#questioning panromantic

It definitely sounds to me like you could be asexual and alloromantic. I’m neither bi nor pan, so whether what you are feeling would better be described as biromanticism or panromanticism is something I can’t really speak to, but I’d definitely encourage you to do some research and try on some labels if you want. 

Some aces are sex-favorable/can enjoy having sex, while others are sex-indifferent or sex-repulsed, so I would characterize asexuality as a question of whether one experiences sexual attraction, rather than if someone is interested in sex and sex-adjacent topics. That said, it’s fine if you explain your sexual orientation to other people by talking about how you don’t experience sexual attraction and aren’t interested in sex, because then you’re talking about your personal experiences, not the experiences of the entire community. 

Guess this is my contribution for pride month lmao-

Feel free to use this on whatever profile you want, you don’t even have to credit me.

I just whipped this up because I’m questioning my sexuality, but if there’s anything I know for certain is that I never really cared about gender when it comes to love interests and that the person in question would need to get real close and personal with me before I properly fall in love/want to engage in sexual activities with said person in question.

I’m not entirely sure what I am so uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh-

Identity and labels and community are all really complicated, and there’s no one set way it has to be. You don’t have to engage with or feel super connected to the ace community if you don’t want to. That said, it might be worth considering why it is that you don’t feel connected, and if there’s something you or other people can do to make you feel more welcome. The ace community doesn’t have to feel like home to you, but you deserve to have it feel like home if you want it to. 

Also, I’m not sure if this would be helpful for you, but is it possible that you’re panromantic? That could explain why you still feel connected to the pan community, even if you’re not pansexual. 

I think calling yourself queer is a great idea, if you’d like to. It’s broad and expansive, and you don’t ever have to use a more specific label if you want, even if you find a more specific label that fits. That said, if you do want a more specific label, here’s some stuff that might help.

You might find it helpful to distinguish between different forms of attraction. The most common categorization is probably sexual vs romantic attraction, but it can be any categorization you want. Maybe you have difficulty figuring out if something is sexual or romantic attraction, but aesthetic attraction feels distinctly different, so you decide to think about attraction in terms of sexual-and-or-romantic and aesthetic attraction. Or maybe you can tell the difference between sexual and sensual attraction, but they always happen together, so you mostly think of it sexual attraction. Or maybe you can’t tell the difference between forms of attraction or you don’t find it helpful, so you choose not to categorize your attraction at all. It’s up to you.

If you find it helpful to categorize your attraction, you don’t have to give an orientation label to every kind of attraction. For instance, if I chose to label my sensual orientation, it would probably be demipansensual, but it basically never comes up, so I don’t really think or talk about myself in those terms. Or say that someone eventually realizes that they’re bisexual and biromantic, and there’s a clear separation between sexual and romantic attraction. They can just call themself bi or bisexual if calling themself biromantic isn’t something they want to do (be that because of circumstances, they don’t want to explain it, they don’t find it a useful label, or any other reason).

Orientation labels can be super powerful, expressive, and flexible, but they can also be a bit overwhelming if you don’t know where to begin, so don’t worry if you’re not sure what to call yourself. Look for labels that are helpful for you right now; if a label you use stops being helpful or a label you don’t starts being helpful, that’s fine, you can always change your labels whenever you’d like. And if you’re not sure if a label fits, give it a test drive. Trying on a label is a great way to get a sense of what it really feels like, and regardless of whether or not it fits, you learn a lot about yourself. Finally, feel free to take your time with this, there’s no need to rush to figure everything out.

If you don’t want to have sex or think about sex, that’s fine. Some people will tell you that that makes you an immature 16 year old, and other people will tell you that you’re too young to be thinking about that, but they’re both wrong. If you’re thinking about this stuff, if other people your age are thinking about this stuff, then you’re not too young to know that you’re ace. (That said, if you want, feel free to take your time. You don’t have to figure this out right away, and it’s okay if you’re unsure or questioning for a long time.)

Have you come across the term panromantic asexual? It refers to someone who can experience romantic attraction to anyone regardless of gender, but doesn’t experience sexual attraction. If you feel like you’re simultaneously pan and ace, this might be you.