#queer poly

My anxious attachment

This paired with my anxious avoidance makes it SO confusing to figure out what I want, and leaves me upset 90% unless I'm the one setting the tone for what happens next.

Some of my thoughts on:

Using “fear rules” as steppingstones for letting go of socially constructed thinking about control in a relationship...

What is a fear rule? 

“Fear Rules” (as I call them) are those knit picky little rules that we demand or require (usually) at the beginning of our journey into polyamory… It is often something along the lines of, “OK you can have sex with anybody you want but not on the third Wednesday of the month when it's a full moon and never ever in OUR marital bed!”

Okay, okay... so maybe not that first part, but in my experience personally… my “ fear rule” was: “No sex in the marital bed!”

I had decided that my partner could have sex anywhere else in the entire world, just NOT in that one super special sacred space.

There wasn’t anything special about my Target bought mattress and moderately price sheets. What this was really about was me needing to establish some sort of control over what was happening because that element of control, however tedious, made me feel like I was involved in what my partner was off doing without me... it was a tool to help ME feel like I still was in charge. It was as if, through this “fear rule” nothing could be truly taken away from me.

 Queen Lolita has made her demands known and god help anyone who would dare break this rule...

But what that rule really was, was me scared out of my goddamn mind.

 I was scared I was gonna lose control, I was scared I was going to lose my partner, I was scared everything was going to crash and burn in a fiery death of hell flames...

Of course I didn't know that at the time!

I actually thought I was advanced! I thought I had grasped polyamory! I was happy and experienced and doing everything right…look at me I'm a progressive poly person letting my partner go of and be with someone else!

But really, at the root of everything, I wasn't ready yet.

I had to SEE what this "fear rule" really was at the root. And identify my very valid fear and express it to my partner so we could work past it as a team. And realizing that, took some time.

Eventually my partner and I realized the rule wasn’t something we could easily work around. We honestly needed to use the bed when we had partners over out of sheer comfort, for goodness sake, and so though a bit of struggle, we finally agreed to let the rule go... We didn’t get to that place of “letting go” until we were both able to talk about what we were really afraid of - If someone else sleeps in “OUR” bed will it take away from how special the bed is to us as a couple since it’s only ever been us too?! -- Well certainly not. My partner and I were not represented by some silly bed. What WE had was special regardless of this material thing we were holding on to... and that discovery, that was the first step in letting go of the “fear rule” because we grew together by discussing the root fear and getting past it together.

And don't think just because you're a "seasoned" polyamorist, that you're out of the woods: 

When new deeper relationships or different relationships are established, even the most seasoned polyamorous individuals will find themselves taking steps backwards into those “fear rules” in order to re-establish a sense of comfort.

I've learned however, that the further into polyamorous experience you get the quicker you return to not using “fear rules” as a crutch because we learn through these experiences just how beneficial it is to say “Stop! I’m feeling scared... I’m feeling uncomfortable... I need to sit down with you and work on this as a team”

Fear Rules are helpful in that they give us some of those very first clues that we need to investigate what we are feeling and communicate them to our partner(s) so that, together, we can move forward with everyone truly feeling okay!

I’m not saying some rules (or even “fear rules”) are not needed in a poly dynamic, each of your own unique relationships will have different needs. What I’m saying is, perhaps make sure you’re all taking the time to investigate where the rules are rooting from to make sure there isn’t an underline fear or insecurity that the rules are coming from.

What are/were some of your “fear rules”?!

 I’d love to hear what others have experienced!

I'm trying not to overthink it by comparing it to how I feel when my friends do things I'm excited about but not a part of.

You are guaranteed to run into at least one person you know whenever you go outside & there's a 20% chance its someone you've dated already.

My love language is doing things for you and disguising them as a thing I was already going to do for myself because I hate when people pressure me into gushing over something they do for me/it cushions my heart from hurt if they don't like/want it.

But also lowkey, doing things for other people gets me to show up for myself better so its not really a lie.

I just offered to cook for my partner under the condition that "I get my shit together" she said we could go out but like, no that will motivate me to clean my entire apartment, finish unpacking, AND get groceries/meal prep.