#carysfics

“It’s not your fault,” Akechi said.

It had only taken them a year to reach this realization, Akira thought wryly. What he said was, “Finish your coffee.”

He needed the time to think.

They exited wordlessly—Akira flipped the sign behind himself—and struck out at random. Late night walks were not uncommon. They were both insomniacs in their own ways. Usually, though, Akechi was on the other end of a phone call.

“I don’t expect you to want this as much as I do,” Akira said carefully, as they turned onto the main road.

Akechi shook his head. “Don’t make this about something it isn’t.”

“Then what is it about?” Akira asked, keeping the gentleness out of his voice. Akechi sometimes parsed that as condescension, and bristled.

“I told you it’s not your fault. You did what you had to—”

This again. “So did you.”

“I did what I was made to do, in both senses. I did not have to. There’s a difference.”

“Not one worth noting. We’ve been over this.”

Akechi laughed shortly. “When have I ever been good at letting go?”

“If it’s not my fault, it’s their fault. The outcome remains the same.”

“It’s not about fault,” Akechi snapped. “I don’t trust that easily. I can’t.”

Akira stopped. They stood on the corner, Akechi’s shoulders tense and Akira’s hands stuffed in his pockets so he didn’t do something destructive, like pulling Akechi close and holding him until he broke.

He broke all too easily, these days. Brittle and bruised and still (Akira hoped) his to care for.

“I keep expecting that you’ll turn on me,” Akechi said. His hands were fists. Akira wanted to hold them. “I keep treating you like it.”

“You aren’t right now,” Akira pointed out.

Akechi stared at him. Akira shrugged. The past month had been less fights, more long silences broken by small talk over texts followed by longer silences.

“Are you even happy?” Akechi asked bitterly. “Waiting for someone who’ll never be ready?”

rating: m 

in which oda has tattoos 

“Are we really doing this?” Chuuya asked nervously. “I thought you were kidding.” The door didn’t look imposing in the least, but appearances could be deceptive. Chuuya knew this better than most people.

Dazai looked a little white too, but he shrugged like it didn’t matter. “Coward,” he sniped. “Side that saves people and all that.”

He knocked before Chuuya could stop him, and Chuuya bit the inside of his mouth and followed Dazai inside. The President was sitting behind a desk - old wood, laden with files and knick-knacks and a mug in the shape of a curled up cat. It was disgustingly cute but Chuuya wasn’t fooled. He let his eyes wander around the room while Dazai did the talking; knew he should be paying more attention but couldn’t focus on his future when there was a photo frame on the wall of the President and a small, black-haired boy with green eyes. They looked happy in that photo.

It made something hurt and bitter twist in Chuuya’s chest. They didn’t have a single photo of each other in the two years since they left. Had never even considered taking one together. Too much liability, too much chance one of them might leave it behind. There was only that worn, sepia-toned photo of Dazai’s old friend.

(That one they’d nearly burnt one night, when it was so cold Dazai’s eyes went eerily dead. Chuuya had found him standing on the balcony with Chuuya’s lighter in his hand and had dragged him back inside and forced him to his knees just so he wouldn’t do anything that stupid.

Because summers were full of running but winters turned Dazai’s head and withered him inside. And winters made Chuuya remember streets and faces he’d rather have left behind.

At least they had each other, for whatever that was worth.)

He tuned back in time to hear the President say, “Now that you’re here, I can give you a case immediately. There’s a warehouse down by the docks—”

“Hang on a second,” Chuuya interrupted loudly. “Together?”

“Well,” the President said. “Of course, one of our employees will be accompanying you because you’re new here.”

“No, I mean,” Chuuya said. “I mean. Together?” He gestured between himself and Dazai. “Because I am not working with this asshole ever again. Ever. Again. Okay?” It occurred to him too late that he was being overly harsh with the President, but the man’s lips twitched.

“I can assign you separately, if you’re prefer,” he suggested.

they don't get together for a WHILE because Kunikida thinks the emotion he's feeling is hatred and Dazai knows Kunikida hates him So Obviously It's Not Going Anywhere

wrong. shit goes pear-shaped and Kunikida gets hurt so bad he has to be taken to the hospital because Yosano's in Tokyo. Dazai hates hospitals more than anything, but he sits in the waiting room for hours without knowing why. desperately hoping his partner makes it

by the time Atsushi & co. have made it there, Dazai's chewed his fingers bloody. he's tired and Kunikida has been in surgery for so long Dazai's convinced himself he's dead + threatened nurses + been talked out of it + rinse and repeat half a dozen times.

Atsushi has never seen his mentor like this. miserable and on the verge of panic.

by the time Kunikida gets out of surgery, Dazai's talked himself in & out of confessing a hundred times. he's got mental flash cards of everything he needs to tell Kunikida.

so much for that.

Kunikida is HIGH AS FUCK. & being high makes him loose and nearly sweet. he tells Dazai he's very pretty for such a horrible person, and Dazai manages to laugh.

Kunikida is out of it, but he still remembers that Dazai hates hospitals. still remembers to thank him for staying.

Dazai gets violently protective of Kunikida over the next few weeks as he recovers. it's not that he doesn't trust anyone else (he doesn't) - he wants/needs to be close to Kunikida, needs to know he's not being hurt by ‘medical professionals’ where Dazai can't see him.

Dazai's never been a good caretaker, but he makes himself into one anyway. Kunikida is shocked and weirded out. his partner has never bothered to be anything approaching decent to him—pretty unlike the guy to spend hours making Kunikida's life easier for no apparent gain, right?

at first he's hostile to it, because it's Dazai and it's gotta be a prank, but eventually he realizes that there's at least a tinge of genuineness to Dazai's care.

a realisation fueled in part by the fact that Dazai cooks for him, when he knows damn well Dazai never cooks alone

(and cooks pretty well, too)

now, Kunikida isn't the forgiving sort, and hell knows Dazai probably doesn't deserve it. and that he's going to be miserable partner again once Kunikida gets back to work. he has every reason not to trust Dazai.

and yet.

he wants to trust him. he wants to see what would happen to both of them if he trusted Dazai, even for a little bit. Dazai's strong, but Kunikida doubts he's ever had anyone's faith.

maybe he'd like to be the first.

but he's still glad to learn he's not.

which in itself is a surprising revelation. he thought he was doing this for entirely selfish reasons, but now that that's been dashed, he's still happy for Dazai. truly and uncomplicatedly.

not that there's anything very happy about the fact that the only person who ever had any faith in Dazai died. Dazai's clearly still messed up from it; Kunikida doesn't want to push him.

they get closer anyway.

they talk late into the night sometimes (okay, a lot) Kunikida now knows quite a lot about Dazai.

there's more he doesn't know, but he's willing to wait.

in return, he offers Dazai bits and pieces of his own life. they've got things in common Kunikida wouldn't have predicted.

it turns out Dazai is a decent teacher when he wants to be, even if his methods sometimes make Kunikida wince. they're both light sleepers (but Kunikida sleeps a lot better when he knows Dazai's close by.

he's still not ready to examine that)

Kunikida inches near slowly. Dazai is vulnerable and open but rooted in place by the weight of his sins.

Kunikida also finds that he likes controlling your pace at which their relationship progresses.

because that's what this is. that's where it's going.

of course it takes some time for him to be alright with the idea.

but Kunikida is gentle and capable and he loves the people they are when they're together & there isn't anyone around to put Dazai on the defensive.

he thinks he'd like to have this all the time.

Dazai has his own resistance to the idea; he thinks he's going to be abandoned, and then he thinks Kunikida deserves better, and then Kunikida cottons onto the fact that Dazai's just making up excuses to not have to submit to something he wants as much as he fears.

which is about the time he loses patience with Dazai's (frankly, uncharacteristic) dithering and just kisses him.

it's great. Kunikida loves it and he's so right about everything. he wants to do this forever.

there's still problems! breaking the news to the agency, navigating a relationship while fighting crime. Dazai still has A History.

put me on the table

a lonely lover's charm