InstrAmental

I never want to look back and say that I should have

Being able to look back and feel the relief of having followed through

With no regrets

No memories of disappointment and failing to act

There is much to life

But you are unable to stop

That sometimes you can be so aware of what’s going on in the moment

See what you’re doing but be unable to control what happens as it’s happening

Rehearsing in your mind phrases that are meant to calm you

Keep you from losing yourself in the moment

And as you go over these phrases

The urge just builds until you are completely and utterly unable to control yourself

You lose

All sense of operation is lost

All that exists is the pure and undeniable sensations of pleasure

Gratification

As though in your entire life you have never known good except for in that one moment

Through that one particular action

But you are reminded in the end that all of it is simply momentary

Control gradually returns

While ironically uncontrollable feelings of guilt, shame, defeat, disappointment and frustration begin to surface

And unmistakable amongst it all is

People make seem like recognizing your own flaws and where you went wrong with other people is the hardest thing..

I don’t know but I feel like the real hard part actually comes from what you must do afterwards

Correcting those flaws and actively working towards being a better person

That for me is the hard part

Because you will fail

And in your failures you will just end up more flawed than before and hurt others even more

And even so you still have to change

Because staying the same only guarantees pain

I need quiet

Days where

I’m not anywhere

I’m not anything to anybody

I am

just existing

a floating particle

I need nothing for I am nothing

They watched the sunrise at the end of the world

Shining bright into the water and their faves

Welcoming the moon

Welcoming the night

Their eyes lingering into each other’s

And hands slightly touching

We watched the sunrise

While falling in love underneath the stars

The birds are in full song

The sun is slowly lifting off the horizon

And the wind is cool yet biting

And all I can think about is sharing it all with you

This tranquility of the morning

Before all the buzzing of the world

Everything is so vibrant yet there are no other souls in sight

Your hand in mine, my hand in yours

Content

Destroying everything until I alone remain

How I knew I loved you is when i remembered how as a kid

Often whenever I walked

I would think about the life that existed before me

The many bones & existences that withered away in the ground beneath my feet

And it blew my mind

how much of the earth is covered with withered bones and existences

Like before the foundation of the things that stand now

Like houses, buildings and so forth

I would think about these things

Even as a kid

And I would feel pain and sadness and wonder

at all those lives that existed before

That’s how I knew that everything has its end

Everything has its place in existence

We will be born and live and eventually die

Yet when it came to you

Somehow you seemed more permanent

I couldn’t really think of you dying

Because it would bring pain and nothing but that

Like

How could someone so marvelous, so precious cease to exist

I couldn’t reconcile that fact in my mind

And the fact that you and I have existed in different lives and times of the earth

just added more credence to the fact that

Yours is an existence most precious

Atleast to me

And it resonates

How in the times I’ve come across you

I couldn’t help but love you and try to protect you

Curious and astounding really it was when I found that you reflected me entirely

As I did you

I suppose in the bigger scheme of things you made me realize the importance of my own existence as a result

But I’ve never been so lost in hubris to assume such a role

Whether I have the right to or not

All I really know is that

You and I fell in love under many stars

Long, long ago

And that love has somehow remained

It has changed us both in many ways

I consider it a blessing really

And sometimes it hurts like a curse

But I would not trade it for anything in the world

I realize cause of past traumas

There is a fear that exists in me

That this existence; this life, our circumstances will take you away from me

And I’m trying to heal, honestly I am

But sometimes it gets so bad I’m afraid even God will take you away

However irrational it might seem

But I guess that’s fear in the end

For me you’re the proof that

All of this is real, that there’s meaning

But I also realize how heavy and how to some degrees unfair that is to put on another person

Believe me I’ve questioned myself many a time upon the fact

If you’re safe and happy that means more to me than words can convey

Cause I know what’s it’s like to lose you, I know the pain of what it’s like to have you taken away

The choice is yours whether you go or stay

But nothing will change that you are the most precious person in all of existence to me