#rawdeal

My parents just switched me from wet to dry food...

You hear the name “Arnold Schwarzenegger”. What do you think of? Probably classic sci-fi action films like Terminator or Predator. Maybe his comedic roles in Commando or The Last Action Hero. How about Conan? You might even think of guilty pleasures like Jingle All the Way or End of Days. Certainly not "Raw Deal", a film so bland it becomes dull. This is the kind of material post-2000 Steven Seagal would've jumped on.

Arnold plays Mark Kaminski, a supercop who used to be in the FBI but has been banished to sheriff a town in the middle of nowhere. One day his former boss, FBI Chief Harry Shannon (Darrin McGavin) calls for help. There’s a leak in the FBI. Members of the witness protection are no longer safe. Shannon wants Kaminski to fake his death, take up a fake identity, and infiltrate the mob.

It’s been less than 24 hours since I saw Raw Deal and it’s already fading away. What I do remember seems pieced together from every generic action film I've ever seen. There’s nothing memorable about it except for the lack of good one-liners (an oddity in Schwarzenegger’s filmography) and the few moments so dumb they manage to wake you out of drowsiness. I understand Kaminski wants people to think he died but there has to be an easier way than destroying a block-sized chemical plant! He doesn’t even tell his wife (Blanche Baker) of the plan! It might've been forgivable if it came up but once the plot gets going she's never seen again. She's only in the film to facilitate some clunky exposition early on.

Under the weight of even a few simple questions, this house of cards crumbles. It’s just a silly action movie, but DAMN is the body count high. Yes, they’re all mobsters or scumbags, but the film lures you in with this idea of a high-risk, delicate mission. Instead, Kaminski blows away dozens of people, and not in particularly clever, memorable or inventive ways. Is this story set in a world without consequences or is it the kind of place where an officer can be demoted after using excessive force on a suspect? It can't be both.

Often, you'll find the characters doing things not because it makes sense but because the plot asks them to. Let me paint you a picture without giving anything away. Your action climax at the zoo has just finished. All the corrupt zookeepers are dead. Now, it's time to finish off their leader. If you were Kaminski, you wouldn't throw them in the lion's cage. Instead, you'd open the cage because you know the lions know they're in a movie and will attack the villain. In a movie, that might be kind of cool to see, but unless you establish this kind of thing ahead of time, it makes no sense.

So who is the villain? It's easy. Just point to the most obvious, sleaziest person you see. The future hostage our hero will have to defend? No doubt it'll be the attractive lady with a heart of gold. It feels like everything's stolen from other movies. You'll be bored watching Raw Deal. It's worsened by a lousy performance from Schwarzenegger. You might argue he’s never been a great actor. I disagree. When he fits the role, he displays charisma. He's got on-screen presence. Not here. Even the title feels generic. Raw Deal. Whatever. (On DVD, March 24, 2015)