#queerhomemaker

there were many reasons we chose to move to a housewife system in our household, it just makes sense with us and i do try to find ways to make money when I'm not buried under a pile of laundry and dishes.

we had a budget "meeting" last night and though we are all good, my mental health is the big part of my being holding me back from being able to work consistently. despite that though i already have an event to clown at later this month :D

the big con at the moment as spring has come is the fact that bugs leave hibernation and come out to seek the outside world and end up inside my house... horrible. especially when life has been so hectic that all my paranoid thoughts have been bug centered.

I've begun wearing my show heels inside to keep my feet off the ground, but sometimes a big bad shows itself and i retreat to my bed until the boyfriend can fix it and then do not very loud chores through the night to compensate..

Sometimes I remember things that I perceive as happy memories. And I will continue finding them happy memories because they are mine.

One of those memories is the play fighting over the one cd case for a 2cd zaz album. The album I'm listening to right now.

I remember Zaz is the woman who formed my love for French Jaz, and my mother is the one who formed my love for Zaz.

We shared some music in common, the Dixie chicks, zaz, Andrea Bocelli, and others I grew up with because of her.

The only thing that makes these sweet memories bitter is my attempts to share my music with her were often stilted because of my early fascination with Fandom music from whatever kids my age were listening to.

We came back together musically when I did a school project on directing her favorite song- because it is her favorite song. And much like a parent reacts to their kid writing about them as their hero she seemed proud to be written about.

It makes me want to cry sometimes, listening to songs that she introduced me to- but that I cannot possibly take out of my daily routeen. How can I go through Christmas without Bocelli?

How can I wake up my brain to write without zaz?

How could I possibly cook without her influence in music?

How can I clean with music without that music being country. She organized her life in genres and didn't even know it, I'm doing it consciously and finding reminders of her.

And 2 people showed up, which was sad in the moment but some neighbour's came to the door (obviously, everyone else is celebrating halloween) and of course we offered them food.

The food! I made appetizers, a first course and a main as well as dessert.

Notable mentions :

The pumpkin maple soup I pureed and though I hate pumpkin (outside of pie and even then only those which I make) it was good

Dessert included two pumpkin pies, both home made

Most important however; Richard.

The turkey.

He was beautiful! I took pictures!

He was stuffed with those "cheese filled" smokies and apples left over from the cider I made the day before for samhain, he was left in 'Bob's burgers "father of the brine" turkey recipe' as well as a cooking time and temp I found of some French twink,

He.

Was.

Perfect.

You know how turkey is usually in the freezer for weeks? Months?

He didn't last two weeks! We finished him off completely in a breakfast sandwich each this morning! He was 18lb, I love him, he was a little salty but BUT the stuffing needed it and the potatoes (chad) made it so much better.

I forgot gravy, and noone even remembered gravy is usually served cuz their plates were empty

This is my horn and exactly how enthusiastically I am tooting it

And here is RICHARD

He was hard to serve seeing as THE BONES WOULDNT STAY WITH THE MEAT it fell off the bone omg this is my first turkey, I have never cooked a meat thing bigger than like- ribs on the BBQ and thats a whole different beast

(And you can see the pumpkin soup and Chad in the background (from making it, I'd call it mashed potatoes with so much butter my wallet cried))

I also made a pizza as we were celebrating a family birthday the same day hahah

I do believe the night benefitted from being more private, it allowed us to pay our respects to those we gave offering to more intimately.

"what am I doing this for"

it seems there's always something I do or plan to do that someone else has come up with or wasn't needed in the first place, one would think I didn't show initiative and this could be fixed with some foresight

well; let me tell you an anecdote

the other day I realized we hadn't gone on a date in a while since using the last coupon for a date night at our restaurant. so I suggested we go to a movie that has just come out and was about to leave theater, there are a few coming out in this little bit of time that he's been looking forward to.

so I suggest going to the movie

and

he then remembers that he already made plans to go to the movies with someone else the DAY BEFORE I was suggesting we go.

what's worse is since the theater is in a mall I came along and decided to explore, then found out there were no public bathrooms anywhere in the building and surrounding area, apparently certain bathrooms aren't open depending on the day.

it took 37minutes to find a bathroom.

some people get to be artistic

I seem to mirror people in the strangest ways, I don't get to be funny unless the other person isn't,

I don't get to be artistic most times but sometimes, when inspiration strikes and I have no one there to comment and no one's words race through my head reminding me someone else is much much better than me.

I am not so vain to think I can be the best at everything

however in my youth I considered myself a jack of all traits, now though with carpel tunnel and paranoia I am every day closer to losing myself, my sanity, and my hands.

it's getting harder to do all I need to do in a day, and worse so when I do all those things and then on top of that I cannot write at all by the end of the day, relying on a softer pressure under my hands unlike a hard pencil.

by the time I am done kneading dough and shaping it, scrubbing dishes and gripping a broom I have no strength left in my most fragile bones to write or make art.

all while my artist partner sadly has no time to make art and has a mislead version of things at home to look forward to.

the other day I put away all of the monthly groceries and prepped the vegetables, meal prepped, sorted, sectioned, updated the pantry lists..

so that he could enjoy painting while I take on the household tasks and try not to speak too much to not break his concentration though my feet hurt and my arms are sore and I've been in heels to avoid touching our floors despite them being clean because it's spring, we live in a horribly carpeted basement, and my paranoia spikes with bugs involved.

I am incredibly privileged to be able to be a stay at home partner, though the chore list that comes with it is endless and seems to personally target me daily.

and I insisted we both quit smoking to make sure all of this is worth it and we live old enough for all this saving and scrimping and cleaning and crying to actually mean something.

agoraphobia is a strange topic to bring up to people, getting invited out to things is especially hard when the only thing keeping me from going somewhere is an emotional support person.

I can't hear very well and the way my brain focuses on the world is very specific and a very categorized process that makes me even just looking at the parking lot; able to find many many pretty things to look at .

that's not very helpful in public alone when there's no one to set me back on track, though I'm also very anxious so I'm overly aware of my space and noise. yould think that would be good.

until I slam into a wall to avoid brushing against someone, twist my ankle and force myself to continue walking anyway to not ruin the flow of pedestrian traffic, and (as a child and just as an anecdote;) speeding up on a bike to "race cars to the crosswalk and see who gets to the other side first"

none of the consequences resulted in going to the hospital.. I'm wondering if they should have?

is this a blog?? what am I doing?

:'/

I went to the pharmacy today, it was needed, boyfriend had to do a work thing, I showered for this, I'm pretty sure I got mistaken for a teenage boy because I was drinking a canned soda and I was wearing my funky striped shorts

i spoke like a person who cannot hear themselves, I almost walked the whole way, I have zero problem complimenting people confidently and smiling but I don't do well when I actually need a service from someone or if there is a time limit to the interaction (bus) I don't quite know what it is. is it agoraphobia? am I just cooped up?

in the 3 years my boyfriend and I have been together I have only won one game that either of us remember- and me and the third player had to team up to take him down, me only winning because we decided who would win beforehand between the two of us.

before that I had the type of childhood where I was taught a lesson in fairness and life by never being allowed to win a game with my parents, they always had to win. I eventually learned to be a sore loser and an even sorer winner (the only times I had ever won being with cheating and I tried to keep it to a minimum)

at times I wonder if my purpose in life is to be a jack of all traits, I am *fine* at the things I do, I may be better than some... but I have never once been genuinely *good* at something. especially not good enough to beat someone else in a competition.

at some point in games I usually go smoke or start a sub-plot (the mail cards in payday tell a story), or minimally interact.

I *want* so badly to be able to keep up and have the same kind of fun everyone else has. I yearn for a day i can just sit around a table with someone or several people and just be able to win fair and square and not from pity or cheating.

sometimes games just don't end at all because I just can't bare to lose again. theres not many heartbreaks in my life that cut as deep as constantly being a loser. and constantly being called a sore loser.

would you not be a sore loser if that's all you did?

now, especially since I am at home most of the time, keeping the house functioning, I wonder if I'll ever be good at something. or if I'll have to convince myself I can be a "I don't do competitions" person.

today was the first time i used a pork belly cut of meat with the skin on, it was quite the experience.

i found that giving the meat a name made it easier for me to take it apart to feed us, and I'm going to be very honest- though it was very uncomfortable at first to have my food look more like me than food- the price per meal is worth the discomfort, so far I've sectioned off part of it for my mother in law, part of it I've cut into bacon sized strips, part will be i for stew i think.. I've never cooked with this much variety of pork so ill have to find more recipes before cutting any more pieces,

his name was Al because i intend to use all of him

lately we've had to budget tighter, having been unable to replace one of out jobs and the other job fluctuating. tonight we're watching the classic movies available on the one streaming site we have and canceling it for the beginning of June and updating resumes.

one of us still will need to stay home and clean, take care of animals, meal prep, etc because both of us are not well enough physically to put in 100% in both work and home, each of us needs a focus to keep it stable.

we have been able to compensate for having less time and money for the simple pleasures in life, we try for one fun thing a month at home (like me setting the house up to look like a fake bar with soft toys as customers) or a fun activity that costs money once every few months (rocky horror last November and planned this October if all goes well)

the trick to making sure you don't think about how much others are spending on fun activities is making sure boredom isn't something you grow used to. if you make the small moments fun then you have dopamine coming in from small stimuli instead of associating spending money with those happy chemicals.

or do what my partner did and have someone like me around, there's never a dull moment with someone like me.

today (31st) is the last day we will have a certain streaming service, (having signed up for a one year subscription a few years ago and having continued letting it renew until last year, )we canceled it and though we could let tomorrow happen without a care, we could also make a day out of it and make sure we get to see each others childhood classics in HD one last time before we have to use other methods of watching movies

I'm very glad i pushed for a DVD player before we tightened the budget so if we have to cut back even more then at least we have the ability to scratch the itch that family movie night gives me.