#queerpoly

Two hands are better than one when you’re keeping him in line 😜💙

The reaction I get when I tell people that I identify as either queer or poly, has been so all over the map that I have really just stopped telling people how I identify all together, as far as my sexuality and my ideas about relationships are concerned. As far as my trans* identity is concerned, I really just let them speculate in whatever way they please. I hold the same policy for pretty much all of my identities, which is, I'm just going to do whatever it is that I feel like doing, whether you're around or not, and if you're confused by something, ask me about it, if not, continue to be. That is all of them except my Blackness, which is one that you can see off gate, so there are no questions, unless it's to my mix. 

Anyway, as far as my queerness, and my poly-ness, are concerned, I find it kind of difficult to find ways to put that into conversation. I know for a fact that people (outside of tumblr) are confused about my relationship status as well as my sexuality, because, like I said, I just kind of say and do whatever it is that I please, whenever I please to do so. A lot of people in my everyday life can't figure out if I'm a lesbian, a gay man, or a straight man, and if I am any of those things, on any particular day, they can't figure out if I'm in a relationship or not, and with who! 

It's hard, for that reason mostly, to bring up queer things, or poly things in normal conversation. Mostly, what I mean is, when I'm interested in someone. Well I wouldn't be able to tell them anything even if I were straight and single, because I'm painfully awkward on top of that, which are two things that I'm not, straight and single, but I find it hard to explain to people that neither of those things are stopping me from being with you in pretty much any way you would want me to be. I'm not heterosexual or single, BUT we can still probably do whatever it is that you're thinking about doing... Maybe, I think, If I weren't awkward, I could get some things done, connect with people, form some relationships that were queer and poly friendly and inclined, but I don't know. Even that might be wishful thinking.

I think that my policy of don't ask don't tell is just as oppressive sometimes as being marginalized. It's not that I'm not telling because I'm ashamed of it, but it's pretty hard to explain, even to, especially to, people who already think that they know what I do, or what I'm into, or people who identify as gay themselves. It's hard to do this... friend...relationship thing. 

Ideally, I would want all three of us (me and my bois) to be able to have plenty of connections with other queer people. Connections that are both individual to the person, and can interconnect with ours. Just thinking about it sounds so complex and complicated that it sounds like it could never happen, but the fact that my ideal life is this lets me know that I have to make steps towards it right? 

My Bois and I sometimes joke/have serious conversations about other people that we will bring in eventually, and how we will all live in some apartment building and have large "family" dinners, wherein it will be possible for everyone to bring "theirs" and for everyone involved to look anywhere else around the table and go "Aww, I like that person, and the sex is amazing." it's a thing that would be nice, but in all actuality will be more than difficult to get to. I would love to have this huge tapestry of people who are living and loving together. Friends, lovers, companions, partners, mates, things like that. All together, I would want to live in a place where that could happen, where we would all be a living breathing thing...together...

Oh I can just imagine the poetry I'd write about the collective. UGH. Do want. 

As a PolyQueer individual, I find it really hard to even bring up my situation/sexuality, but I find that talking about it usually plants seeds in people's minds and makes them go home and think about it in a critical way, and come back for intellectual conversation with me, that somehow ends up with me having sex with them...hahah I'm being facetious, but you know what I mean. People are innately curious. It's just the... turning that curiosity into willingness to try, and then turning that willingness into something that is palpable so that it can actually be worked with and turned into something that can be mutually enjoyable. 

 I need to find ways to have these conversations with people, not even just those who I would like to consider the idea from a purely selfish point of view for my own self interest, but just people in general. It's a thing that I like to talk about/think about. 

It's just sometimes very interesting to think of myself as this person. As this PolyQueer identifying trans*person of color. I'm twenty years old and it's already hard for me to think of myself as any other way than these four things. I am proudly these four things.