#qwrites

to celebrate finishing draft 1, people ask silicone-heart questions.

IDs under the cut.

average buck angst enjoyer, go get yo juice under the cut or alternatively, on the ao3.

it's 1.6k words of pretty heavy angst and buck hitting some kind of rock bottom. explicit rating for mental health reasons but also also some sexual content.

there's gonna be two more fics (for now) where that came from, as part of a series in which i'll pour all my buddie angst feels.

here goes:

i want it so badly, somebody other than me, staring back at me, but you were gone.

the sound of silence is a place we're dying

buck doesn’t really know how he ended up here. he’s almost made it to thirty, only to sit in some bar he doesn’t really want to be in. presumably looking for validation he knows will leave him empty. just like when he was twenty.

I've been working on this for a long while and I kinda like it? It's mostly so I can get some writing done and play around with changing perspectives. It has my humor in it, that may have made it worse though lmao.

Word Count: 2,007

---

“Woohoo! I win!”

Jack rolls his eyes, handing the controller over to Raf who sat patiently watching the other two’s round. Miko fist pumps the air, bragging rights having been awarded. Shamelessly jumping off the couch and playing air guitar, making sounds to match her frivolous strumming. Jack huffs in annoyance.

“Okay okay, you're up against Raf next-”

The sound of the ground bridge being activated reverberates throughout the base, two bots emerging from the blue and green vortex. Bulkhead and Bee were back from a scouting mission in record time. Miko wasted no time with her new bragging rights,racing to the railing and leaning dangerously over it.

“Bulk! I beat Jack!”

“Ugh..” Jack rolled his eyes in response.

“Be there in a second Miko, I gotta go pick up Y/N.”

And he quickly shifted into his alt mode and left skid marks from how fast he left, causing Ratchet to groan in the background. The three humans and ‘Bee all stood in confusion as the green car raced out of base. 

“Wow.. He seemed like he was in a hurry..”

Jack commented offhandedly, watching Raf load the next round. Miko shared a glance towards Jack, both thinking the same thing.

Miko roughly grabbed the two boy's arms, pulling them towards her. All three of them hunched over. “You thinking what I'm thinking?”

“You wanna do it now? Now now?”

“Yes! You see the way Bulk acts, and the way Y/N acts!?”

Raf then spoke up, “Uh but why do.. This? Why not just talk to her?”

Miko huffed. “Because he won't do it on his own! We just gotta give him that push! That and I'm tired of Bulk sighing when we hang out! I wanna crush dunes but Bulk's too busy crushing on Y/N!” Miko whispered exasperatedly. “

“Okay okay,” Jack runs a hand over his face and sighs. “What are we gonna do?”

Miko chuckles. 

“More like what am I gonna do!”

---

*Y/N POV*

Bulk and I have been chatting for half an hour now, making our way towards the base... While I liked talking to him, I couldn't wait to get out of his alt mode. It's not that I hate him, It's that I like him. Really like him. To the point that I can't stand being around him without blushing or stuttering and making a complete fool of myself. I've been able to have short conversations with him, but after a while I start thinking of my crush and I get blushy. Last time I told him I was sick and ended up with him worried over me... I didn't want to avoid him, but I'm not good at lying either. So I came up with the best solution.

Avoid him.

“What'chya thinking about? You’re quiet..”

Or at least trying to.

“N-nothing really, just thinking about what the other's a-are doing right now.”

Nice save dipstick.

“I'm sure Miko's causing a riot.” He said with a deep chuckle that I love so much...

“As usual.” I commented, both of us laughing. I loved being able to make him laugh, it makes my heart swell with pride and leaves me glowing for the rest of the day when I hear his gravelly laughed... Oh no, I can feel my face and ears getting red. Look for a distraction-

“Oh look we're here.” I interrupted abruptly, opening the door myself before he could even get stopped. 

“Woah...” I heard Bulk say before the familiar sounds of him transforming followed. Bee's voice beeped out towards Bulk, but I didn't stay behind to find out what he said. I hurried up the stairs to the platform the other humans stayed at most of the time. I had to distract myself from my beating heart, it feels like it's coming out of my throat. The kids were all sitting on the couch muttering to themselves. Miko noticed me first, poking her head up from the small huddle with the other's.

“Hey Y/N! Just the person I was looking for!” Miko jumped up.

“R-really?” I'm going to blame my stutter on a dry mouth and not my heart being caught in my throat. 

“Yep! Ya wanna go dune crushing with me and Bulk?” She exclaimed, louder than usual. That got Bulk's attention from across the room, and although I was internally cringing, he had already noticed and made his way over. I swallowed thickly and averted my gaze from my approaching crush. 

“Y/N's coming?” Me and Bulk met eyes. It was too late now, saying no would make it awkward. I smiled to cover the fact that my face has been heated since I got here.

“Uh yeah, I'm ready!” 

“Great!” Miko jumped with joy. I could feel my face get heated at the thought, it's fun getting to ride around with them. I could hardly contain my excitement, but the nerves soon followed. Hopefully it won't be awkward with Miko there, right?

“Well? Let's go!” Miko grasped my wrist, practically pulling me down the stairs. I nearly tripped from the force of her, and nearly landed at Bulk's pedes.

“You okay?” Bulk’s servos came down enough for me to reach. My face reddened from the contact, I hurriedly yanked my hand away.

“Yeah, I'm good...” 

“Heh sorry 'bout that, I'm pumped!” Miko fist pumps, she's always excited to ride the dunes even though she's done it a bazillion times. Although she wore a peculiar smirk.. Before I could question any further Bulk had transformed into his alt mode, his passenger door opening as well as the back door. Miko made a move for the back, hoping in with the door closing behind her.. She usually takes shotgun.. There's something odd-

“Ya getting in slowpoke?!”

“Uh, y-yep!”

I sat in the front, rubbing the sweat off my palms onto my jeans. The door closes, and we make our way through the ground bridge, blue and green swirls shining inside Bulk's alt mode. On the other side is sand, sand, and more sand. As well as some hills, made of sand.. Have I mentioned there's sand? Finally, Miko speaks up.

“We're here-... oh looks like I forgot something. I'll just go find it and be right back!”

“Want us to come with you?” Bulk questioned through the speakers, but Miko was already out and closing the back door.

“Nah that's alright, you two go ahead without me. I'll be right back!”

“.. Okay.” Miko ran back through the ground bridge, throwing a wave over her shoulder before she disappeared. The portal closed behind her. Leaving me and Bulk alone... together… I reluctantly spoke up to try and help the situation. 

“So.. what's up with Miko?”

“I.. don't know.. She's been acting like this for a while now, heh.”

I was in shock. Miko, Bulk's number 1 fan and best friend, being distant? That is odd and highly unlikely.

“Really? You think so?” Bulk snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?”

“What you just said?” Oh, I-... I said it out loud. I mentally facepalmed, hopefully I don't do that out loud too. I nodded and stammered out a reply.

“Well, yeah. She looks up to you a lot. I don’t see why she'd want to be distant from y-you. You're amazing... uh to her.”

The car was silent afterward. Keeping my head down turned away from the mirrors. Of course I made it awkward, this is why I don't stay around him. I accidentally speak my mind, and I can't be around him if my mind starts to drift... My head drooped, I've got no chances being with him if I stay this awkward. He'd like someone more outgoing and able to keep up with him. And especially not human.

“Thanks.”

I glanced up, Bulk had a soft expression on his helm. His audial seems to be stuck in the back of his throat when he opens his mouth to speak just to close it seconds later. I gave his mirrors a quizzical look.

“You.. Okay?” When he didn't answer, I took it as a sign to continue. “I'm sure if you just talk to her you'll both sort this out. Nothing could break the Wrecker duo up.”

His chuckles sounded through his speakers at that, but went silent again. He seemed to be lost in thought before he spoke up.

“Yeah, you're right... Can.. I ask you something?”

“Uh yeah, sure.”

“... Why.. have you been avoiding me?”

He questioned bluntly, my face flushed from embarrassment from him realizing. What if I came off rude?

"I'm.. sorry.." I was clueless as to why I was apologizing, or what I should say to him. I really didn’t mean to hurt his feelings but at the same time I’m afraid of confessing mine.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have sprung it up on you and..”

Bulk being so bashful and remorseful made a pang of guilt rush through me. He’d ranted and apologized multiple times without stopping. I had to say something.

“No no, you deserve an explanation. Uh…” I felt myself drawing a blank, admitting to why I was avoiding him also meant admitting to my feelings… Judging by the way I made him feel, I had to. If just to make him feel better. My voice wavered.

“I.. like you Bulk. A lot…. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, I just… have the biggest crush on you that I couldn’t be around you.” I chuckled dryly. “It’s not the most sound logic, but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship…” I sighed, knowing it was already ruined now. Everything would be awkward from here on out and I would never live it down just to live a miserable life infinitely embarrassed-

“Oh..” His response making my nerves worse. I could kill Miko for leaving me. 

“I like you too..” 

I visibly flinched back as if getting stabbed, feeling flutters within my chest. “W-wha- Really?” 

Instead of answering his passenger side door opened, beckoning me out. I stepped out and backed up to give him room to transform, my head down turned in embarrassment all the while. I heard his metal plates shift and move before a shadow was cast over me, I fixed my gaze at his pedes. Bulk’s deep voice hummed out.

“Y/N, I like you too…” Before I could react his servos curled beneath my legs and carefully brought me up to his helm. I found the courage to meet his optics, searching for any hint of a joke. But there was nothing but affection and an adorable heat on his helm. He awkwardly coughed into his other servos, breaking eye contact to hide his heated helm. I was close enough to reach for his helm, embracing what my arms could reach. His other servos covered my back, shielding me from the harsh rays sun of the desert sun. 

We stayed like that until I let go, leaning back enough to see his face. His helm matched mine, completely heated and blushing. I couldn’t help but giggle, my chest feeling lighter ever since finding out my feelings were returned. I had to sit, else my wobbling legs buckle beneath me. I watched my legs dangle from my position, steering clear of meeting his optics. 

“This will.. Be… different…” He spoke up, already knowing what he referred to. 

“Yeah,” I whispered, leaning back into his servos and sighing out loud with my hands resting on my stomach. He sighed as well, neither of us knowing what to do or say. Instead, we both sat contently. After so long of holding it all in, and being without my best friend, I couldn’t hold my thoughts in anymore.

“I don’t mind, I really care for you ‘Bulky.” I didn’t care to raise up, already knowing his helm would be stained blue permanently. After a while, he chuckled and ran a digit over my head as gentle as my giant could be.

SILICONE-HEART by @qelizhus // Tote Abuelo (2019) dir. María Sojob // The Girl From the Other Side by Nagabe // Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) dir. Miyazaki Hayao

a silicone-heart ch7 snippet... image reads as follows: 

“You called me,” it says; “I would not have awoken otherwise. You wanted this. You asked for a name, and I named you, and you accepted it. We signed a contract; the world stood witness.” 

“You are the world.” 

“Was,” says the bane of your existence; “I was,” it corrects. Its voice is softer now—no, not soft, but instead quieter, hoarser—like it is making clear a distinction you do not understand. “I was a strand of the world, and my speakers died; and then I slept; and then your call woke me. I would not be alive without you—and I’m not sure I’m alive now—but neither would you.”

“I would be,” you insist; and you must be, because otherwise how would you become someone new, make your own name? You wish to be different, desperately so; you wish to be alive, willful; how you could do so if the bane of your existence were not whispering in your ear, stealing your heart, eating your energy.

wasn’t gonna make a silicone-heart ch6 post, but then i figured why not. we’re sitting at about 10.6k total, now. aiming for 13 chapters, so will probably be under my goal wc? but i imagine editing may add a lot of words. 

image reads as follows: 

“Storm-speaker,” she says abruptly, and you turn your focus back onto the scholar. “She told me how she got her name, you know. She was very proud of it; a new addition, I understand, even though it had been around two years since she was named. Called upon the mighty winds, rallied the waters—ah, but you’ve heard the story, haven’t you? What if the winds turn on her? The waters close a cold eye? They can be very mercurial, you know, the fat from their fish slipping out.”

i cant share all of ch5 so far but believe me when i say its a vibe. image reads as follows: 

Creep up the stairs and they do not creak. Hard wood and oak, sturdy as a whole. Did they not use to be carpet? But it has been eight years, of course, how fortunate; certainly it is not unthinkable to have performed renovation. Although it would not be your father who is the renovator, simply the renovatee. 

Storm-speaker is curled up on one side, facing away from the door and therefore you, when you enter. The line of her side rises and falls as she breathes; and your sister is, of course, alive. She is sick but alive. The blue-and-green patterned cover somehow fits the thick humidity in the room. The keen grey blinds are half-closed. 

Walk over and press the back of your hand to her forehead. She groans a half-made mumble, but otherwise her temperature feels normal.