#ramblerant

isn’t that a funny sentence

but then again, what is funny about ridiculing somebody’s fear?

i mean, fundamentally, what is fear really? situations where our tiny monkee brains are forced to reconcile with the immovable giant that is our world? extensions of concerns stemming from previous bad experiences? ingrained defense mechanism built from our cavemen ancestors? (btw i hate the cavemen ancestor whatever the fuck built in arguments that just sounds so culty and pesudoscience to me but yes)

this sounds way too pretentious sorry

it’s just that I often dwell on things that I know I shouldn’t dwell on, because digging in a big deep hole that’s already very big and very deep does not contribute much to the discussion does it? i guess it’s also very on brand for me to be stuck trying to do something that I know is impossible. (less so now, but I could be very stubborn, or so I have been told) It also doesn’t help the fact that I’m afraid of being shot to death while living in amsterdam, one of the safest city in europe, like who the fuck even thinks of shit like that??

not to quote mulaney but, for years I was a child, in many many part i still consider myself a child I have way too many dumb habits and quirks that I need to iron out before I can convince myself that I’m an adult. As a kid, I would often wake up crying to my parents, telling them that I, in fact, do not want to go quiet into that goodnight and merely perish at the ripe age of 80 and would rather not let time gain its victory over me. over the years, that hasn’t as much dissipated as it has kinda burrowed deeper into the two inch deep kiddie pool that is me. Sometimes, usually unprompted, or most of the time when I start watching videos from Vsauce, or that one time I watched a Ted-EDU animation on heat death, the good ol’ comforting snake of dread slithers out of whatever hole in my soul it buried itself in, and starts dripping venom into my ears again for approximately the 80 bijillionth time.

reading camus and thinking about the meaninglessness of life yet still rebelling against that has certainly helped me with not spiraling too much from homebase but, that’s a topic for a different time.

but i guess fear is also one of the most definitive part of the human experience, is it not? the sharing of pain and worries and woes, that could have stemmed from the simplest thing like a can of beans, to know that you are not alone in this puddle of anxiety, to find solace and reassurance in simply possessing the fact that there are indeed someone there that could ease a bit of the weight that you’ve been holding onto for so long. To know that despite it all, sometimes life just like to tease you out a bit by throwing you a lifeline, tricking you into believing that maybe god put you on this earth for a reason ;)

okay that got a bit too nihilistic but you know me

i mean, i think beans are worth it though, even though you might cut your finger on the can every time (or almost every time I’m not one to generalized I ain’t your cans of beans) you open them, they do be beans though, and beans are pretty great. They come in so many shapes, all of them can be described as bean-shaped, and their flavour is so unique and comforting. Just a sea of sameness culminating into an experience that can be described, not to use big words here, but like "a mouthful of beans."

i love beans.

So this is going to be a bit rambly but there’s something I feel like venting. Over on Youtube the Kpocalypse is happening. There are a ton of Kpop related channels in danger of being deleted or have already been deleted due to a wave of copyright strikes. Mostly reaction channels but anyone who uses Kpop clips in their videos is at risk or has already been affected. Many of the videos that have gotten strikes are months or even years old. CJ E&M is the company that seems to be on the rampage. There is evidence to suggest that it might not be them but someone posing as them but no one knows for sure. Needless to say, it’s caused a good deal of anxiety in the Kpop community on Youtube. I could go on a huge rant about how I think it’s absolutely ridiculous for a company like CJ E&M to penalize Youtubers who are essentially promoting their content and bringing it international attention, creating new fans as well as hyping up existing fans. There’s groups that I never would’ve found if it weren’t for reaction channels. And what did I do after I discovered them? I went and watched their content and I bought their music. Anyway, this rant isn’t really about that. What I want to talk about is during all this and as I was doing research trying to find out what was going on I encountered a lot of comments about how people were happy that these reaction channels were going away. Number 1, to express happiness at someone else’s misfortune is just immature, petty and in poor taste. Number 2, I know that a lot of people don’t like reaction channels but I’ve never been able to understand why they garner so much hate.

Mostly people say that they’re fakers and they only do it for the views. Not every single fucking reaction channel can possibly be fake. It’s a statistical impossibility. I’m sure there are those out there who have jumped on the bandwagon and aren’t really into kpop and are just doing it for the views. But that’s not all of them. And guess what? Pretty much every single fucking Youtuber on Youtube wants views. It’s the nature of the game. Saying they’re doing it for the views is a completely invalid complaint. I’ve seen reactioners that start by yes, jumping on that Kpop bandwagon, usually with BTS, and sure they’re doing it because it’s popular and they want people to visit their channel. But I’ve also seen those reactioners actually enjoy what they’re watching and genuinely become fans and branch out into the Kpop music world. Sure, not all of them. But so what? If you don’t like it, don’t watch it.

Also I’m going to explain the basic appeal of Kpop reaction videos- or any music reaction video really- since some people don’t seem to get it. I love watching people discover something that I’m a fan of and enjoy it like I do. I love watching them get excited about the same things that I get excited about. And I love it when they point out things I didn’t notice and bring their own perspective into it. I love it when they introduce me to new groups or new songs that I might otherwise never try. I don’t know a lot of people in real life who are into Kpop so for me, this is a way to share my enthusiasm for it with other people.

And I’m going to explain something else that people don’t seem to get. There’s a lot of theatricality to reaction videos and I think that’s why so many people call them fakers. There’s a reason they’re reactions seem over the top. Number 1, no one wants to watch a reaction where the reactioner is like “Hm, very nice.” They want to see people get as worked up as they do about Kpop. Because you can’t tell me that Kpop fans don’t get fucking worked up and over the top excited about the genre. It’s completely natural to see that in reactioners too. Number 2, there’s a ton of people on Youtube who are into showmanship. Again, it’s the nature of the beast. It’s entertainment. So to say that someone is fake because they’re reaction seems over the top is bullshit.

I tried being careful and strategic. I spent 8 hours a day on my couch, dreaming, planning, avoiding, and accumulating debt.

So fuck the strategy. Until I cure my ADHD I'll lean into the chaos because if I don't then all I can do is sit very still, afraid to move in case the universe notices me.

I'm sick of this but it's the best I've got.

example- there’s this email I really need to send out, but don’t want to because I hate emails and emails are the worst. Additionally, there’s this show that I really really want to watch instead of sending said email.

Ideally! I would tell myself “ok look: the sooner you can send that email, the sooner you can watch that show. Send that email, and you get to watch that show.” Reward system, right?

Six months seems like it’s forever away. I want it to be August. I’m going to be debt free by August. And I want it to be here now. I can’t make money any faster.