#quittingmadd

So I’ve been seeing some people talking about how they remember that they are not as cool or beautiful as their parames, and that really bums them out. And the way they deal with this disappointment is to just keep daydreaming, keep living as that other version of yourself and ignore the real “you.” STOP IT.

Story time: My daydreaming peaked in middle school. What made it worse was that I started finding out things about myself that I wasn’t ready to accept. First, that I was a really bitter person inside. Second, that I was a fake b**** pretending to like people that treated me like crap. Third, I had crippling anxiety that kept me from having a normal social life and advocating for myself. Fourth, I have no sense of humor.

Daydreaming did not help me, it only allowed my mind to avoid addressing these struggles. While I distracted myself, the bitterness and anger ate away at my core, leaving me hallow and lifeless. What saved me were the wonderful, supportive friends I met in high school. I wanted to be around them, because they filled my world with laughter, fun, and positivity again-- my daydreaming went from 3-4 hours a day to 1.5-2 hours. Also, I started writing and actually practicing viola. These small things gave me purpose, life, and direction again.

So... I recently started seeing a therapist for my extreme paranoia that conveniently only manifests right before I’m about to go to sleep. I told her how I would anticipate a certain figure to pop up and attack me, and I thought it was connected to my excessive daydreaming. She told me I probably had OCD, but I told her I never obsessed over organization or little things being in order. OCD, surprise surprise, isn’t what the media always portrays it to be. It’s your mind getting stuck on a certain idea, a certain feeling. This is what caused me to have really bad panic attacks-- my brain wouldn’t let go of the idea that something was there. She recommended a breathing exercise so that I would force my attention away from that idea and towards my breath. Tbh, it’s a good temporary fix.

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/4ai9cu/i_realized_how_daydreaming_has_ruined_my_life_and/ 

I found this post on reddit, and it really broke my heart. For me, doing science and math problems over and over in forty minute sessions gives me a high similar to my daydreams. I love going through flashcards until I can recite the whole deck on the bus ride to school the next morning. As a result, I’m doing very well in school.