but I don’t even know how.

But I realize—

a day when nothing happens is also a day when I haven’t challenged myself at all.

It’s terrifying,

but maybe I need to face it instead of running away.

いつも仕事に行く前、何事もありませんようにって願う。

でも、何事もない日って何も挑戦してない日ってことなんだよね。

Little did they know

how many nights I sat with my head in my hands,

trying to make sense of a world

that never felt like it was built for someone like me.

They saw me show up, smile, nod,

say “I’m okay” like it was second nature.

But they didn’t see the versions of myself

I buried just to survive the day.

Little did they know how tired I’ve been.

How waking up isn’t always a relief,

how silence in a room feels louder

than the voices in my own head.

They didn’t hear the conversations I’ve had

with the ceiling, with the night,

with a God I wasn’t even sure was listening.

They didn’t see the tears I swallowed

because there was no one around

who would know what to do with them.

Little did they know I’ve mastered the art

of pretending.

Not because I’m strong,

but because breaking in public

feels worse than breaking in private.

They thought I was calm.

But this calm came after the storm wrecked everything.

After I screamed into pillows,

cut people off,

lost myself,

and crawled back with bloody hands

trying to rebuild something worth living in.

Little did they know

I’m not healed.

I’m not whole.

I’m just here.