#quark's

sisko: you're involving me in a schoolyard dispute? have you tried the time-tested rehabilitative effects of five minutes time-out or an afternoon in detention?

odo, dryly: very clever, officer sisko. no, this matter concerns public safety, and specifically the way in which your son has chosen to endanger it this week.

sisko: my son? endangering the public? that's quite an accusation, constable. [folds his hands, grinning smugly] can you divulge the nature of this threat, or is it strictly a matter of station security? top secret stuff.

odo: don't make me file you in contempt of this investigation. i'll get to the point: your son has recently uncovered a cache of ancient 21st century "electronic gaming" archives and, like a virus, has infected all the students with a series of...charming but highly invasive rhythmic movements in the halls. these 'fortnite dances' have completely overtaken the youth and have led to countless mishaps, accidents, and spilled drinks in and around the area of Quark's.

sisko: my son is a wanted criminal because he's allegedly influenced an entire youth academy to do obnoxious dances outside of places where they get attention when they do. odo, is this really a crime, or more of an inconvenience?

odo: you make a fair point. talk to the boy. tell him additional instances of 'fortnite dancing' in public thoroughfares will be punishable with a night in a cold cell. we won't have any more spilled romulan ales on my account.

sisko: ...odo, before you go.

odo: yes?

sisko: is this a serious matter of public concern, or did quark simply bark at you to drive the children off his property until you relented?

Hey, it’s Morn, sitting in his usual spot at Quark’s... aw...

Get a gift you don’t want? Clothing that’s not your style, holoprogram you’ll never use, that sort of thing? When you have a free moment, go to Quark’s Bar, find a Ferengi, and barter for a joke. It makes their day to get a barterable item for just a joke, and their grins are so infectious; sometimes just making a Ferengi smile is more fun than the joke.

You can blame both me and @babe-ylon5​ for this monstrosity, aka: Karaoke Night at Quark’s bar is a chaotic gay mess

Our story begins when Garak’s kanar consumption and Julian’s reckless enabling mesh together in just the right way, resulting in drunk Garak belting out a powerful rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart

Garak: EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART Julian, singing backup: tuuuuurn around, briiiiight eyes Garak: EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART Jadzia, slamming her hands down on the table to imitate percussion: BOOM! Garak: AND I NEEEEED YOU NOW TONIGHT Julian: and i need you-- Garak: AND I NEEEEEED YOU MORE THAN EVER AND IF YOU ONLY HOLD ME TIIIIIIGHT Julian: if you only-- Garak: WE’LL BE HOLDING OOOOON FOREVER

Worf, after the performance: it is a warrior’s song

Anyways Quark winds up recording the whole video and sells it to disbelieving customers the next morning for a profit

Sober Garak tries to track down every last copy but somehow Quark has not only sold them to the entire station but also to visiting dignitaries from the Federation--Garak is now a one hit wonder across the quadrant

Garak’s worst nightmare comes true when Dukat stops by to congratulate him on his new singing career

(Garak offers to fit him for a new uniform with the intent to strangle him with the measuring tape.  Odo has to break up the fight when a mannequin goes flying through the window)

In revenge, Garak puts up audio recording devices around Dukat’s house, and catches Dukat singing in the shower.  Garak then sells the recording to Quark

It is also a smash hit

Quark invites Garak and Dukat to a karaoke-off; Garak makes a comment about Dukat being a coward so both show up out of spite

They wind up singing Love is a Battlefield as a duet

When Quark sells the record, he bills it as "Love is a Battlefield, performed by Elim Garak, ft. Dukat"

Dukat is really pissed off about being put down as a feature when it's clearly a fucking duet, but knows he can't say anything in order to save face

Garak takes advantage of this mercilessly

Julian winds up singing Take On Me at one point??? Jadzia is backup

Julian, dramatic gay: TAAAAAAAAKE ON MEEEEEE Jadzia, enabler: take! on! me! Julian: TAAAAAKE MEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOON Jadzia: take! on! me! Julian: I'LLLLLLLL BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOONE IN A DAY OR TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kira buys 100 copies of the Love is a Battlefield video and sends them to Bajor

Said videos become a smash hit and spawn a cult of midnight screenings across the planet

Sisko receives angry letters from the Cardassians while the Federation is applauding this diplomatic success

The station is forced to perform a group rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody by Starfleet in an attempt to mimic the success of Garak and Dukat

It bombs abysmally

They have some god awful choir style choreography like the grapevine and the step and clap

Odo has zero (0) rhythm but a fantastic voice--he gets a solo but keeps bumping into people in the chorus

Quark tries to sell Odo merch but the only person who buys it is Lwaxana Troi

Garak merch does surprisingly well until Julian discreetly buys out the entire stock

Garak starts making Dukat merch just to spite him--Dukat is secretly pleased that people would buy said merch until Garak informs him that it is solely bought ironically by the citizens of Bajor

Garak reaches such high levels of celebrity that fans come to DS9 just to visit his shop.  He tries to get them to leave through veiled assassination attempts, but to no avail; they just seem to multiply.  This is Cardassia’s first encounter with lizard fuckers

Julian shows up to lunch one day wearing a Garak merch t-shirt