#qzai

mmmkay, gonna be a bit pedantic for a sec and confess that I’m never entirely sure what particular narrative/set of dynamics people are referring to with “enemies to lovers” as an apparently codified trope - like, people tend to get very prescriptive about what “counts” as “enemies to lovers” (i.e. claiming that the stakes of the story need to be super high - different stories have different scopes, people! two people don’t have to kill each other to count as “enemies”; or alternatively, on the anti side, acting as if a relationship is “just abuse” and doesn’t count as ETL for not being “healthy” enough), while also seemingly using it as some sort of catch-all for rivalshipping or villain/hero in general.

The second one in particular tends to frustrate me because the “x to y” framing implies a sort of linear progression, with the “lovers” bit as a naturalized end state, implying that the rivalry needs to be “overcome” to bring about a sort of amatonormative/sex-normative “happy ending”. And - probably obviously, to people who know me - that framework of expectations makes me extremely grouchy, even if the scenario itself isn’t inherently objectionable to me. That, on top of the fact that most “enemies to lovers” shipping manifestos that I’ve seen have never seemed intuitive to me, or have clearly been talking about a different set of tropes from what I’m drawn to, kind of suggests to me that I don’t like “enemies to lovers” as it’s generally defined.  

But, if you were asking about rivalshipping or villain/hero shipping in general, as I assume you probably were (given that you read my blog):

I think my favourite thing about that sort of trope is the singularity of connection that can arise from it. The idea that the person who is the most set against you, ideologically, or who has posed the biggest threat to you, is also the person who understands you the most, who sees you in a way that nobody else does, especially if you’ve always struggled with truly connecting with people. I like the idea of that person giving you a mirror to yourself, letting you see what you might have become under different circumstances - and I like the gratification in knowing you can do the same for them, that your existence provides them with a unique kind of insight that no other person can give them. I like the sort of control you can exert over someone through that dynamic, but the way in which you also in turn become vulnerable to them. And I like the way it indicates a particular kind of loneliness - that the person who has the most intimate handle on you is also the person who’s inherently separated from you in a fundamental way. 

Additionally, I listed on this post that one of my favourite relationship tropes involves “a years-ongoing, on-again off-again dynamic between people who know each other inside out (sometimes too well) and keep resurfacing for each other/seeking each other out at points of crisis,” and I think that’s the kind of dynamic I tend to prefer in rival ships. I like seeing people who have a unique understanding of each other, but who aren’t uncomplicatedly supportive of each other, make reappearances when one person is having a turning point, moment of crisis, paradigm shift, etc. Because that involves the one person having a presence that’s challenging to the other, that forces them to face things about themselves in a way that a gentle approach doesn’t, or doesn’t do so in as interesting a way for me. 

For an example (and they’re not one of my biggest ships, but I dig the potential in their dynamic) - that’s why I loved Kylo’s “you’re nothing - but not to me” line in TLJ. Because the context of the line was him forcing her to accept a truth that she’d been suppressing/refusing to acknowledge; not in a nice way, but in a way that was important to her character journey. And that kind of cruelty that results in necessary character development is something I like seeing and exploring. 

weird asks that say a lot

29. best way to bond with you?

Give me snacks/be chill about me eating snacks and let me yell about things and tell me how smart and/or right I am. Legit, I think that’s how I came to like the majority of the people I liked in high school and college. But in terms of strengthening a bond, go on adventures. I define adventures as going out, spending an amount of dollars, and finishing slightly more satisfied than you were before.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Scifi. I look a scifi class in high school and had a blast with that, although I kind of cheated by already being very familiar with several of the texts. My #1 favorite book is 1984. If anybody has a link to where I can rewatch Gattaca, send it my way!

I’ve never particularly liked fantasy, and I’ve only ever gotten into superheroes because of/within the MCU, so I don’t feel a draw to them otherwise.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“People will always hurt you, but it’s up to you to decide who’s worth suffering for,” maybe. That was my senior quote in my high school yearbook which I attribute to a really dear friend,but he paraphrased it from Bob Marley. It’s certainly true. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I used to attempt to live by “sustained mediocrity” as a strategic survival mode of operation. I reevaluated as life circumstances got better and it became “you can survive this” (@ me). Right now it’s probably a little more like “you’ll figure it out.”

Carys, I hope you don’t mind me saying that you’re one of my closest friends and I’m so, so lucky to have met you! I just want you to know that I think you’re so smart and I love hearing what you have to say! You make me want to venture into things I might otherwise not be interested in and keep an open mind! I love talking to you all the time you make me smile and I’m very happy that every day I get to say something to you! Your characterization is amazing and I love how you write and how thoughtful you can get!! You’re also a huge help with modding and events and brainstorming and one of my biggest cheerleaders and I am so so thankful for that!! You are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in my heart and Ily! <3

💌💌💌

Happy lovemail day!!

I hope you have a fantastic day filled with all your favorite things and all the best feelings. You are an amazing, intelligent, lovely person and I’m so glad to know you, as you are such an inspiration in so many ways.

As a writer, you have influenced and coached me and many others so much. I’ve learned a great deal about how to write and how to convey characterization just through chatting with you, you have such a talent.

All your stories are gorgeous works of art, I can’t say it enough but it’s all absolute genius material and I love literally every fic of yours I’ve ever read. You have such a special ability to really delve deep into whatever character or world you’ve created, and particularly into the space and feeling of that character during the moment you’ve chosen to show them in, and then convey that feeling and establish this hard-hitting connection between the character and the reader so artfully and flawlessly and you make it look easy! You have so many separate stories and verses and they all have their own flavor and unique flare, which makes reading all of your fic a total joy. You’re so committed to your writing as well, which is an incredibly hard-working and admirable quality, and it’s so cool and good!

As a person, you are so thoughtful and fun to talk with! You’re very kind to all of your friends, and always helpful; be it when someone needs to vent, or when they need to talk about an idea, or just to get a second opinion on a piece of writing, and your advice is always incredibly helpful and well said. This stuff really matters and is meaningful and makes you into the incredible, valuable friend and person you are!

Dazai, predictably, does not listen. He’s too small for the sight of blood to affect him as little as he does, so small he has to hop onto Q’s bed and walk to the corner to reach the shelf where they keep the first-aid kit. 

And then he hops down again, crossing over to them. There really is never a point to ordering him away, because he just comes back. 

Q knows he’s not stupid. Knows he can learn a lesson if he wants to. But this is one he’s exceptionally resistant to, no matter how many times Q tries to drill it into him. No matter how much he gets yelled at, or shoved into walls, or on one occasion left in a dark room for several hours. It doesn’t faze him in the least. 

That’s a lie. He cried for the first time in months when Q switched off the light after that thing with the room. But he came back the next day anyway, a pendulum that never swung the other way. 

He tugs their hands gently towards himself, silent as he retrieves water to wash the wounds and a napkin to dry them, silent as he dresses it. 

Even if they didn’t know that Mori trains Dazai in his spare time, they’d be unsurprised by the steadiness of his hands, his unflinching grace. It still hurts, of course - Dazai isn’t a painkiller - but pain Q can handle. The memory of what they did to earn it, and of Mori standing over them, is far more effective. The pain is something safe, something to retreat to when everything else becomes too much. 

Dazai seems to understand this better than most. At least, unlike Akutagawa, he’s never made the mistake of offering them a painkiller. 

They sigh when he’s done, and he shoves everything he just brought out towards the wall in favor of sitting down next to them and immediately listing into their side. 

“Don’t tell me you went through all of that for this,” Q mutters, moving away. He frowns at them, but they only stare back. “Go away,” Q says, for the last time and with a pointed shove in the direction of the door. 

This time around Dazai listens, pausing in the doorway to turn back, eyes pleading. Q hits him with their hardest, most unforgiving glare. 

Yumeno goes to Dazai when they have nightmares. Dazai’s apartment is always locked. Even when he isn’t in it. But Q knows to bang on it until Dazai opens it, usually disheveled from either sleep or another suicide attempt. 

This time, Chuuya opens the door. He gapes at Yumeno, before calling in “Oi, Dazai, your weird kid’s here for you.” 

Weird kid, Q mouths distastefully. 

Dazai shuffles out from somewhere inside the apartment. He’s wearing a shirt that’s the wrong size, hair messy and face a little flushed. “Hello, Q. Another nightmare?” 

Q nods, holding tightly to their doll and stepping past Chuuya without brushing near him. In any case, Chuuya steps back at once. 

Dazai bends down to lift them up, hauling them up surprisingly easily considering that Q is denser than they look and Dazai eats about as much as a small bird. Regardless, they bury their head in the crook of Dazai’s shoulder, trembling slightly. 

No matter how terrifying the dreams Q gives others are, the ones they never share are scarier still. They don’t dare name the monsters when awake, but Dazai has heard them scream the name of every one and held them through it. Dazai knows their names, and it doesn’t frighten him at all. “Because you’re a demon yourself,” Q said one night, and closed their eyes in order to not notice the fleeting sad smile that crossed his face. 

Chuuya is asking questions, demanding to know if this is a regular occurrence he should prepare for. Dazai answers them in the clipped, neat voice Q has come to associate with interrogations by Mori, and pats them clumsily on the arm.  “Sleep, baby,” Dazai murmurs to them, before turning his attention back.