#queer experiences

"my name is pattie gonia and i'm backpacking 100 miles in drag to try to raise $1,000,000 for 8 outdoor nonprofits. here goes nothing."

Post by @ pattiegonia.

(Side note, I love Shane’s little thumb in pocket awkwardness.)

We see here that Yuna is upset when Shane joins her outside. She’s stepped away for a minute alone, presumably to process and get herself under control. So why is she upset?

This is where it gets a little bit speculative. She isn’t upset about Shane’s sexuality, she tells us that when Shane tries to apologise. I think it’s two reasons:

1. She’s realising that she’s hurt and alienated Shane (as per the previous post), and

2. She’s realising how much Shane has been hiding from her and David, and how much of Shane’s life they’ve already missed out on.

This second one is really important. Remember that coming out - both about being gay and about loving Ilya - wasn’t Shane’s choice. He was forced into it. He chose to confront it head on once he was in that situation, but if David hadn’t seen them, Shane wouldn’t have told his parents. It wasn’t part of his ten-year plan. It works out, but I think Yuna’s upset because she’s realising how much of Shane she doesn’t know, and if he’d been able to continue hiding, that she would have missed out on so much more of his life.

But, let’s wind it back a bit.

Ilya’s monologue in the previous episode, after his father’s funeral.

Ilya is expressing a very common feeling for queer people - the idea that not being out/truthful about yourself invalidates your relationships with those around you, especially those you’re close to. If you’re keeping parts of your identity secret, how can someone genuinely decide if they like you?

His father may not have loved him, or may have buried that love deeply, but even his insults were wrong for who Ilya is, both for his sexuality and personality. He’ll never know who Ilya loves, and he’ll never realise that Ilya actually works hard as a hockey player and as team captain. He’ll never see how Ilya supports others, how he goes out of his way to treat people well. He’ll never see Ilya goofing off, or playing with children. He’ll never see Ilya being joyful. He’ll never see the beautiful moments where Ilya allows himself to be vulnerable. He’d take these things as weakness rather than strength, but at least then he’d look down on Ilya for the right reasons.

And if Ilya’s father had been telling Ilya that he loves him and is proud of him, it would still have felt hollow to Ilya, knowing that he was keeping large parts of his identity secret.

Ilya’s grief is for the relationship he wishes he could have had with his father, more than it is mourning his father.

And this part of Ilya’s monologue is in English, so we know that Shane understands it.

Fast forward again to Shane’s family accidentally finding out about Shane and Ilya. This puts Shane in a position where he’s forced to be honest and open up about the secrets he’s been keeping around his identity and his life. Until now, Shane’s position has mirrored Ilya’s - he’s hiding, his family don’t really know him, a lot of what they say about him is invalidated because of that - but unlike Ilya, he’s got the opportunity to stop hiding and trust that his parents will be there for him.

One of the things that this show is doing in this moment is demonstrating the common experiences that many queer people go through, even when their personal circumstances are different. Similarly, almost all queer people understand on a gut level how difficult and scary it is to come out. Even people who’ve said they love you unconditionally can flip unexpectedly when they learn the truth. There’s generational trauma there, reinforced by our own experiences, and it’s really, really tough to overcome.

Shane’s parents handle his outing pretty well, giving some grace for a few moments that are played comedically (it is a TV show, and the audience needs those moments to break the tension). I can only imagine how Ilya feels, sitting there watching the man he loves get the honesty, validation, and reassurance that he wishes he’d had.

All of this is why I’m so happy that the season ended on Shane’s family reaffirming that they do all love each other. That was the payoff that we all needed, for Ilya’s arc and Shane’s, and the catharsis for the unintentional outing. It’s relief rather than the triumph that Scott and Kip had, but it’s just as important, and just as representative of what queer peoples’ journeys can look like.

In this episode of Assigned Sex, Unarchived, Shaun sits down with Kyrie, an original cast member from the Assigned Sex documentary, for an honest conversation about Black masculinity, passability, and self-definition as a Black trans masc person.

Kyrie opens up about the challenges of performing masculinity in cis-masc spaces—from the early days of transitioning and losing access to community through sports, to navigating dating, fetishization, and loneliness while “blending in.” Together, Shaun and Kyrie explore what it takes to build a version of manhood that feels authentic, grounded, and free. Shaun also shares a brief lesson on Jim McCarris, a Black trans man living in 1950s Mississippi, underscoring how Black trans and genderqueer people have always been part of our history.

Follow Assigned Sex on Facebook and Instagram at @assignedsex, and subscribe to the Assigned Sex newsletter on Substack for episode updates and extended conversations. Listen to Assigned Sex: Assigned Sex on Apple Podcasts Assigned Sex on Spotify Assigned Sex on Amazon Music Assigned Sex on iHeart