#random entry

At some point long ago a bunch of humans decided lust and arousal was a "bad thing," and I really wish that would stop now. Like stop shaming ppl for having a totally human urge and experience, geezus christ.

People are so tiring sometimes I just can’t even cope with it right now? I just don’t understand sometimes why I deal with so much anger directed towards me when I try to give people space and compassion.

People really just want you to disappear when you're struggling or want to die. Then they cry when you're gone and go on and on about regrets and how they wished you had just reached out. Meanwhile when you were around acted like your pain was a burden and they didn't have the time or thoughts for you. People are weird, and disingenuous shallow assholes. And they always think someone will be around. And there's all sorts of time. And people have endless strength and capacity to just suffer.

Even though people notice me sometimes, I always or ultimately feel or am made to feel invisible by the way I'm treated. I wish it wasn't the case, and that I didn't feel and wasn't so lonely. I'm sick of reliving these scenarios and emotions. I'm tired of feeling so trapped despite all I do and have done to change and change my situation. And then I remember just how much and how often it really isn't me or my fault. When the environments and people around me are the issue.

I like to tell myself, "I regret losing emotions". Even though I know it never happened. It's just a wish I had when I was young, and the reality that i have somewhat changed while growing up. It's nice hearing other people say the same things, while knowing that they're also lying to themselves. You can never lose emotions, as we've always been lost in emotions.

Walking down the dark road alone, no one else around but the feeling of someone watching you. Or was it something? I do not know. It is a scary feeling. I know that people fear the unknown, and that I once thought it was stupid. But now that I am in the same situation, I am feeling stupid and ignorant, that my fear is overwhelmed by another emotion. Pooling up my anger, towards myself, I gather more hateful things in my mind, I add fuel to my rage. And by the time I woke up from my stupor, I am back into the light, at the end of the road where a light post stand. How great is it that we are able to override fear with other emotions. I am learning, and growing by the day, but I never realize it.