Dear seventeen-year-old me,
Those feelings that you're having; every time you look at her, the butterflies, the fast beat of your heart, the sweaty palms? Those feelings are more than okay. Yes, they are very scary and new to us but they are more than okay. You'll figure that out soon enough. The fact that you don't have those feelings for boys, even though everyone around you tells you different, that's okay too. We soon realize that we are all a little different.
I know you feel a little lonely right now but that doesn't mean that you should let that loneliness consume you. Keep doing the things that you love the most. Keep dancing. Keep acting. Keep being. And never let that loneliness drive you to do the things that you will regret. Never, ever feel like you need to sleep with him just to feel something. Because we both know that you'll feel emptier in the end. He does not define your worth, he will never, ever be a home for you and he will never be able to save you. No matter how hard you want him to. You'll do that for yourself. Trust me.
One day you will be able to stop pretending. When they ask you if you like this or that boy, you'll be able to say: I don't. You'll be able to be comfortable in your own skin and when that happens, you won’t believe how many crucial connections you'll make with others that identify like you. And those that don't but share your struggle. The struggle of just trying to be who they are. It's gonna be great but you just have to get through the rough parts. And there will be a few. I can tell you there will be a point where all you want to do is yell it from the roof tops, I'm queer, and the words will bubble up in your throat to burn but you won't be able to get them past your lips. That's going to be a hard time for you but I'm here to tell you, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.
Don't be in a rush to figure out what you want to do with your life. I still don't have the slightest idea yet but we'll figure it out when it's all we can dream of doing. You don't have to settle for mediocre when you can definitely have extraordinary. You'll hear it a lot from your mom about graduating and finding a job that makes you money so you don't have to live like she did. And while finding and job that will make you a decent amount of money is a good idea, don't let it be the only thing that you're after. Finding happiness is a lot more important than money. Plus your mom is a very strong woman. She may not have had the best life, but she's doing her best and if there's one thing you do learn from her, learn her perseverance and strength. It will get you through anything because she has come a long way.
Now here's some real advice kid. You're gonna have some complicated relationships. You're first time with a girl will happen in a bathroom at a drunken party that was supposed to be a board games night. Then you're never gonna talk to her again. Then you're gonna meet a cute girl who's going to destroy you emotionally. That's also gonna be a dark time for you. Because you're gonna be torn between wanting to love her and wanting to hate her while trying to still be her best friend. You’re gonna give all of yourself to her. Because she's the first girl you've ever really felt anything for. And she also has a way of making you fall to your knees because she’s just her. It's gonna be so shitty and there are gonna be days when all you can do is cry. It's gonna take a long time to get over it and there are gonna be times when you think you're over it, but the feelings will come back to hit you like a big yellow bus when you least expect it.
But Soon you're gonna meet this extraordinary individual. They are gonna be complex and beautiful and you will change a lot about yourself to be with them. But trust me it's a positive change. They're gonna help you pick yourself back up after that mess before them. This person is gonna challenge you, in ways that will make you break down sometimes. But they are also gonna support you and give you more love than you probably ever imagined any other person could give you. Or that you're deserving of. You are deserving of all of it and you're gonna give it right back. In the beginning of your relationship you're not gonna understand anything. It's gonna be confusing and it's going to hurt a lot but the two of you will get to a good place eventually. But just because you get to a good place, doesn't mean there won’t be more struggle. I'm sure there will be but just like the beginning, I think it's gonna turn out to be marvelous in the aftermath. This person is going to teach you what it means to really love and be in love.
I know I've spewed a lot of shit to you and even though you're probably still going to go and do all the things I told you not to, if there's anything that I want you to take away from all that I've said, it's this: Please just be yourself. Don't let other people dictate how you are going to live your life because at the end of the day, you're the one that has to deal with it. Love who you want to, do what you want to and be who you want to be. That's where true happiness comes from. Stop thinking that this person, this object, being who everyone wants you to be is going to bring you any happiness. You have to build it. With things that you love, enjoy and have a passion for. And happiness will come and go but when it does, just get your hands dirty again. Build. And Rebuild. Grow. I'm still learning how to do that and I think I always will be, but all that matters is that I'm still trying. No matter what. I hope you will too.
