#questioning nonbinary

I can’t tell you if you’re cis or not, because the only person who can determine that is you. That said, I can tell you that most cis people don’t question their gender at all or worry about overthinking gender. As far as I can tell, most cis people have a confident, internal sense and understanding of their gender. My #cisgender-experiences tag has some submissions from cis people talking about gender, and if that doesn’t line up with your experiences, that might be because you might not be cis. In particular, if you don’t feel gender at all, that might be a sign that you’re agender. 

I’ll also say that gender presentation and transition are personal, and there isn’t a set way you have to transition or present yourself be a certain gender. For example, some nonbinary people want to present androgynously, while other nonbinary people prefer to present more in line with expectations of male or female gender presentation, and still other nonbinary don’t really care how other people see them. (The same sort of variation is also true for nonbinary people and the pronouns they use.)

I'm ok being called "a girl" mostly because I've been desensitized to it, but I've always much preferred being called "a kid."

I despise being called "young lady" (bleh 🤢), it feels so patronizing and feminine and wrong.

I can't imagine being called "a woman," it doesn't match who I am at all.

but I know that label will be forced on me because of what i am.

but I'm not a boy either and I know I'd hate being called "a man."

if I could only just be neither,

that feels most like who I am.

if I could not have to deal with periods or having boobs.

but I dont want anything sticking out down there either.

please, can't I just be neither?

I know what I am makes me more at risk of violence but some of those factors I want to keep.

I dont want to not be autistic or not be small or look much different (besides the aforementioned boobs).

but if I could not be female...

but then again, neither is at risk too.

but "they" feels so much more right than "she" ever has!

but I want to keep my long hair without it being called "pretty."

I want to keep my name, it means so much to me, my name has never felt wrong, only the body it's put on.

I even want to keep being my parents' daughter and have Mom call me "best girl in the world!"

but outside of home, I dont want to be a girl.

I want to be a person, thats all.

but these ideas seem like contradictions,

does it even exist at all?

can I be a daughter to my parents and a person to everyone else?

can I get called "they" and keep my long blonde hair?

can I be neutral without changing the parts that make others assume I am not?

is that real?

because who I am doesn't match what I am.

I don't know if it ever will.

but if what I'm called could match, then maybe...

yeah, that sounds a lot like body dysphoria. you might be trans, you might not, and that’s okay. I know cis butch women with dysphoria who bind their chests, I know trans men and nonbinary people who don’t have dysphoria or bind their chests, and they all deserve to be supported. 

if you don’t have access to a binder, I’d recommend trying to get one or wearing sports bras more often to see if they help alleviate your dysphoria. and if they don’t help much, that’s ok too! worst case scenario, flattening your chest doesn’t do much to help, and you wind up getting top surgery instead--and that’s really not such a bad thing, though it may take a little while to cover the expenses.