#ranty thing

if you read the fanfic referred to in my recent posts that i posted around a year ago (those who have read it will probably realize what i’m talking about but i won’t say what the fic name is), i should let you know that it was written when i was at a weird point in my life and i needed to throw up words and emotions i couldn’t really speak to anyone about. i didn’t feel in control of anything in my life and i think that fic was almost a manifestation of my problems, if that makes sense.

it wasn’t a terrible, unforgivable prompt or anything (like, from what i remember, it was pretty… normal, actually?), for anyone who doesn’t know what it was about, but i didn’t really want to be associated with it anymore as it kind of displayed my worst feelings so to speak (gosh i’m sorry for being so vague but i would really rather not specify the topic).

that’s a long preface to say i don’t write that stuff anymore. it was my first fanfic and i was experimenting with my writing style and i was sad and feeling crap. regardless of whether those who read it liked it or not (also, i am so sorry anon, please don’t feel guilty about giving me those asks because i chose to respond to them 🫶 plus i wanna expand on that au because of you so thank you) i won’t continue that specific story, i orphaned it anyway.

i’m just worried about how people will see me because of that, and i wanted to set it straight that i wasn’t really in the right place when i wrote that thing, even if it doesn’t excuse me making it in the first place. i’m totally different now, i swear.

(also, to anyone who writes fics like that, this is just a personal fear of digital footprint and being seen as problematic i think. i really don’t want to come off as judgy. i don’t really know how to put that.)

Over $200 for a single cardigan. That's the same as my fortnightly grocery shop.

Levi is very expressive with his emotions. He’s a very animated guy, very chatty (often gets a bit rambly) and he is very easy to read with how he is feeling. For example, the ambulance scene, where he was practically in tears. Any time he is with Nico or around him, you can see how absolutely amazed he is by this guy. 

Nico, however, is not as expressive. For people like me, I can very often misinterpret how he is feeling. He is very subtle and is definitely very concentrated when he is at work. If you compare him to how he is at work compared to when they’re at the New Year’s party, you can see a difference. He’s looser at the party, more relaxed, especially around Levi. I have to concentrate and rewatch many scenes when he’s at work so I can really tell how he’s feeling. It’s his eyes that are the most expressive at times, I have to watch them very carefully. Sometimes though, he’s easy to read. For example, after the surgery in the most recent episode (14, for reference) where he just cannot hide his smile when Levi is literally comparing him to a statue of Rome. There are times when he is a lot more expressive and he is easier to read. 

like one time, someone in my class was talking about lebron james and i looked him straight in the eyes and said it like that kid, i didn't know where it came from and i couldnt figure it out for at least three days.

if someone asks me what 9 plus 10 is, i automatically say 21 and i never even watched that video, like have maybe heard the audio once or twice, but have never actually seen the video, but that is still my automatic response to that question.

This is coming from having been told one of my favorite bands 'sounded whiny' and that the person I was excited to share it with disliked hearing them because of this. This was YEARS ago... And I dropped listening to that band for way too long to keep that person comfortable. Found the music buried deep in a playlist and discovered I still like them.

I’m f-ing done with this shit!

Why do I have to always accommodate my own needs for the sake of others when you can’t do the same for me? I care a lot about my work and when there is chit chat in the background, it’s not a matter of choose and choose not to, it’s about can and can’t. I can’t concentrate on my work when there is excessive background noise and I’m sorry that it’s not convenient for your little conversation about what shoes you bought last week but your talking in the background of the silent zone in the library is only going to make it worse for me in terms of my grades.

So two years ago, it’s finals week and math is a topic I need to excessively concentrate on or I just won’t do well in it. I’m a very right brained creative type and I need all the time I can on math studies. I was already struggling in that class due to my lack of money to afford a proper tutor due to my own financial problems so extended time in the library was called for. I walk to the library and reserve a spot in the silent zone where no speaking is permitted and pull out my textbook to work. It’s going fairly well until two blondes come in the room and start giggling about some shallow shit I could care less about. I find it harder and harder to focus on my work with their disruptive behavior and get up to ask them to take their conversation to a speaking zone. I say to them “excuse me but please don’t talk here, it’s a quiet zone and I’m trying to study like everyone else, thank you.” I couldn’t have been nicer in my tone and the girls nod and say “ok we will” before walking away. A few minutes later, they come back again and are even louder than before. The other people around me were being fairly tolerant of this but myself being someone with ADHD trying to pass an exam, I’m not going to let it slide. I get up again and say a little firmer,

“This is a silent zone, I asked you to be quiet or take it outside, myself and the rest of these people here are trying to work and we can’t with the talking in the background.”

Both seem put off by being asked to be quiet but nod and walk away again. I’m finally able to get crap done for 30 minutes until the disruptive girls return to the silent zone a third time. I get out of my seat and snap. I say very assertively that I have ADHD and I can’t work with their obnoxious behavior and the rest of us in the room are annoyed with them as well. One of the girls puts her little hands on her hips and says to me,

“Well this is free speech, I’m allowed to talk whenever and I’m sick of you being rude and trying to silence me.”

And I’m lost at this point. Since when is it ok to talk in a silent zone and distract other students while they are trying to live their own lives? I tell this bitch straight up that she’s the one being rude and inappropriate so I get up, and take my things to my apartment to study there. The behavior from those two girls apphauled me. In all honestly, it doesn’t matter if the student has ADHD or not, talking while people are working is just rude and it should not be tolerated. I am sick of people talking down to me when I try to speak up for myself and others but really, the quiet zone? These people ought to know better. I apologize but I really needed to vent this because it happens all the time and I’m F-ing sick of it. Be a good human being and shut up when people are studying in a quiet zone.