#ramugen

first things first this was for gentaro week. second things second this fic alludes to my yumeno theory that i've been sitting on for six years and i have a good amount of fics i've been sitting on that are based on this theory just gathering dust for at least four of those six years bc i was afraid i'd post them and have them immediately debunked by canon but. as you know. hypmic is kind of in a horrible and disgusting lull right now. so fuck it we're sharing the theory fics

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dark of his bedroom at who knows when in the morning was when Gentaro had time to himself to think. Often, he would use this time to write if he were particularly inspired or simply couldn’t sleep. Tonight, he lied in his bed with his partners on either side of him, both having fallen asleep some time ago. He had fallen asleep around the same time as them, but insomnia still snuck its way in and woke him up, then of course made it hard to get back to sleep.

Ramuda, to his right, had his face nuzzled up against Gentaro’s shoulder and a hand resting on Gentaro’s chest, lightly gripping at the collar of his yukata. Dice, to his left, had at some point adjusted to be lying on his back, really only keeping contact with Gentaro by having his arm tucked underneath him.

While he knew that the two of them had a plan for his birthday, he didn’t really know what the plan was until they picked him up that afternoon. It was nice that they had planned it for the afternoon, as it gave him time in the morning to visit his brother. He hadn’t even recalled his own birthday, being surprised when Gentaro presented him with a gift—a book that, before the incident, he had expressed wanting to read. Of course, it’s not like he remembered that interaction either, but nevertheless, it was something Gentaro had wanted to do regardless of memory. He hadn’t wanted to mention that it was his birthday too, no need to distress his brother with that information when all he wanted was for his brother to have a good birthday.

He even had about thirty minutes between arriving home and his teammates’ planned meeting time to let out. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to be close to normal for the rest of the day.

Ramuda and Dice arrived soon after and took turns dragging him all over Shibuya. From cafe to bookstore to park to train to clothing store to cafe- it was just a bit of a blur of events as the day pressed on. They ended the day at Gentaro’s home, having cake together in his little kitchen and watching movies until they were all tired enough to go to bed.

And now he’s awake, staring at the ceiling, only able to make out the ceiling with the faint light coming from the moon outside of the window. He lay on his back, hands folded across his stomach, not interfering with Ramuda’s.

He had enjoyed the day. He was really happy to spend the day with his partners, really. But he also couldn’t get his brother out of his head, especially now that he was alone with his thoughts.

The real Gentaro should’ve had this. In another universe, he, the real one, would be spending the entire day with Ramuda and Dice, perhaps they would’ve had a similar relationship with him as they did with the fake.

And he, the fake one, would be happy to spend even a morning with his brother. He would spend the rest of his day the same as he spent every other day, content with writing alone, perhaps. Or maybe he would be lucky and be able to spend the day with the rest of them. Perhaps his brother would be kind and include him as the honorary fourth member of Fling Posse. Would he have the relationship with Ramuda and Dice that he has now in that universe?

He would’ve liked to include his brother in their celebrations today. His brother would like that, he thought, but he’s not really sure anymore these days. He had considered bringing them to the hospital trust to meet him, but his lost memory was still too concerning to be introducing him to them.

Especially introducing Ramuda, if what he explained about the Kotosarai unit is true…

The tears rolling down his face weren’t really a shock, but he hadn’t actually meant to start crying. He didn’t want to get out of bed, but the risk of being caught crying was nonzero if he stayed, and they had been so kind to him today to have to see him like this.

With a deep, shuddering breath, he carefully detached Ramuda’s hand from his chest and sat up, trying to pull his shoulder from Ramuda’s face without waking him. He did his best to keep his breathing under control as he carefully crawled over Dice and off the bed. A stray few tears landed on the covers, but not on Dice.

He has never been successful at not waking Ramuda whenever he crawls out from the middle, however.

“Hmm? Gentaro?” Ramuda mumbled. Gentaro carefully slipped into his slippers, pondering if he should say anything or not. Perhaps Ramuda will go back to sleep, but he’s also never been successful with that hope either. “Everything alright?” He sat up, rubbing one of his eyes and pouting. Gentaro made an effort to not look back, lest his tears betray him.

“‘m fine, just going to the bathr-oom.” His voice cracked and he took a sharp breath in, perhaps Ramuda wouldn’t notice, or would think it was just because he just woke up. It was easy to come up with what ifs, not easy to have them happen, though.

“Are you sure? If you need to talk, Dice won’t wake up if we whisper.” Ramuda moved to sit up more properly, rubbing his eyes a bit more ferociously.

Gentaro hesitated for a moment, turning his head enough to see Ramuda’s form and looking away when Ramuda met his gaze.

“Gentaro…”

“I need- some fresh air, I think.” He struggled to get it out, his voice horridly catching in his throat. Without waiting for a spoken reply, he quickly left the room. He heard Ramuda sigh as he left, but he didn’t dare look back.

The front door closed with more force than he meant to use and he sat down harshly on the step. The tears fell unobstructed the moment he turned from Ramuda, all he could do was just to cradle his face in his hands, elbows propped up on his knees.

It wasn’t fair that he got to spend their birthday with friends, that he got to have fun while his brother still doesn’t remember who he is. They used to be all each other had for their birthday, and now he was betraying his brother by having fun with friends without him. Only one of them has the friends to celebrate with. Friends that we made on false pretenses.

He felt Ramuda sit down beside him. “You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to.” Ramuda leaned against his shoulder, resting his head against him. He glanced at Ramuda without moving his head, he struggled to keep his breathing in check and his hiccups were strong enough to shake Ramuda. The arm pressed against the writer moved and wrapped around his back, rubbing softly at his other shoulder. “This is about your brother, right?”

He hiccuped again, nodded furiously, and curled further in on himself. If he tried to speak now, it would come out incomprehensible.

Ramuda hummed in acknowledgment, keeping pace in his rubbing. It was comforting, Gentaro couldn’t help leaning into Ramuda after a moment.

Being vulnerable in front of his posse was hard for someone like him who was chronically evasive, let alone in front of Ramuda. Dice was emotionally available, and he was very good at empathizing with Gentaro, but he wouldn’t ever fully understand Gentaro or his way of living and how his emotions play into that. There’s safety in knowing that. Ramuda, on the other hand, knew almost exactly what his feelings were, and could understand them on a much more personal level.

They didn’t have identical lives, but they were so similar in so many ways that he even gets spooked whenever Ramuda correctly guesses his thoughts. They were both chronic  liars to hide how the Party of Words used and treated them, keeping their real feelings to themselves to prevent risk to their missions and keep others at a distance, and even down to their individual jobs as creatives who face deadlines and art blocks. Ramuda knew him well, and he knew Ramuda.

Being vulnerable in front of a version of him that got stuck was very hard.

Some time passed, how much, he didn’t know, but his breathing did begin to even out again. He glanced at Ramuda from between his fingers. His eyes were closed, but he pressed into Gentaro’s shoulder as much as he could.

“Your-“ He breathed in harshly, “Your clones-”

Ramuda opened his eyes, his movements pausing. “Hm?”

Gentaro lifted his arm, the one not with Ramuda’s hand on it, to use his sleeve to wipe his face. “Do you ever- have you ever…seen them as family?”

“Hm? Not really.”

“No?”

“We weren’t really meant to have connections like that. I’m kind of a defect in that way, but I don’t really view my clones as family ‘cause we never really interact like that.” Ramuda shrugged and sat up straight, then turned towards Gentaro to help wipe his face.

“So I’m the only one with a family that I care about…” He frowned. He doesn’t even blame either of them, but it’s somewhat alienating to be in such a situation. “Not that I’m complaining, I just-“

“Want to relate to someone?”

He closed his mouth after being cut off and looked away, bringing a hand to his mouth. “Yeah.”

They were so similar, yet so different.

“Hmm, I guess I can relate to that feeling, though. I wouldn’t say I have too many familial relations outside of you and Dice.” Ramuda started, his hand leaving Gentaro’s shoulder to rest on his thigh instead, rubbing circles with his thumb. He propped his head up on his other hand, resting on his leg. “The one who gave me Empty Candy, maybe. But we didn’t have that lengthy of a relationship to really stake that claim.” Gentaro hummed. “I liked them though, more than I could say about anyone in the Party of Words.”

Gentaro chuckled through rough breaths, glancing back at Ramuda. “It’s lonely, being unable to relate to others, isn’t it?”

“I guess, I didn’t really know what loneliness felt like for a long time.” He dropped the hand holding up his head and leaned into Gentaro’s line of sight. “But I have you guys now.” Gentaro returned the smile for a moment, only for it to warp as his composure broke again. He buried his face again and Ramuda’s smile dropped. “Ahhh, that sentiment doesn’t really work for you though~!” He whined.

Similar, yet different.

“Did you see him this morning?” Ramuda leaned into his space again, voice soft again. Gentaro nodded. “I don’t imagine he remembered it was your birthday, though, based on what you said his memory is like…”

Gentaro shook his head. “Our birthday.”

“Oh!” Ramuda’s thumb paused. After a moment of silence, it resumed its movement and Ramuda spoke again, “Did he remember it was his birthday…?”

“No.” He shook his head again. “I- I still brought him a present. I- I didn’t t-tell him we shared one.”

Ramuda went quiet again, the way his thumb moved, making more erratic movements, drew Gentaro’s attention away from his mind for a moment. He uncovered his face, looking at Ramuda's. Ramuda’s brow was pulled together as he looked at Gentaro, not flinching when Gentaro looked at him. His lips were slanted in thought and his head just slightly tilted.

“If it’s both of your birthdays…are you identical or…? ‘Cause like, how does he not know you’re related if you are identical?”

Gentaro blinked, tilted his head, then laughed. He used one hand to wipe at his tears, taking a few deep breaths in between laughs. “I wish I knew. Something about the coma…about whatever they did to his brain…it wiped his memory clean. If he couldn’t recognize his own clothes on me, there’s no way he would recognize his own face.”

Ramuda smiled a bit when he laughed, then used his free hand to wipe at his tears too. “I wish I could offer more to you here.”

Gentaro waved him off. “No, no, it’s fine.”

“You must’ve been close, that sucks…” Ramuda hummed. “That explains why you asked about the other clones…”

He couldn’t help the laugh that came out, but he nodded. Ramuda couldn’t possibly have the full explanation there, but he can at least understand part of it.

“Do you need more time? Or should we head back before Dice wakes up and thinks we left him?”

“We did leave him, technically speaking.”

“Pfft- you know what I meant.” Ramuda took his hand from Gentaro’s thigh and lightly slapped his arm. “Well? Are you good to go back? We can sit out here for a while longer, if you need.”

Gentaro breathed in deeply, letting it out slowly, then repeated it. After the second exhale, he nodded. “Yes, let’s go back in.” He pushed himself to his feet, Ramuda following with no hesitation.

Ramuda opened the door, prepared to hold it open, but instead jumped and let go of the doorknob when he was greeted by Dice trying to open the door too. “Ah! We were caught!”

Dice blinked, unlit cigarette between his lips, wide-eyed. “Oh, this is where you two were.” He looked past Ramuda to Gentaro and furrowed his brow. “Are ya okay? Yer eyes are…”

Gentaro smiled, it wasn’t a convincing one in the slightest. The hiccup that left him after didn’t help either.  “Yes, Dice, you see…” He widened his eyes and took a step forward, standing next to Ramuda. “Red is actually natural for me, I have to disguise it with white contacts every day so no one suspects anything…For I’m actually a frog!”

“Oh please, not the frog agACK!” He scrambled to keep his balance as Gentaro jumped onto him, arms wrapped around his neck. The cigarette fell from his lips and Ramuda cackled, trying to catch it before it hit the ground and failing to do so. “Get off!” He managed to stand straight, then began to pry Gentaro’s arms off of him, which was hard with Gentaro burying his face in his neck.

“So mean to him! On his birthday!”

“‘ts like 1am! It’s not his birthday anymore!”

“Let’s all go back to bed~!” Gentaro sang, refusing to let go of Dice.

“I was gonna smoke!”

Ramuda stepped forward this time, closing the door behind him and grabbing Dice’s arm to drag him with him. “Not anymore! Bedtime, birthday boy’s orders!”

“Agghhh.” He gave up the fight, it was two against one, he stood no chance. Gentaro only let up his hold when Dice started to follow Ramuda, leaving just one arm around his neck to walk side by side with him. “Seriously, are ya alright?” He spoke at a quieter level as they made their way back into the bedroom. “I want ta know fer real…”

Gentaro smiled softer, this one being much more natural and convincing. “I’m fine, I was just…”

“Dice! Did you know Gentaro’s brother was his twin!?” Ramuda let go of him to sit on the bed, staring up at him wide eyed. “It was both their birthdays today!”

“Hah? Really!? Ya shoulda told us, we’d’ve figured somethin’ out for him too!” Dice gawked at Gentaro as the other pulled away from him finally.

“No, it’s fine Dice, you wouldn’t have been able to do much, anyways. Perhaps next year…?” Gentaro sat down next to Ramuda, taking his turn to look up at Dice, smiling. “I appreciate the sentiment, though.”

Dice nodded firmly. “Next year, that’s a promise, ‘kay?” He pointed. “Don’t try to wriggle out of it when it comes around! I’m rememberin’ this.”

Gentaro giggled. “Of course, Dice.”

They settled into bed, Gentaro being on the outside this time. He still felt too claustrophobic after his fit to be in the middle, but was just fine switching with Ramuda. The other two were quick to fall asleep again, and Gentaro once more found himself following them.