But I digress. My name doesn't really matter. I've been through so much that I don't feel like myself anyway. If I get out of all of this alive, I'll change my name, identity, and appearance, and claw my way through all the circles of Hell to get to the Human Realm. Because there is no way I'm staying in the Devildom. I can't.

What you need to know is that at this moment, I'm the public enemy number one. Before that, I was a private investigator. I didn't have a badge, but I still served the common folk. I had a pretty big channel on Deviltube. Politics, controversies, dirty secrets of nobles—there were no forbidden themes on my channel. I was famous for my honesty, for exposing the truth. And one day, I uploaded a video about the most controversial person of all. About you.

Yeah, you are not as slick as you think. These rumors about you dating all the Seven Rulers, the vague evidence of you trying to seduce our future king, the absolutely vile gossip about you and that angel, or whatever he is right now... I've proven all of them to be true! And even more! You had sex with some butler right at the castle! During a party! Everybody heard you two, you know. It was forbidden to discuss, but no matter how hard everyone pretends, the music just wasn't loud enough.

I also had some not-safe-for-work photos of you and that human sorcerer. But I'll be honest, they weren't even featured in a video. Everybody got tired of Solomon's romantic escapades around five hundred years ago. Do you even know that he had one thousand partners? All thousand of them at the same time. Yeah, you are not special.

Except apparently you are! Because literally all hell broke loose as soon as I published my video. It was taken down within several minutes. By the request of that damn company that allegedly protects your public identity now. You probably don't even know about its existence. Imagine a whole office full of demons tracking all the mentions of your persona on the internet. On taxpayers’ money. I wasn't shocked when I found out that Asmodeus was its owner. But when I learned that it was Lucifer who approved an enormous budget for that ridiculous purpose, I was appalled. I always thought that he was much more responsible with money. Though, after everything I've experienced lately, his actions don't surprise me anymore. It's clear that he is under your thumb just like everybody else.

Losing the video I've worked so hard on was stressful. I was furious, not understanding that it was just the beginning. Meanwhile, Asmodeus clearly mentioned this incident to the rest of your... Who are they at this point? Boyfriends? There were some rumors about marriage, but you couldn't marry all of them, right? Polygamy has always existed in the Devildom, but aren't you too greedy? Are you trying to break Solomon's record? Maybe all humans are simply insatiable? Even Asmodeus is less of a playboy. How do you even have the stamina to

They didn't wait long to make a move. It all started with horrifying nightmares, clearly a courtesy of Belphegor. And when I say horrifying, I actually mean "ultrarealistic inescapable torture that traps you within your own mind with your worst fears". Sounds lovely, doesn't it? No words can describe how awful these nightmares were. When I finally woke up, I swear, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. All the light escaped my eyes, and I looked like I was on the verge of death.

I soon realized that I was literally about to die when Satan broke into my house. I don't know if he and Belphegor planned their double attack or if it was just a coincidence. But I managed to run away. For a long time, I didn't even know what happened to my house. You know, the one I've been living in for seven centuries. Recently I succumbed to the temptation and sneaked there to check.

It's fully gone. Some remnants of my personal belongings are scattered on the ground. The debris is now permanently covered in the raging green fire. At least the neighbors were spared.

While I was on the run, several friends called me and let me know that apparently I became a fugitive. Lord Diavolo issued a warrant of my arrest. Everywhere I went there were guards waiting for me, ready to catch me toss and me in jail. After a while I started to think that I should've just gone with them. But against my better judgment, I continued to run.

Soon I realized that my phone was the problem. Someone was clearly tracking my movements through that damn thing. I noticed some virus files named "Stay_Away_From_My_Henry" and "Lord_Of_Shadow_Will_Get_You_LOL" right before I destroyed my phone, but I couldn't make sense of them. Maybe they mean something to you.

I was alone and without any means to contact anyone who could help me. Not even my lawyer! I tried to lay low, but someone always was on my tail. Probably whoever hacked my phone was watching me through security cameras around the city. I can't imagine who aside from the Seven Rulers could get clearance to access all the cameras in the Devildom, so it must’ve been one of your guys as well.

I wasn't sure how I was escaping. It was the only thing that went surprisingly well. But whenever I tried to find shelter or a transport to get as far away as possible, my luck was non-existent. Everything that could've gone wrong went wrong. Think of any negative outcome you can imagine, and it probably happened. I tried to hide in an abandoned building. It collapsed on me right away and almost buried me alive. I tried to take a bus. I was the only passenger, and it plummeted down the bridge as it was crossing it. The driver jumped out just in time. I wasn't so lucky. Then I tried to steal a car. And almost got suffocated by a self-activated airbag.

It took me some time to remember that Mammon can influence one's luck. It became widely known after some of his messy breakups. Word of caution: don't break up with or divorce him. It's not fun to be trapped in a bus while you're flying into a river, trust me.

Scratch that, don't break up with any of them, period. If my experience is any indication, none of them will let you go easily. You are stuck with them now; I hope you understand it. I bet they only ever let you see their "good side", but all of them are rotten.

Except for your angel lover. Never thought I'd say this about an angel, but he is not that bad. He is the only person who didn't torture me, and it means a lot to me lately.

Soon, the number of pursuers increased. I eavesdropped on some of them and learned that there was new blood among the guards Lord Diavolo sent. Solomon the Wise offered his services, and now all the demons he had contracts with were also chasing me around the realm.

The endless running finally stopped only when Lucifer himself decided to get involved. He appeared in front of me out of nowhere, grabbed me, and teleported away.

Did you know that he has five secret torture rooms hidden throughout the Devildom? I've visited them all. I must admit, they are pretty tasteful. Minimalistic decor, relaxing dim light, clean floors and instruments.

Lucifer wasn't much of a talker, at least around me. He clearly is a man of action and prefers to work efficiently. I got the opportunity to fully experience how imaginative he is as well. Though, the worst torture devices were of human origin. Some inventions currently can only be seen on the pages of human history books, but Lucifer replicated them to the tiniest of details.

When there was very little of me left, he summoned Beelzebub. A very hungry Beelzebub.

Have you ever been eaten alive? I assume not. Maybe you'll get to experience it one day if you anger one of your darling boyfriends. Or if you make him too excited. There is no win here, really. I don't know what you were thinking when you started dating this guy.

I'll spare you the details. Just know that every single cell of my body was put through a wringer. I can only thank my dear grandma for genes of incredible durability and regeneration. As long as something of me still exists, I can restore myself.

I regained my consciousness in the sewers. I'll leave it to your deduction skills to figure out how I got there. I was reforming my body slowly, piece by piece. And when I finally got a more or less stable structure and collapsed from exhaustion, I was greeted by another nightmare.

And then I woke up in my house. I know. I was confused too. At first, I thought that everything that happened was part of the nightmare, and Belphegor was just messing with my head. But it was far worse.

Everything repeated itself. Everything. Satan barging in, the endless chase, Lucifer, Beelzebub... I woke up in the sewers, regenerated, collapsed, and then woke up once more, in my house.

No matter what I did to change the outcome, nothing helped. I tried to give myself up willingly to the demons that chased me. Instead of taking me to jail, they dragged me to Lucifer, at his personal request.

Next time I went to Solomon’s minions. Did you know that he has three secret torture rooms in the Devildom alone? But I guess he'd call them "laboratories". I've visited them all as well. And then whatever was left of me was used in his potions. Some tiny parts of me always end up tossed away, though. I regenerate, collapse, and everything starts over.

I don't know who does it. Someone trapped me in this endless loop, and I can't get out. Time has no meaning anymore. I lost count of how many times I relived this sequence of events. I remember everything, which is the worst part of all of it. I'm so tired.

This is the first time I'm trying to contact you. Somehow it never occurred to me before that you could be my savior. Maybe this entity that keeps torturing me through time and space will be appeased if I apologize to you.

I am sorry. Truly. And I pity you. You may think that you have everything under control, but you tied yourself to a group of demons you don't really know. And a human sorcerer, of course. Be careful, because even if they don't show it in your presence, they are cruel. And you don't have regeneration as good as mine.

But I have a feeling that this unseen monster won't be pacified by a simple "I'm sorry" letter, so my only hope is you.

Make them stop. I've been through enough. There is no justice here, only a cruel game that amuses everyone except for me. I just want to leave this damn place and never come back.

They'll listen to you, I know that.

Take care of yourself. And good luck. You may need it even more than me.

AO3 link

    Belphegor’s level of laziness and lethargy is something you’ve never encountered before, but it definitely sailed to the top of your list of annoyances when being tasked as the one responsible to motivate him for anything.

    And sometimes it seems like they’re all working together to take turns in testing your patience.  Each deciding to take a day or two to be the one most on your nerves just so they don’t overwhelm you and chase you off all at once.  Today that brother appears to be the third.

    Some have accused you of being more lenient on Leviathan than the others.  While you think there is some level of leniency for all the brothers, one would be hard pressed to ever believe you even slightly liked any of them at this moment.  Especially Leviathan, down on the flat of his back, staring wide-eyed up at you towering over him.  The flood has barely cleared, water still high enough to frame Levi’s face, sloshing around his body and your legs as it rushes past.

    Now that you’re able to, you take a sweeping survey of your room, and the damages from yet another temper flaring induced visit from Lotan.  It’s mostly salvageable, but there are some things that look ruined at the moment and that is enough to lose your temper.

    Water splashes as you stomp even closer, feet planted on either side of his hips and Levi looks like he’s trying to turn into water to get away from you.

    “What the hell, Leviathan!?”  You gesture around to the room, even though he doesn’t look away from your angry expression.  “Can’t you and Mammon ever take your fights outside!?”

    He shifts to his elbows, slowly starting to scoot back and you move forward with him to counter.  No doubt Envy is about to attempt to scramble away, but you aren’t going to let that happen.

    “Stay,” you demand, half-tempted to invoke your pact with him just to get your frustration across.

    Leviathan visibly gulps, adam’s apple bobbing quickly as he otherwise halts; cheeks reddening even brighter.  “I’m…I’m sorry…  I’ll…  I’ll help you…”

    “You’re damn right, you will!”  You gesture again to everywhere.  “This is your fault, flooding the house everytime you lose your cool.  You have to get your temper under control, Leviathan!”

    In response, his lips purse, nodding quickly.

    It’s nice to see him being agreeable, even if it’s just due to being yelled at.  You’re already turning away, freeing Levi from the cage of your legs, to get started on the cleanup effort.  “You can start by dragging Mammon back here.  No way I’m letting him off the hook, either.”  It’ll be impossible to get everything fixed before Lucifer gets back, but hopefully he’ll be less infuriated to come home and see you three working together to clean.

    “Y-yes, Master…”

    You pause, abruptly, turning back to stare down at Leviathan.  He’s completely flushed, but he doesn’t look particularly afraid, even in the face of your flaring temper.  And the water is rather cold, so you don’t think it could be due to being overheated.  Any redder and the water draining around him might turn to steam.  “What did you say?”

    Levi slaps a hand over his mouth, scooting back when you step closer again.

    Your gaze sweeps down his body this time, soaked clothes doing him absolutely no favors; fabric clinging to every curve and shape, and giving him away immediately.  His thighs snap shut when you take another deliberate step.  “Leviathan.”

    “I'm—I’m going…”

    “What?”

    “I’m going…Master.”