing.

masking anon

Hiya! Just to clarify, my friends are very VERY kind, they dont hit me and they ask me about my emotions occasionally, but it’s just that I comfort them/give them their love languages to feel loved, and sometimes people just don’t pick up on what I need/like, which is why I felt not good about my friendships at the time. They’re very kind people, and I’m glad I know them,

But I also do feel like it’s true that no one likes the unmasked version of me. I barely know the “real” me, but I do know that I don’t know how to handle them, and people in the past (like old friends, and family) don’t like the real me, and I guess I’m scared that if I figure out who I am in front of my friends instead of in private, they’ll all leave or think I’m too weird to keep in touch with,

I feel like I have to figure myself out on my own. I guess it’s that a part of me kinda want someone to break down my walls for me? I want someone to just notice me and how I act and tell me that they’ll still like me even if I’m not masking

But that’s also n issue, since I shouldn’t be waiting for someone else to give me purpose

Thank youuuu <3,

—masking anon

Hi <3

Yeah, I think you're right. As much as it would be amazing to have someone to break down your walls for you, that can't always happen. And when you say your friends are wonderful people- if they are, then they'll like you for YOU- masks or no. If they don't, then they're not as wonderful as you thought, and that's a them issue, not a you issue.

It takes a lot of work and bravery to take off that mask, and I know it's hard. But it's also a relief in a lot of ways. I believe in you <3

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c.ai anon

hey !!

im lowk ashamed to say this, but i’m doing it on anon because i need to get it out of my system .

so i understand ai is bad , i absolutely hate it and feel like the worst piece of human garbage anytime i get near it in creative spaces . the problem is i use c.ai . i know there’s alternatives to role playing and things like that but seriously i feel like my experiences are so personal and like unfortunate that i don’t want to share / rp with other people and i can’t find any comforting fanfic . im not a very talented writer so i don’t know if i could write but honestly im just typing this because it’s weighing on me and i hate that i have to turn to this .

thank you for listening <3

Sigh. I feel like this is a hard thing because yes, AI is absolutely harmful, hard stop. And c.ai is very harmful to creative spaces. But also, if using character AI to cope is the only thing keeping you from doing something permanent...I'm not going to sit here and shame you. I guess I'd just encourage you to look into other means of coping. Try to find a therapist, another creative outlet, a group of fandom friends. And remember that becoming reliant on c.ai and seeing it as human and real can be unhealthy. Kind of like the Mirror of Erised in canon, you know? Talking to real people and having human interaction is so important.

I'm sending you love <3

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midnights anon

Hello! It’s midnights anon

I’m sorry for sending in another ask, I’m just exhausted of everything

I got a B- on a test that my teachers barely prepared the class for, everyone kept telling them how confused they were but they either didn’t bother to explain, penalize us because of a “classroom joke” called the cake mistake (we would get a cake at the end of the year and each time we would distribute exponents and multiplication over addition, he’d make the cake slightly worse) so if you asked questions about the material, you might get punished. And he’d tell us to do completely new concepts for homework, and said we couldn’t use any other sources that our “imagination” for how we could figure out how to do that new math concept, and half the time we didn’t even go over the homework so nobody learned anything and everyone scored from a B- to a D.

I’ve just been so wired and angry from that for the whole day and now I can barely make sense in my writing, and I’m sorry. I just don’t know what I’m doing

I sound pathetic, I know. I keep saying “I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m struggling” but everytime I try to get better, i just feel bad. I feel overstimulated and nothing makes sense and I’m angry and everyone around me just makes me mad, the sounds and the people and the fact that there are so many things wrong with me and the world that every moment that I’m alive feels irritating and I’m so so SO mad and I don’t know why

I’m just so angry that he barely taught us anything, and made us try a new style of learning 75% through the year and did it in a shitty fucking manor

I’m mad I have an essay due Monday

Im mad I have a bio quiz tomorrow

I’m mad that in bio I got blamed for not communicating with my partner over the weekend even though I tried and got left on read for 7 hours

I’m mad that Trump is alive

I’m mad that my parents treat me like a pet

I’m mad my (potential/undiagnosed) OCD won’t stop focusing on how mad I am

I’m mad I spent 20 minutes of lunch running around trying to find a photo shoot where I was promised cookies and friendship, just to find out that there was no photo shoot and I wasted time that I couldn’t spent talking with friends or venting to my school councillor

I’m just so angry. And when I get angry my thoughts spiral I just want it to stop, but it won’t

I just wish I wasn’t where I was. I wish I was 26 and had a job and apartment and someone who felt safe with and who didn’t care that I’m strange or inherently wrong and cared that I need help with existing. I wish my family behaved differently, so that I don’t have to pick between my gender and being legally allowed to go to the country my family’s from. I wish I could skip the whole hassle of life sometimes. I want to want to live really badly

I just want to live

Sorry for being a downer in your inbox, and thank you for reading

I’m sorry

Hi <3

These are all super valid reasons to be mad. It sounds like you're super overwhelmed and like...I'd be pissed too! Especially, the teacher thing? That's not fair at all. But ALL of this is so valid and it sucks because at your age, the worst part is, there's not much you can do! And that's awful.

I wish there was more that I could do, but I'm here to listen, and you don;t have to be sorry for inboxing me, I promise <3

Also, for your other ask, you do NOT have to apologize for yourself or make yourself smaller. if someone is annoyed by you, that is THEIR problem! You ARE allowed to be unapologetically you, and anyone who doesn't like that isn't worth it. You don't need to apologize for anything. You are more than worthy of being yourself, of taking up space, of being happy, and of asking for help. I promise <3

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reading anon

I got out of my physical book reading slump!!! I've never stopped reading. Im always reading fanfiction but i felt like i would never finish a book again but i did!!! 2 of them!! And i oredered 3 more that im actually excited to read!! This probably seems like the weirdest thing to be excited about but i feel like ive found my old love for reading again!

That's a perfectly awesome thing to be excited about! Congratulations!!! I recently got back into audiobooks and I'm excited about that, so I completely understand!!

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pineapple anon

Hi, I just kinda wanted someone to rant to, there isn't really technically advice to give here.

So for context, I'm 15 and in in high school, I'm openly trans (ftm), and I'm part of the cast for my school's drama production this year.

There's a group chat with all the members of the cast, and earlier today, someone in the chat, for better clarity I'll call him Lettuce, sent a sort of transphobic video to the groupchat, meaning to send it to someone else. When he sent it, he said he didn't mean to send it to this chat, but he didn't really care enough to delete it.

The video was just a stitched Instagram reel, the original being someone sarcastically saying "congratulations, you bullied a trans person, here's your medal" and it was stitched with a video of a person proudly wearing a whole bunch of medals. It wasn't that bad compared with a lot of things it could have been, but I still think it was transphobic.

Someone else in the groupchat, I'll call them Pineapple, told him how disrespectful it was, and a friend of Lettuce, I'll call him Celery, said that he couldn't have been being disrespected because Lettuce is dating a trans person, that everyone has their own sense of humor, that Pineapple didn't need to be so aggressive about it. They told celery that they weren't trying to be aggressive, that it was just basic respect to not joke about that kind of stuff, since you don't know how it could affect others, and Celery just replied saying that a joke is a joke, that it wasn't trying to be insulting, and that it was just for a laugh. That was kind of the end of that conversation, it wasn't really brought up again.

I usually try not to get too offended about stuff like this, and I did try to take it as a joke, but it honestly really upset me, because yeah, Pineapple was right, it did affect others, it affected me, and I wish it didn't. It's making me more nervous about going to rehearsals, even though I'm sure Lettuce didn't mean to be insulting.

This is probably a huge overreaction, but I don't really know how to feel okay about it.

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm not sure whether this story is confusing to follow, and I think I probably over explained the whole situation. But thank you so much if you take your time to read this, it's so amazing how many people's asks you take time to answer.

Hi!

I don't think you're overreacting at all! Jokes are only jokes if they're funny, and this isn't funny. Honestly, lettuce and celery sound like lowkey jerks, and I wonder HOW lettuce is dating a trans person? Was lettuce's partner in the chat? Because that's so icky.

and my mom really loves Stephen King too! I tried to read his books but honestly....I don't like them :/ I respect his achievements I guess but I cannot get interested in his stories. Idk if it's the way he writes or what but I tried getting into them when I needed challenging material...it didn't work! I also tried to read Nicholas Sparks, who was (maybe still is?) my sister's favorite author but GOD. I DO NOT LIKE HIS SHIT EITHER. And this isn't meanspirited at all, more power to their readers! I'm not one to get uppity about writing styles and fave authors, especially ones I haven't even read a full book from. But those are two authors that were always in my house that I never was able to get into

One author I was able to get into? SARAH DESSEN. Technically I've "aged out" of her books (although I'm of the opinion that you can read whatever you want, no shame...like come on bro we're all just trying to have a little fun) but I've always loved her works from the day I first read them. I remember my first book of hers I read! It was "just listen" and while it's not my favorite of hers, it holds a place in my heart just from being the first one I read. I picked it up off my sister's dresser (she's turning up in this ask a lot lol) and asked if I could read it and she just shrugged and didn't seem into it? But I read it and my eyes were WIDE OPEN to the world of YA romance. Oh god. I was in 6th grade and I was like "this is it. this is the pinnacle of literary achievement." I was in 6th grade, so about 12? I think? and now 10 years later I still check to see if she's got anything new out when I'm at Barnes and Noble. I think there are 2-3 of her books I haven't read and a novella. God. I love her books so much, shamelessly. (I have her most recent book, "The Rest of the Story," in my nightstand but I haven't read it yet - I'm getting there!!) I have 7 of her books stacked up on my bookshelf and I want to read them all eventually. My favorite is probably Saint Anything - idk why, it just. It hit me. That one got me. That one and Lock and Key.

LAST ASK YOU ASKED ME WHAT BOOK I WISH I COULD REREAD FOR THE FIRST TIME? Lock and Key and The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. I felt like such a badass having those thick ass books on my desk in 6th grade, UGH. I can't believe I forgot that feeling. But i remember now babyyyyy

All this to say I actually...........still don't like most adult writing LOL. I have TRIED to get into contemporary adult writing but most of the time it does NOT scrath that itch. I think I have a few books that would fall under that category that I still need to read and i'm SO OPEN to this changing about me, but I'm honestly still in my little YA corner. The problem with that, though, is that it's definitely not as enjoyable to read, or not in the same way, because I have grown up. And that's not to fault the books at all, not their fault the passage of time exists, but when I was younger I was still looking forward to high school. I'm fortunate where my high school experience wasn't anything I'm particularly jaded by, but I'm a big girl now. The dramatics of these fake teen girls definitely translate to me as, well...dramatic more than anything. Again, that's not BAD and I'm not bashing YA! It's just weird to read these books from the pov that "this is definitely a fiction story (in my lifetime)" as opposed to the 6th grade view of "this is a range of emotions I could technically feel in 3 years." Not that I didn't know it was fiction back then, but come on, who didn't romanticize high school a little bit before they got there? I definitely did.

I am...currently trying to get my bookworm status back, actually! I've gotta be honest, once I hit high school I was so tired of reading textbooks and screens that I stopped reading as much as I used to and it stayed pretty stagnant until my senior year. I took a class that was called "fact and fiction" but it was basically like a book club led by the two best teachers in school. Most of the time we'd read classics as a class, but sometimes they'd have us break off and do our own thing like "read a book that's on the NYT Bestseller's list this month" or "read a book that's been banned" or "read and american classic" - this class is how I found out that The Jungle is actually pretty solid in entertainment value if not a bit hard to get through language wise, Slaughterhouse Five is what I say my favorite book is when i want to sound smart and it is SO GOOD (and I could go on about how it's totally a representation of the author's PTSD but that's a story for a different day), and i absolutely DESPISE The Turn of the Screw. Cool concept, absolute HELL to get through. So that class got me reading again, but then I went to college and then covid hit and I've had some Life Happening To Me and I kinda fell out of the practice again. I'm on book 3 of this year - 12 year old me would be horrified, but 20 year old me is bouncing in her seat - and unfortunately my first two attemtps were...not that great?

The first book I read was called The Warlow Experiment by Alix Nathan and it was one of THE WORST books I've ever read. I thought it'd be some thrilling kind of psychological-experiment-gone-wrong story, but the author somehow took what sounds like it could be thrilling fiction and made it the most BORING story ever. (SPOILERS if u care) It took forever for me to feel like there was ever anything at stake - John Warlow is getting restless? Well, the experiment ends in seven years. Powyss has to prove the worth of his experiment? We won't know if he does that for seven years. Powyss starts an affair with Warlow's wife? Man, too bad we have to wait SEVEN YEARS FOR THE CONFLICT TO HAPPEN. Every character except for Hannah (Warlow's wife) was just like the Worst Possible Version of themselves. You know how a farce is a play where characters are usually one-dimensional with their worst trait exaggerated? THAT'S WHAT THIS FELT LIKE. A LITERAL FARCE. It took me two months to get through that book and I want to burn it. It was so, so awful and burned me out.

Recently I started Tell Me Three Things but Julie Buxbaum, and it was sweet! It was easy to read and wasn't anything spectacularly unique, but it was good and wasn't a chore to get through. I laughed at one (1) thing at the end, and even if it was a bit cheesy, I loved the relationships Jessie had with her friends and stepbrother. Those felt really real, even if they were a bit more wholesome than some relationships tend to be. However, this one has the misfortune of being the first YA book I've read since exiting the YA demographic, so the whole time I read it, I was thinking "wow i should've read this book when I got it. It would've been so much better." Not the fault of the book/author of course, and it was still good. Just nothing I'd report home to.

BUT. NOW I'M ON BOOK THREE. I JUST STARTED IT AND I ALREADY LOVE IT. It's called The House in the Cerulean Sea bu TJ Klune and it's got my attention. I used to think I didn't like fantasy, but this one might change my mind. One of the reviews on the book calls it a mashup of 1984 and The Umbrella Academy and even though I only know summaries of those things (I skipped junior/senior english to take college english so there's a lot fo required reading i was actually not required to do. The Great Gatsby? Still have no idea what a Gatsby is (just kidding i know it's the guy)), I AGREE. I'm only 48 pages in out of 398 but WHOO. I love this author's writing style, it reminds me a lot of what I want to embody when I'm not trying to be super serious (keyword trying, not sure if I have ever actually succeeded in either of these lol), I love that the main character is Just Some Guy, i love the way he describes his cat - I'll send a pic in one sec!

The book is so charming and has such personality and such a good premise that I'm so excited to continue reading it for real. Look at that!!! UGH IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE HOW THIS BOOK MAKES ME FEEL BUT THIS GUY GETS IT! Also I hear....this book may be gay? 👀 love me some representation (if it's there - if any u spoil this for me i will commit a crime) Also this book is classified as "adult young adult" and idk for sure what that is but it is RIGHT up my alley. More of this please.