#ragefree

Though she swore it wasn’t my fault, Emma quit her job at the Rooster Teeth office. She said that she’d gotten an offer she couldn’t refuse elsewhere. She apologized a million times to Geoff who'd gotten her the job and to Burnie who hired her. Of course, they weren’t upset, just sorry to see her go. So was everyone else. I felt like a monster. Every time I think back to that day, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. It’s been four months, but I still I can’t believe I had acted like that. I tried saying sorry to Gavin, he just shrugs whenever I do. I can’t get through to him. He wouldn’t talk to me unless he had to...and I don’t blame him. I didn’t even want to come to work anymore, being right next to Gavin, but feeling so far was just tearing me apart inside. The emotion was hard to put a name on, and pulled all my strings inside taut. I knew it wouldn’t be long until one day they all just snapped. 

Lindsay has been doing small gestures in the mornings to make me feel better. I find it hard to tell her how much I appreciate it. This morning for example, she woke me up with a shower of kisses, her lips kiss me everywhere as she sings cheerfully to me.

“Wake up, wake up! Baby! It’s a new day! Out of the bed!” She squeals. I can’t help but smile. 

“Get off of me, let me sleep.” I roll over onto my stomach. She sits on my bottom, kissing down my spine, I moan slightly. 

“Up, then let’s get coffee and go to work. I would make some but since the fall season is almost over, I want to get the last of the pumpkin spice lattes at the cafe.” She pats my butt as she gets up. 

“Don't they usually keep the pumpkin spice until January.” I pull the blanket over my head.

“Excuse me, but when you think pumpkin, Halloween comes to mind. I want to get my last fill of the pumpkin.” She walks across the room.

“Fine.” I sit up. I’d be lying if the first thing I thought about as I rose into a seated position wasn’t Gavin. I shudder recalling the times I’d been close to him like I as with Lindsay. Mornings with him were always special too. I hear Lindsay begin to hum and my eyes travel to her. I watch as she peels her clothing from her body to prepare for a shower. Her soft curves are enough to send my head spinning. I groan and I lay back down in bed closing my eyes conflicted with mixed emotions. 

“Lazy, lazy boy. Lay there all you want, but we’re going to leave as soon as I’m out the shower and dressed.” She points at me before entering the bathroom, closing the door behind her. I roll onto my side, staring at the wall, wondering what today in the office might be like.

Arriving at the Rooster Teeth Headquarters with warm drinks in our hands, we enter the building. I grip mine tighter as I stand in the lobby with Lindsay. She notices how tense I am and I can feel her sympathetic gaze on me. She wraps one arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder. “I love you.” She says. I know this can’t be easy for her to deal with, me being so distant and gloomy. I place my free hand on her shoulder, bringing her to me for a kiss. Her lips are warm and very sweet. My heart beats quickly, butterflies create a cyclone in my stomach. She pulls back, smiling. I smile back. Pleased with my genuine smile, she disappears to her part of the building, and I turn to face mine. 

I stare at the door to the Achievement Hunter office. Air feels like it’s leaving my lungs far more frequently that it’s entering. I can hear their voices inside. Gavin is laughing. Not just his normal laughter, but the one that squeaks like the water spigot of a garden hose. He used to laugh like that when we talked together. I can’t enter the room, I know as soon as I do, his laughter will stop and the whole office will go horribly quiet. I take a few deep cleansing breaths. I have to enter the office and get to work. I can’t just stand here all day. Besides, I need to get so many edits underway. After I muster up enough courage, I open the door, all heads turn towards me. 

“Morning.” I nod at the present Achievement Hunters. 

“Hey!” Ray greets me cheerfully. Jack smiles then his eyes quickly flicker to Gavin. Gavin had been turning away went I enter the room, but today he’s looking at me. He studies me with intrigued green eyes. I feel self conscious and I rush to my desk to throw on my headphones and pretend Gavin wasn’t there. Though, even with them on, I could still feel his eyes on me. Why is he even looking at me? I liked it better when he would ignore me, it gave me the ability to ignore him. I make the mistake of cutting a quick glance at him. We make eye contact and I feel like sucking all of my limbs inside me the way turtles do with their shells. We stare at each other for a long while. I can’t hear it, but I see his lips form my name, so I remove my headphones. 

“Yeah?” My heart doesn’t feel like it’s beating, but even if it isn’t, Gavin was talking to me and that’s all that mattered.

“I wanted to know if you could do me a favor.” He pivots in his chair a bit.

“Ok?” 

“I’m going to be gone, for a while.” He sighs. “And-”

“Why?” I cut him off. Was he leaving because of me?

“Just reasons. I’m going back to the UK for a bit.” He looks up at me. 

“What do you need?” I raise an eyebrow. He smiles. I feel like running outside and screaming to the world that Gavin is smiling at me. I can’t believe I used to take it for granted, something so beautiful like this. 

“Well, I was just thinking back to...the day everything went to shit. I remember I told you that the four of us could be friends and...I’ve just been treating you like absolute rubbish. Ignoring you and actually enjoying the fact that it clearly upset you. It has been disgusting, disturbing, absolutely awful and I’m so sorry.” Gavin apologizes openly, the other two men in the office are clearly hearing everything. 

“Gav, it’s understandable why you would’ve done that. I would’ve.” I’m gleeful with the fact that it appears Gavin and I are making up.

“Oh! Michael!” Gavin walks over to me, I rise automatically. He wraps his arms around me and I find myself surrounded by his warmth. 

“Anything for you, Gavin.” I close my eyes in his embrace. 

“I’m so happy, Michael.” He pulls back to look at me. “So if I ask you to drop me off at the airport you’ll do it? I want the last person I see before I leave to be you.”

“Of course.” I grin. “Well, I’m going to go grab a drink, you want anything?” 

“Nah.” He shakes his head before sitting back in his chair. 

“Ok.” I leave the office with a big grin on my face. In the staff kitchen I find Geoff, stirring a mountain of sugar into his coffee. “Want some coffee with your sugar, Geoffrey?” I tease. He studies me. 

“You’re in a good mood.” He comments.

“Yeah, Gavin and I finally made up.”

“So you’re not mad then?” 

“About him leaving for a bit? It sounded like personal things so I wasn’t going to force him to tell me. The last thing I want to do is make him upset after making up with him, ya know.”

“Ok, look.” Geoff places his coffee on the counter before turning to me. “I don’t want you thinking that everything is fucking cake and ice cream right now, because for you it’s not. Gavin’s going to the UK, to introduce Emma to his family.” Geoff raises an eyebrow waiting for me to respond, when I don’t he continues. “They’re going to be gone for six months. Gavin has bought her a ring.” My heart contracted in my chest. “After his family gets to know her, and they give him their blessing, he’s going to propose at the end of the trip.” 

“O-oh. Well that’s fine.” I take a step away from Geoff.

“Sit down.” He pulls a chair out from the table.

“No, I-”

“Sit the fuck down. I’m not done.” He pulls my arm and sits me down. “I’m going to be really fucking frank with you, because the whole atmosphere of the office has been fucked ever since that day and I can’t take it.”

Geoff I-”

“No, you listen to me. If I were you, I’d honestly try to convince Gavin of how much you love him and want be with him, because it’s obvious that your feelings towards him are much stronger than your feelings towards Lindsay. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be this fucked up about all of this. If I’m wrong, which I doubt, then you go into that office and be happy for your best friend. Don’t even be sad about it. Because I’m tired of walking on eggshells in my own damn office and in my own damn house with Gavin.” Geoff folds his arms. 

“Sorry Geoff.” I don’t make eye contact with him, but I can tell he’s not looking at me anymore, but over my head. I look over my shoulder to see Lindsay standing there. My face goes red and I stand up. “Hey honey!” I run over to her and hug her. She pats my back.

“Hey, babe.” She responds before stepping away from me. 

“How long were you-”

“I’m just gonna put this muffin in the toaster oven. That kinda rhymed muffin, oven.” She shrugs away from me and hurries to the fridge for some butter. Geoff glances at the two of us before heading out of the kitchen. I feel like begging him to stay, worried that she might have heard what he and I were talking about. Maybe he could make up a quick cover up story, but he quickly vanished. It is silent. Had she heard us or not? Either way, I’m out of here before we can talk about it. If she brings it up later at home, then I’ll know she has heard, but if not I’m in the clear. 

“I’m going back into the office, can I have a kiss?” I try to lighten the mood, convincing myself that I’m just being paranoid. 

“You don’t have to ask silly! I am your fiancee.” She says the last bit with a little force. I’m taken aback by it. She giggles, letting me know she’s just messing with me. I pull a laugh out of myself from somewhere and kiss her lips quickly. “Have fun at work.”

“You too.” I run from the kitchen. 

For the entirety of the two weeks before Gavin had to leave, I pasted a smile on my face, just for Gavin. I took Geoff’s advice and decided to just be happy for him. I absorbed my life with him, studying everything he did and making sure he was happy. It was exhausting. In the morning, I’d have to mentally prepare myself for the office so I would be ready to smile for Gavin. After smiling all day at the office, as soon as I’d return to my apartment, I would lay down on the couch or bed and just stare off into space. Lindsay would always be there for me though, I was so grateful for that. She would lay behind me and stroke my hair, talking to me about her day. At the beginning of the second week, sex became a constant form of comfort to me. As Lindsay and I entered our apartment, we would undress each other and have sex immediately, and many times in a row, as much as our bodies would allow. 

At the end of the two weeks, the day I had to drive Gavin to the airport, I woke up to find Lindsay sitting up in bed already, completely naked, the early morning orange sun bathing her in warm light. I grumbled into a sitting position. 

“Morning, hun.” I rose to my feet, grabbing my shirt from the floor and wrestling it over my head. Lindsay didn’t respond right away, he eyes focused out the window. 

“There’s a storm coming.” She whispered. After I shimmied on my jeans, I crawled on my hands and knees across the bed to her side, kissing her shoulder blades, her neck and her cheek. I looked over her shoulder out the window, squinting against the sun. I looked into the orange sky. 

“What are you talking about? Lindsay, it’s sunny as fuck, there aren’t even any clouds. Don’t worry.” I kissed her lips before slipping on my shoes. “See you soon.” I offered her a smile and then left. 

On the drive over to the Ramsey’s I tried not to think about what was about to happen, but instead what Geoff said, because he was right. I can’t limbo anymore, I have to pick a side, am I happy for Gavin or aren’t I? I have Lindsay, and now he had Emma, therefor, neither of us are alone anymore. So...I should be happy, right? Right. I am happy for him. 

I pulled into the driveway, Gavin was already sitting on the front steps with his luggage. Geoff and Griffon are sitting on the porch swing with Millie between them. I unbuckled my seatbelt, Gavin and Geoff rose to their feet. I could feel Geoff’s eyes on me as I approached the porch. 

“Good morning, Michael.” Griffon greeted me first. I waved. 

“Morning.” I smiled at her then turned to Gavin. “You ready, asshole?” I nudged him with a teasing smile. His green eyes were a little sad, but very happy in expression. He nodded. 

“Yes, Michael.” He wrapped his arms around me tightly. I felt like the damn inside me had a small crack in it, letting tears burn my eyes, I fought them with everything I had. “Good.” I hugged him back, closing my eyes. I lost track of how long the hug was, but when I opened my eyes, I was almost face to face with Geoff who was stood behind Gavin. My breath hitched in my throat. 

“Thanks for taking our little Gav to the airport for us, we couldn’t do it.” Geoff says, not losing eye contact with me, probably trying to read how I was feeling. 

“No problem.” I kept eye contact with him. 

“Well,” Gavin moved from between Geoff and I, picking up his two large bags. “Open your trunk will you, Michael?” Gavin asked, I rose my keys, clicking the trunk button for him. Griffon picked up Millie, who’d fallen asleep during the wait for Gav to leave. Griffon carried the sleeping girl as she walked down from porch to the rest of us. After Gavin put his bags in the trunk, he moved to Griffon and hugged her. Griffon had tears in her eyes as she kissed his forehead. 

“Griffon, I’ll be back before you know it, less than a bloody year’s worth of time.” Gavin chuckled. 

“I know, but when you come back, so much will have changed.” She smiled softly. “You’ll have so many things to tell us, new experiences. I just feel like I’m losing you for a while.” She shrugged. 

“I know, I feel the same. But we have Skype and Twitter and all, I’ll be updating everything. You won’t miss much.” Gavin replied then bent forward to kiss Millie’s head. The Brit turned to Geoff and hugged him. Geoff hugged him tightly in a fatherly manner. 

“Don’t do anything stupid, no crazy Euro drugs, and tell your folks I say hello.” Geoff murmured before letting him go.

“You know it Geoff.” Gavin nodded, his eyes quickly moving to me. At this point, I felt a large amount of pressure in my chest. I could taste blood from chewing my lip so hard. He took a deep breath. “Well, are we all set then?” Gavin asked me. I nodded. 

“Come home soon.” Griffon waved to Gavin as we got in the car. 

“By Mom and Dad.” Gavin joked before closing his door. Once my car door closed as well, it was like Gavin and I were suddenly sealed in our own little realm of silence in the calm Texas morning as our drive began. 

In the silence of the car, I could hear Gavin lightly humming and patting his legs with his right hand. It was times like these that I would’ve been holding Gavin’s hand as we drove. Out of habit, it seems Gavin has his left-hand palm upwards, fingers slightly separated for me to lace mine with his. I wondered if I held his hand, if he would pull away. If he didn’t, what it would’ve meant? 

“There aren’t many cars out.” Gavin observed. 

“Yeah. Everyone else wants to fucking sleep.” I laughed, he did too. Turning his head to me. 

“Are you going to miss me while I’m gone?” He asked casually. I swallowed.

“Well...yeah, of course. You’re my best friend.” I laughed. 

“True, I’ll miss you too.” Gavin sighed, as he looked up at the red light that wasn’t changing anytime soon. “There’s no cars, I wish we could just bloody go.”

“I know, but then I’d get a fucking ticket when we could’ve just waited two more god damn minutes.”

“Michael.” Gavin leaned his head to the side and laughed. 

“It’s true.” 

“Yeah.”

“Yup.” I looked up at the ceiling of the car. “Hey, tell me something?” 

“Anything, you donut.” 

“If I am indeed your best friend, why didn’t you tell me that you were going to get married?” 

“What?” Gavin replied a bit too quickly. 

“Well, Geoff said-”

“Light’s green.” Gavin pointed. I pressed my foot to the gas, the car lurched forward.

“Why?” I asked again. 

“I dunno, I just thought-”

“Were you not going to invite me or something?”

“Michael! Of course I was going to invite you, I just didn’t know if you’d want to-”

“I want to fucking attend your wedding, Gavin.” I cut him off. 

“Really?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” I turned at the next light, jumping onto the ramp that heads towards the airport.

“Because, I know you’re not happy about it. I was going to put off telling you about it until I came back. That way the engagement would be done with and you couldn’t change my mind.” Gavin explained, though his voice got quiet towards the end.

“You think I would’ve tried to stop you?”

“Yeah. I already know what would’ve bloody happened.” Gavin laughed spitefully. “You would’ve said all of these lovely words, lovely words that wouldn’t mean absolute shit. Want to know why? Because after you’ve sobbed about it, accused me of abusing and neglected your feelings, I would’ve left Emma.” 

“Gav-”

“And then, the best part of this bloody mess, if I do say so myself...is after I would’ve been alone with no one, still wanting you...you would still stay with Lindsay.” Gavin was quiet for a moment. “You would still be with Lindsay, after I once again gave up everything just to be with you.” His voice began to shake. “I’d just be alone and looking foolish, again, Michael.” Gavin gripped the seat belt. His words cut through me like blades. I tried to focus on the road, but all I wanted was to close my eyes and try to will myself to spontaneously combust. Gavin finally let go of the safety belt and sat up a bit taller. “That’s why I got into this so quickly. I’ve tried to replace you before, ya know? But that’s damn near impossible.” He chuckled sadly. “But Emma, she’s different. She’s nothing like you, and I think that’s why I’m so fond of her. I need to get away from you, Michael. In order to go through with this. I’m going to the UK for a bit, she’ll meet me there next week and you won’t be there. Out of sight, out of mind.” Gavin grinned another spiteful grin. “I really like her, Michael. Nothing like how I feel towards you, but she’s great company. She’s intelligent, open and honest. Beautiful. I think this will be good for me. Because even though, I’ll never have you. I’ll have someone who really cares about me, and someone who makes me feel like I’m not alone.” Gavin turned his head to look out the window. Silence overtakes us again and I literally have nothing to say. Everything that Gavin has just said is busy eating away at the taught strings inside of me, breaking down the dam that lives inside, but I hold it together. The rest of the ride to the airport is done in silence. 

When we arrive, Gavin hops out the car almost abruptly. I’m not even sure the car had completely stopped yet. I turn the car off and open the trunk for Gavin. I sit in my seat as I listen to him grabbing his bags from the back, and the trunk shut. He returns to the passenger door. The Brit knocked on the window, and signaled for me to get out of the car. I did so slowly. I got out, and moved over to his side of the car. He dropped the bags to the ground and he wrapped his arms around me forcefully. 

“Michael, please understand. All of those things I said are true. It’s all true, but...I’m not doing this to hurt you Michael. I’m really not. I’m just trying to protect myself, I don’t want to be hurt again. Don’t you understand that all I want is you? And I know, Michael. I know. I won’t have you, ever. It’s just not what is going to happen. It’d be foolish for me to wait for you to leave Lindsay. If you wanted to be with me, 100%, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” He pulled back from the hug to look me in the eyes. “I love you, ok?” He asked. I nodded, still stunned silent from before. “Good.” He smiled, light in his eyes. “That’s all I have to know. That you love me, and I love you. That’s all that matters. Maybe in the next life we’ll be together, but things happen for a reason, right? So that means that things might also not happen for a reason. I don’t know, blah blah blah.” He said as he picked up his bags. “Well, I’m off.” He grinned, I picked up my eyes and made eye contact with him. “Goodbye, Michael.” 

“Bye, Gavin.” I answer, stepping forward and connecting our lips in a soft kiss. He froze under my touch. His lips didn’t respond, and I don’t know why I did it, but I kissed him. Long and motionless. His arms relaxed dangling at his sides, weighed down by his luggage. He grunted and took a step back. 

“Uh, Michael.” He looked down. 

“Go catch your plane.” I turned and walked away, leaving him standing there. 

The drive home was a blur, I don’t even remember taking my foot off the gas. My hands are wet with sweat and the wheel slipped through my hands as I turned sharp corners. I just wanted to get home. I just wanted to get home. I let muscle memory lead me home, while my brain shut down. I felt nauseous, and my face was wet, I knew I was crying. 

When I finally arrived in the parking lot, I removed my body from the car, slamming the door shut. I hiked up the stairs to my apartment and pushed through the door bumping into a soft wall. Lindsay was standing in front of me, her eyes apologetic. “Come sit down.” She opened her arms to me, my legs turned to jello and I collapsed in her arms, sobbing. She offered soothing words to me as she pulled me onto the couch with her. Her breasts as my pillow, I found comfort in her softness. I cried until nothing more could come out of me, then it was quiet. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep to silence all the screaming storms in my head. Maybe that’s what Lindsay meant.

“Preheat the oven.” Michael read as he leaned his weight against the counter reading over the recipe. 

“To what?” Gavin fiddled with the buttons. 

“400 degrees.” 

“Celsius or Fahrenheit?” Gavin turned to look at his boyfriend, his eyes huge. Michael turns to the Brit frowning. 

“This is fucking America, Gavin. Get your shit together and welcome to Ah-Mur-ica.” Michael teased. Gavin rolled his eyes and punched in 400 degrees on the stove. “Now what, Michael?” 

“Now, come kiss me.” Michael grins. 

“That’s not in the instructions, and we don’t have time. We have to be at the Ramsey’s by 5pm and it’s already 2pm. I don’t want to be late. Stop faffing about.” Gavin folded his arms, Michael poked out his bottom lip in response. 

“Sorry, Gavvy-Wavvy.” Michael put on his cute voice. Gavin sighed. 

“Really, Michael?”

“I just wanted to kiss my beautiful Gavin Free. I didn’t know I was a monster.” 

“Michael, honestly-”

“Looks like I won’t be getting any kisses today, and not ever again.” Michael turns away from Gavin dramatically. 

“Gosh, you’re a prick.” Gavin crosses the kitchen and stands behind Michael, wrapping his arms around the redhead from behind. Gavin’s lips touch the soft skin at the back of Michael’s neck. Michael’s lips part and he leans back against Gavin. “What’s next?” Gavin whispers, getting back on topic. 

“Ummmm. Did you unfold the pastry dough?” Michael turns around to face him while Gavin still held him close. 

“Yes.” 

“Ok, well once the dough is spread on the baking sheet, you put in with the fruit filling.” Michael instructs and Gavin nods. Gavin scoops the cherry filling into the dough, some of it smearing onto his pointer finger. 

“Here.” Gavin raises his finger to Michael’s lips. “Tell me how it tastes.” 

“Gladly.” Michael opened his mouth, taking Gavin’s finger between his lips and sucking the sweetness from his skin. Gavin bites his lip as Michael continues. Once Michael is done, he looks up at Gavin. “It’s tastes good. But not as good as your lips.” 

“Well, good? I guess.” Gavin laughs. “Now, we seal it with the egg wash, right?”

“Yup.” Michael nods watching Gavin seal up the pastry, pressing the ends down with a fork, leaving beautiful creases. “Lovely job, Gavvers.” 

“You approve?” 

“I do.” Michael wraps his arms around Gavin’s neck.

“Bloody hell, Michael. Will we ever get this pastry in the oven?” Gavin asks, slightly annoyed. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Michael looks down, honestly a bit sad this time. 

“No, I’m sorry.” Gavin sighs. 

“Is something wrong? Why don’t you want to be close?” Michael’s soft brown eyes look up into Gavin’s. Gavin turns away to place the pastry into the oven and he set the timer. “Gavin, talk to me.” Gavin shrugs his shoulders. 

“It’s nothing.” 

“Gavin, fucking talk to me! We’re in a relationship! We’re not in fucking bullshit land anymore! You need to communicate with me. You don’t know how I feel right now do you? Of course not, because we’re not communicating. I feel hurt right now to be honest. I feel a little rejected. I’ve been holding in my love for you, for so fucking long Gavin. Now that we’re finally together, and have been for almost six months now, I’m so happy. All I want is to finally be able to express my love towards you everyday, and just be close. I understand that right now you need your space, I get it. But at least fucking tell me why.” Michael admits full heartedly. After saying those things to Gavin, they’re both quiet. Michael scratches his arm nervously. “I love you.” Michael adds, shrugging, not knowing what to say to get Gavin to respond. Gavin’s mouth opens like he might say something, but he doesn’t. He turns away from Michael. Michael feels vulnerable and exposed to Gavin, having shared his feelings and getting nothing in return. Michael doesn’t feel safe, he feels like Gavin could take this opportunity to hurt him. 

“How long does this thing bake for? I put the timer for thirty minutes, I think that’s what I remember you saying yesterday when we read over the recipe.” Gavin turns the conversation back to the pastry.

“Fuck it, Gavin. I don’t care if the shit blows the fuck up! Talk to me! What is bothering you?” Michael walks over to Gavin, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face to his boyfriend’s chest. “Please, talk to me.” Gavin looks down at the redhead. He knows sharing his feelings isn’t easy for Michael to do. 

“I’m sorry.” Gavin kisses the top of Michael’s head. 

“It’s ok.” Michael hugs Gavin tighter. 

“It’s not. You’re being open with me and I’m just pushing it away. I didn’t mean to be that way. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“What’s wrong?” Michael turns his head up to look at Gavin’s face. 

“I’m just scared.” Gavin doesn’t look at Michael. 

“Of?” 

“What’s happening.” 

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.” Michael’s brow furrows in confusion.

“This relationship.” 

“You’re afraid of me?” Michael chokes. 

“No I-”

“You think I’m going to fucking hurt you? Lie to you? Cheat?” 

“Well, not exactly.” Gavin tries to find the words to explain. 

“I’m not going to do any of those things, Gavin. When we first became friends, all I wanted was to make you smile and laugh. I wanted to hear everything you had to say, I loved your voice and I always cared about what you had to say. Gavin, still to this day, the only thing I want is your happiness and to share it with you.” Michael reaches his hand up to the back of Gavin’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss. Gavin’s lips meet his. The kiss is short, but very meaningful to Gavin. 

“I’m just so afraid that somewhere down the line, you’re going to think less of me and leave me. I’m not the smartest, or the bravest, or most attractive. I just feel so wrong for you sometimes.” Gavin touches Michael’s face, Michael then presses his lips into Gavin’s palm. 

“You’re perfect for me. You understand me. You know the difference between me being angry, and me just yelling because I’m a little shit. You know when I just need a hug to make it through the day. You know what it means when I’m silent. When I’m close to you, everything is right with the world. Do you know how I feel when I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I see is you? I feel so complete.” Michael turns his head to place a kiss in the center of Gavin’s hand again. Gavin’s eyes are getting teary, so are Michaels. “Just please understand that I love you, and I’m not going anywhere?” Michael pleads, not knowing what else to say to comfort him. Gavin smiles. 

“I love you too, Michael. I understand. Thank you. I know I am safe with you, sometimes I just get scared.”

“Well, don’t.” Michael smiles up at Gavin before crossing the kitchen to the window and he peers out. “This is our first Thanksgiving together, well...as a couple and it’s snowing. Since when does it fucking snow in Texas?” He frowns. Gavin walks up behind him to view the gently falling flakes. Michael sighs. “I don’t even remember where I left the stupid window scraper for the car. I never have to use the thing down here.”

“We’ll find it.” Gavin assures him, reaching to hold his hand, Michael laces their fingers. Almost as soon as their hands are joined, the timer goes off. 

“I’ll get it.” Michael runs to the oven, opening it. The warm scent of cherries fills the air, Gavin wants to dig into it now. Michael looks up noticing Gavin’s hungry expression. “No, it has to cool first. Besides, this is for everyone so we have to keep it whole until the dinner.” 

“Aw.” Gavin pouts. “Bloody Americans and their fancy Thanksgiving rules. I want something sweet now.”

“How about we go to the bedroom for a bit?” Michael bites his lip, giving Gavin a sultry look. The Brit’s face turns rouge. 

“Michael...” He giggles. 

“Come on, Gav.” Michael takes his hand and leads him down the hall to their bedroom. Gavin presses Michael’s back to the wall and kisses him hungrily. 

Michael gave a full hearted laugh at the story I was telling, which made me feel good. I liked making Michael happy.

"I'm bloody serious, it was mental." I reached into the fridge to grab another bev. 

"Hey." He says as he takes his drink from his lips. "How many have you had?" 

"What? Why?" 

"Because I don't want you completely wasted." Michael frowns.

"I'm just a little buzzed, officer." I roll my eyes in his direction.

"Stay that way, just for a little bit longer. I want to talk to you." Michael says as he sinks into his couch. "After that I don't fucking give a shit." I sigh and set down my drink then come sit next to Michael. He looks at me and gives me a small smile. I smile back. As soon as I do, a hard punch is delivered to my arm. 

"OW! What the hell was that bloody for?" I rub my arm and frown. Michael looks a little flustered and he sputters syllables. 

“I just....you...well...”

"Michael?" I ask concerned. Soon, I can see tears coming to his eyes, this is when I know whatever is bothering him, is very serious. "Michael." I say again and I wrap my arms around him. He pulls himself away and he starts to hit me repeatedly. Not hard like before, but he's swinging rapidly. I put my hands on his shoulders and he struggles to reach me. 

“Michael, please! Stop! What is wrong with you?” He finally stops, breathing hard, tears still falling. He let's out a fierce yell, holding it out as long as he can before his lungs are empty. It’s quiet now besides his heavy breathing. I wait a moment before talking again. 

“Better?” I search his face for a clue of how he may be feeling. His brow furrows as he looks into my eyes. 

"What am I doing, Gavin?" He says, his voice cracks when he says my name. 

"You mean like a minute ago? Pummeling me." I answer. 

"No, I mean...I'm getting married. I'm so scared." He says and leans back against the couch. 

"You're supposed to be scared. I think that means you care." I run my hand through his curls. "I remember when you used to be the one telling me not to be afraid."

"You don't have anything to fear." Michael scoffs and turns away from me. 

"What if I never get married?" I say kind of quietly. He turns to me wiping his eyes. He laughs. 

"Gavin, you're beautiful, caring, and loyal. You'll get married when you stop being a dumb shit and let someone get close to you." 

"You're close to me." I shrug. "Good enough."

"Yeah, well I'm getting married to Lindsay, if you wanted to marry me you should have made it more clear before now." Michael joked but somewhere deep inside me, it hurt. I laughed it off. 

"Well hey, tell ya what. We'll get married now." I sit up taller and hold my hands out to Michael. He takes mine and raises an eyebrow. 

"What?"

"You be Lindsay, and I be Michael." 

"But I really am Michael, why can't I be myself?" He's laughing again. 

"This is the only time in my life that I'm going to have an adorable dimpled face and curly red hair, let me have my moment, ya pleb." I hold his hands tighter. He rolls his eyes. 

"Ok, Lindsay." He says sarcastically. I bat my eyelashes at him, trying my best to pull off a cheesy female persona. "Jesus..."

"Wait, I'm Michael." I protest.

"THIS IS FUCKING STUPID AND CONFUSING!" He removes his hands from mine. 

"I'm sorry!" I laugh hard as he starts yelling. 

"I'll just be Michael, you'll be Gavin." He says. I nod and we rejoin hands again. "Gavin?" He looks into my eyes. 

"Yes?" 

"Will you marry me?" Michael asks in a serious tone, the way he would if he were actually asking me. I become flustered.

"Why?" I ask. He frowns. 

"WHY? FUCKING WHY? BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO, THAT'S FUCKING WHY!" He folds his arms. 

"Ok, ok, ok." I take his hands again. They're warm and soft against mine. 

"Why'd you ask me why?" He asks as he scoots closer to me. 

"Because, I was just curious." I shrug. 

"Ok, well, Gavin. If I had to pick a reason for why I'd marry you...it'd be because you're my best friend. I can tell you anything. You take care of me when I'm sick, or drunk. You understand what I'm trying to say even if I'm not saying anything, and you're always by my side. That, I can always count on. So, will you please marry me?" He blushes and looks down.

"And there are your vows, and beautiful vows they were." I nod, he smirks at me. 

"You bitch." 

"Yes, Michael I'll marry you. But I'll tell you why I'll marry you first." 

"Ok." His smirk turns into an honest smile. 

"Michael Vincent Jones, I'd marry you. I'd marry you every day of my life. Because...when I look at you, I don't feel like I'm miles away from the UK and in a completely different place. I don't feel like I'm alone. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I feel like you understand me, even when I'm not making sense. I feel like you truly care about me. And out of all the people you could've chosen from, you chose me to trust. I want to marry you because you protect me. When I'm in danger of being hurt, or when the guys at work have teased me to the point where I truly feel like shit, you back me up and make me feel so alive. That's why Michael, you make me feel alive, and I want to feel that everyday I wake up to you." I say, Michael's lips part as if he'd respond something, but no words come out. "Too much?" I ask. He shakes his head and smiles. 

"Hurry up and marry me." Michael says and squeezes my hands. 

"Michael Jones do you take Gavin Free to be your lawfully wedded husband?" I ask. 

"I do." He nods. "Gavin Free, do you take Michael Jones to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." I laugh, my heart is going at a million beats per minute. "Oh, damn it. We don't have rings." Michael thinks for a minute and retrieves his diamond Minecraft necklace from inside his shirt. 

"Take out yours." He holds his in front of him. 

“You just assume I have mine on? What if I don’t?” I tease. He gives me a look like if I keep messing around, he might kill me. “Ok, ok.” I smile. I take my Minecraft Creeper necklace from inside my shirt He presses the two necklaces together and he holds them in place.

"Now kiss me."

"Michael!" I blush.

"Do you want to get married or not? I'm not saying we have to make out, but we have to seal the deal." He shrugs. 

I lean forward and touch my lips to Michael's gently. His lips respond and we move away from each other. He looks up into my eyes and I look into his. There are a few beats of silence between us before his arms wrap around my neck. I pull myself on top of him as we lay on the couch, never losing eye contact with him. As our lips meet again, our eyes close. Our lips part and his tongue moves against mine in a caressing motion. His hands reach up to hold my face. I feel so close to him. I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel...so happy. I begin to smile as Michael kisses me. He feels it because I feel him begin smiling, too. He pulls back. 

"You giddy little fuck." Michael look up at me. 

"I can't help it. You make me so happy." I say, but then I begin to feel a little guilty. 

"What's wrong?" Michael asks, I must be wearing the guilt on my face.

"I shouldn't have kissed you." I look down and I get from on top of Michael.

"I love you." He says, I almost jump when he says it. 

"What?" 

"Gavin, I love you." Michael crawls across the couch and this time he's on top of me. 

"I love you, too." I admit. He run his fingers through my hair.

"I love you, Gavin." Michael repeats as he kisses my ear, my collar bone. His lips find every inch of my neck and I get chills. The kisses send electricity throughout my body, my pulse quickens. I can begin to feel myself get turned on, my erection strains against my clothing. 

"Bloody hell." I say under my breath. Michael's head raises from my neck.

"What?" He asks. 

"I..." I blush and nod down to my pants. He looks down and then back up at me grinning. 

"Oh...um..."

"Sorry." I apologize as Michael sits up.

"No...well. It's apart of the wedding night?" He laughs as he runs his hand up my inner thigh, my cock pulses. 

"M-Michael." I bite my lip. 

"Shh..." He scoots himself off of the couch and kneels in front of me. 

"You really don't have to-"

"Shut up, Gavin. I want to." Michael reaches up to undo my belt. I don't say anything. I watch the focused look on his face. He unbuttons my jeans and pulls them to my ankles, then off entirely. "Gavin, I know there are million reasons that we shouldn't do this, but I really want to. I always have."

"Michael...I don't know why we didn't do this sooner."  

"I was afraid that you didn't love me too." Michael kisses my inner thigh before removing my boxers. His lips kiss the tip of my cock, his tongue running over it. I lean my head back and moan. His mouth opens and takes me inside him. 

"Mmm, Michael." I run my hands through his curls pulling gently. He reaches down to his pants and begins removing them along with his boxers in one motion. Michael then breaks away from my cock to remove his own shirt. I find myself staring at Michael's bare chest, Michael catches me admiring his body and he blushes. 

"Come on." He takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. He then shoves me on the bed playfully. My body falls and I feel a bit shy suddenly. "Gavin..." Michael says.

"Yeah?" I respond while my hand idly finds the length of my cock, stroking slowly. 

"I want you to fuck me." Michael says. 

"You mean...me on top?" I ask.

"Yeah." 

"But you've never done that before. I don’t want to hurt you..." 

"Gavin, I'll never have another chance to do this with you and I'll never fuck another man. I want you to be my first, and my last." Michael makes a serious face. “Besides, this isn’t ‘fucking’ Gavin. I want to make love to you, something slow and sweet. I trust you, you won’t hurt me. The pain will only last a moment, then it will just be perfect.” Michael’s words are powerful and rest their heavy weight in my chest. I smile up at him.

"Michael..." I gleam. 

"Shut the fuck up, don't turn this hot moment sappy, just tell me what to do." 

"Well, lay on the bed." I pat the space next to me. Michael jumps onto the bed and lays on his side. 

"Paint me like one of your French girls, Gav." Michael jokes. 

"And you're telling me not to kill the mood?" I tease. 

"Need lube?" Michael gets back on topic. 

" It's gonna help with the pain. Unless you want to cry and use your tears." I shrug.

"Haha, fuck you. Bedside table, in the drawer. The condoms are in there too." Michael points. I reach for the drawer. I unroll the condom onto my dick. Michael is still laying on his side, but is looking at me over his shoulder. "You look good, Gavin." Michael says, I smile. 

"You do, too. Bloody nice ass you've got there." I crawl onto the bed and with my lubed fingers, I press deep inside Michael. His ass is tight around my fingers. His body jolts forward away from me, but as he relaxes, his body shifts back closer.  

"Mmmmm..." Michael groans digging his fingers into the sheets. 

"Hurts?" I become a little concerned.  

"Keep going." The redhead responds. I move my fingers in and out of Michael, getting a response every time. Soon, Michael's groans sound more like desperate pleas. "Gavin, just fuck me already. Please." Michael begs. “I want you inside me so badly.”

"In good time." I respond, enjoying manually stimulating him, the control it gives me. If I move my fingers faster, his body spasms and his moans become rapid. The slower I move, the deeper his moans are, and his body moves slow with me. 

Suddenly, Michael moves himself away and lays on his back. 

"I want you on top of me. I want to see you." Michael says, looking up at me. “Can it work like this?” I move over and lays between his legs. Michael pulls me down for a kiss. 

“It’ll work just fine.” I murmur against his lips. I reach down to rub Michael slowly, he responds by gently biting my bottom lip. His body quivers as I stroke him a little faster. His hands move down and grabs my ass hard. My cock responds with a series of small pulses. 

“Shit.” I breathe. 

“Fuck me.” Michael begs. “Gavin, please.” 

“Do you want me?” I really want to hear him say it to me.

“Gavin...” Michael’s hips grind forward, thrusting his cock into my hand. 

“Do you?” 

“Yes.”

“Yes what?” 

“I want you, Gavin. Please.” He whispers, pushing his face into my neck. I move my hands onto either of Michael’s side, holding myself up above him. He reaches down taking my erection firmly in his hands, guiding me inside. His breath hitches in his throat the deeper he presses my in. I shudder at the sudden warmth, tightening around my dick. It was incredible, being one with Michael. The more I tried to be gentle, the more he begged me to give him full force. He kept eye contact with me as much as he could, this sent me chills. The soft warm eyes melting into me, looking at me, and me only. Once in a while, pain would cross his gorgeous face when my thrusts became harder, faster and I’d slow down. The pain fades and he reaches up to pull me in for a kiss, reassuring me it’s ok to continue, and our movements would become in sync again. His name leaves my lips as the friction becomes so great that I can feel the pressure of an orgasm build up within me. He moans my name as his body begins to shake beneath me. I reach down to rub his his cock, thick and swollen with a neglected erection. He bucks forward hard. 

“Gavin...Gavin...!” He quakes with the surge of an orgasm, releasing onto my stomach and his own. His moans become less frequent as his nails dig into my back. Finally, my orgasm takes me over as well. The points in my skin where each of Michael’s nails dig in is the final push that sends me over the edge. I moan his name with every large pulse that sends a spurt into Michael. He moans, reaching up to run his fingers through my hair. My motions slow and I collapse onto Michael. Our skin, sticky with heat, holds us close together. We took time to catch our breathe. “Damn...” Michael’s eyes looked up at the ceiling. I rest my chin on his chest, looking up at him. 

“Hm?” I ask, turning my head to yawn. 

“That was...” He didn’t finish the sentence, I didn't make him. I understood completely. I crawled backwards licking down Michael’s torso, lapping up his cum. “Shit.” He moans. “That feels good, Gavin.” His hands are in my hair again. Placing both hands on his thighs, I take his cock into my mouth. He did a sudden intake of air. I focused my tongue on the tip, licking it clean of his cum as well. “G-Gav...” He moaned. “Don’t.” He looks down at me. I smiled. 

“Too sensitive?” I ask, moving my way back up to him. 

“Yeah.” He nods wrapping his arms around me. “I feel...incredible right now.” His eyes wonder back up to the white ceiling again. 

“Me too.” 

“I don’t think I can do that, just once with you.” He bit his lip and held me tighter. 

“Maybe...maybe we don’t have to do it once.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“What if we go on a trip, and we have a little fling...?” I ask him.

“When the hell are we going to find time to do that?” 

“I’m going back to the UK for a little bit next month. Come with me.”

“Gav...”

“I’m serious.”

“I love you.” He kisses my lips gently.

“I love you, too. Come with me.” I whisper running my hand through his curls. His soft brown eyes look wary for a moment, then became full of excitement.