#reader commands

You can't be CC just yet because that asshole you like is trolling you again. Good thing you were just finishing up telling her about your adventures.

Maybe he has some good news!

YES. How could you have forgotten by now how much she loves to hear about your numerous escapades and wacky adventures? It must have been a whole twenty minutes now since you’ve updated her Trollian with a good wall of text. You must rectify this immediately.

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cerberusGenocide [CG] began trolling corsairAshore [CA] CG: HEY ASSHOLE. CG: GET OFF OF YOUR BONY LITTLE NOOK AND GIVE ME THE NEWEST CHAPTER OF TRANQUILITY. CG: ITS MY WRIGGLING DAY AND YOU OWE ME. CG: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE WE ALL BLOW UP THE UNIVERSE OR WHATEVER. CA: you really think thats goin to happen kar? CA: that four eyes has really got you fooled you cant let him get ta you CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? CG: OH YOUR SHITTY LITTLE BLACK CRUSH RIGHT. CG: COME ON. YOU KNOW IT WOULD BE ABOUT AS ARTIFICIAL AS MINE. CG: YOU CAN’T JUST PROPOSITION WHOEVER YOU WANT. THEY REALLY NEED TO HATE YOU AS MUCH AS YOU HATE THEM. CG: I DON’T THINK YOU REALLY HATE HIM AT ALL YOU JUST LIKE PISSING HIM OFF WHICH IS MISSING THE POINT. CA: whatewer kar you just dont understand our hate ok CA: its just not like anythin youve seen before CG: IF YOU SAY SO YOU STUBBORN PIECE OF TRASH. CG: YOU’RE STUCK UNTIL HE DECIDES TO ACTIVELY RECIPROCATE ANYWAY. CG: OR AT LEAST UNTIL YOU GET AN AUSPISTICE TO EVEN IT OUT. CA: yeah and iwe got a plan CA: theres this game goin around right CG: OH COD. CA: he pretty much banned me from playin which you know was a straight up invitation CA: he was gonna send it here but he bailed so im gonna need some help gettin my hands on it kar CA: can you help me CG: YEAH FINE. CG: NOT BECAUSE I’M PLAYING CROSS-BLOOD MATCHMAKER HERE BECAUSE COME ON I DON’T THINK IT WOULD WORK. CG: NOT THAT I EVEN KNOW IT’S CROSS-BLOOD MATCHMAKING YOU INCONSIDERATE PRICK. CG: WE’RE FRIENDS YOU CAN SHARE THIS SHIT WITH ME. CG: INSTEAD OF BEING SOME KIND OF CAGEY FLIGHTLESS WINGBEAST ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. CG: SORRY I’M STILL GRIPING ABOUT THIS I’M CURIOUS OKAY? CA: yeah yeah CG: LOOK I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO. CG: HOLD YOUR HOOFBEASTS. CG: GLUB. cerberusGenocide [CG] has ceased trolling corsairAshore [CA]

Ah it appears your HACKING RIVAL is trying to get a hold of you. You’re absolutely certain you’re going to one-up him good this time.

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twofoldAdjutant [TA] began trolling corsairAshore [CA] TA: firzt thingz firzt shut the fuck up TA: zecond thing i dont want to hear your bullshit TA: third thing hold on ill zend you the game CA: its about time youd wanna play games with me sol CA: we can get the ball rollin on this thing we got if you know what i mean TA: yez i know what you mean god damn TA: and for the lazt time im not fucking interezted TA: let me find thiz file and ill zend it to you zo i can block you again TA: whoze idea waz thiz TA: letz let ta handle talking to mizter zexual harazzment grayblood TA: whatever ag zayz were all going to die anyway TA: i look forward to beeing without you in my life one way or another CA: sol thats the most romantic thing iwe ewer heard TA: im not zurprized TA: you know what TA: forget it TA: im not playing thiz game with you TA: or any game TA: i dont care what anyone zayz TA: fuck you and fuck your filthy bucket collection TA: if i wanted a kizbeeziz id find one a little lezz fucking dizguzting than you TA: im going to make sure you ztay out of thiz game if my life beepundz on it twofoldAdjutant [TA] has blocked corsairAshore [CA]

He’s got it so black for you it’s almost pitiful, but now it looks like you’re going to have to find someone else to help you into the game. Surely another one of these assholes would be willing to help you out for the sake of a kismesissitude written in the stars.

You play DUALDRAW THE WRANGLER and you are leading your STALWART COMPANIONS from one end of this landmass to the other in search of a plot of FERTILE LAND unclaimed by the GREEDY BLUEBLOODS you're FLEEING PERSECUTION from. Technically your long brown coat is not historically accurate, but it's fantasy anyway. It's not REAL history, but it's real to you!

While Trollegon Trail isn't an actual RPG, you and your friends like to ROLEPLAY when you play it together online. At least, you like to roleplay. They don't seem to understand how Trollegon Trail lends itself as a stage to GRAND and ELABORATE EXISTENTIAL DRAMAS and ROMANCE. But with you leading them as self-appointed DM, you have no doubt they'll come around in no time!

Well, you suppose it wouldn't hurt to look over your METICULOUSLY ORGANIZED NOTES for the next leg of your Trollegon Trail RPG campaign...