#radnormal adjacent

I would consider myself a rather empathetic person at times when it is counterproductive. Other times, I lack empathy yet know something to be wrong. My mental and emotional sides lately have demonstrated the fact that each can work against eachother, and this has mainly caused the issues I will be talking about in this post. I’m somewhat of a people pleaser as well, and always try to respect the beliefs of others even if they’re crossing a line. Often, I’ll think a belief or stance abhorrent, yet later come to think it not that bad even if my stances on nothing change whatsoever. This is what happened to me with the Radqueer label. Near all of their beliefs are crossing a line for me, and yet it still feels wrong to speak out against them like this. Though I’ve nothing to fear from the community, I simply don’t want any of them to see me negatively. I do not know why I have such a want. I suppose I have become too kind a person.

The reason as to why they have ruined my mental health is related to this. Of course, it is not the whole community that has, just a major part of it. For this explanation, you first need to know that I fall beneath the Radnormal umbrella.

Radqueers have been considering Radnormals to be hateful bigots who don’t bother with research or logic. Intellectually, I know this not to be true. A bigot is someone who hates due to a factor that a person cannot change. I am not a bigot, and the stances of the label are not bigoted. I always ensure to do much research before deciding on a stance regarding something, and will first piece together an argument for both sides using logic before siding with whichever one is most backed by it. Then, I will find as much support for either side (if it is a researchable topic) as possible to decide whether I was correct or not. Despite this process, however, I emotionally find myself agreeing with them. I feel like an ill-read bigot despite knowing I am not one. The reason I feel this way, I suspect, is because I am building my view of myself based on how others view me. And since they are saying this about all Radnormals, it applies to me, too. This would line up with how horrible my sense of self is, at the moment, along with my senses of time and reality (especially that of time is bad). By “horrible”, I mainly mean ill-defined, not negative.

When looking at the community, unlike most Radnormals, I do not hold a similar view towards them that they hold towards us. I just think them misled, often by either their own logic or other Radqueers. Even that is something I don’t feel the most comfortable saying due to the possibility of conflict. This nonconfrontational nature likely stems from the same place I suspect my DPDR to, that being the excessive bullying I suffered in school that went unchecked throughout each school I went to that it happened in. Specifically, most times I was defiant to those in the wrong, I was the one penalized instead. Thus, it makes sense I would want to avoid sparking conflict. This policy is only a good thing sometimes, and this matter is far from one of those, especially internally.