Hey, Yāall. Itās been a minute. Iāve been operating on burn out. Been going. And not necessarily getting a lot done. Iām finally losing weight and seeing definition. Iāve been consistent with my workouts and although I havenāt worked a real schedule as if I was working again, I have managed to do at least SOMETHING everyday. There were days in the past where I would get absolutely nothing done. But even if itās an hour or two, I make sure to do SOMETHING towards interview prep everyday.
Iām a little embarrassed that I am not further along. I donāt consume YouTube as much these days and I just blocked The Shade Room and other Twitter pages I consume heavily. I eat okay.
My dad called last week and told me my little brother now wants to code. He suggested to my brother to reach out to me. Many emotions came up. Mostly anger, so I had to cut the convo short. I was angry my father hopped back into communication as if he didnāt hurt me. I was angry he suggested to my brother to reach out to me when my brother has had me blocked and blamed me for why he wasnāt getting opportunities when I set up his LinkedIn page and said I was trying to push him into doing something he didnāt want to do when I suggested he pursue coding.
My family ostracized me, called me all kind of bad names, took his side, told me to help when they saw I was right, never apologized for any of the things they said, and now wants me to help.
As a Christian, I must welcome him with open arms and not hold all that against him. I prayed to be a better person. God is giving me that opportunity. Forgive so that I may be forgiven.
It has got me down, but I need to remember not to get weary in well doing, and that well doing in continuing through the pain and not taking my anger or revenge out.
I had to cut improv guy OFF. Block him. He invited himself to church with me. Trying to give him another āchanceā, he targeted my religion and something so sacred to me. I accepted. Then, a whole week later, he says, āWhereās the address? My friend may want to join.ā
This triggered me because a lot of my āfriendsā invite me places or I invite them, and then they bring their partner along either without telling me or they tell me right before when itās too late or awkward for me to back out. Just tell me you want to bring them. If you NEED them there, then are we really friends? I have trust issues. I have been betrayed so many times and I donāt feel like I give this same energy out to people.
So when this guy did it. I told him I wasnāt cool with it and why I wasnāt. I didnāt trust him and donāt know his friend at all. Didnāt tell me about the friend. This is the first time Iām meeting them in person. If you wanted to go with your friend, just go with them. Do they have an interest in meeting me? Or am I going to be the third wheel you all ignore and use me to show you around?
A lot of people have been playing with my time and emotions. One other dude I got let go with who has been awkwardly trying to hang out but never sets a sure date to meet and then apologizes and promises to meet as if this is something I want when this was what HE wanted and Iām just being nice, had the nerve to say he was lonely and now knows what it feels like to be a āminorityā despite being Indian. I immediately called him out on it. He got way too comfortable. Iām so tired of people.
Also, my therapist been getting REAL lazy. Sheās postponing our meeting, one meeting she had hella people in the background, another meeting she was at a cafe and had to change to her phone before her laptop died. I meanā¦
I just keep hearing my grandmotherās words: āYou are so sensitive!ā And maybe I am, dog! I keep encouraging myself to stay on it though, because thereās always going to be something to piss me off.
My other āfriendā who I told yāall I was afraid to call a friend, showed me why I should tread lightly again. I had doubts about her from jump, but sheās been so nice. But when people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM! I had planned to surprise her and take her somewhere and told her to just save the date, but after she read an invitation to something else I sent her but never responded to it, despite us talking many times after that, I just canceled her surprise. I felt bad because I canāt get my money back, but Iām kinda jaded from being nice to people even after theyāve done me wrong. Iām spent.
I even told my pastor friend about the misogynoir, especially with all these Black men who get killed and their old tweets hating black women get exposed. She acknowledged it, but not quite in the way I had hoped. I regretted opening up to her.
Not everyone is going to treat me how I want to be treated or respond in the way I hope they would. I get that. I just would appreciate more validation and security in my relationships.
I just joined a community group of some of the members in my white ass church, and, upon meeting some of the women, they gave me the same look of fear a lot of white people have when you enter their space. I felt SOOOO welcomed. ššš. Life as a Black woman can be hard. I so bad want to get my life togetherā¦but to go where? I miss New York like CRAZY, but there is racism and stupid exclusivity there as well.
I met up with a girl I met through a mutual acquaintance. She locked arms with me on NYE and walked and chatted with me for BLOCKS in the cold! I thought we were vibing. We exchanged numbers. She put the wrong number in my phone. It was off a number. I thought it was possibly a mistake. I went through 2 people to get her number. I finally got it. I hit her up to schedule something. She seemed ready, but had no suggestions on what we should do. I figured it would go bad at that point. And sure enough. Not only was she late but it was almost as if she was extremely shy. Like girl, you were all up under my arm all night. And no, she wasnāt intoxicated that first night (I donāt think). We eventually talked a bit more fluidly and she even mentioned sharing food āthe next timeā. So, idk, but it definitely left me feeling like a lot of people donāt deserve my time and generosity and that I should stop inviting people and only take invites right now.
I thought Iād volunteer weekly, but life been lifing. I met a woman last time and she was excited to exchange numbers and hold each other accountable. Sheās from Brooklyn, so sheās been following up better. She gets it. She was just hella weirdly bossy volunteering and physically moved me to the point where I thought I would have to say something or get physical back. And I keep letting this stuff happen. Turning the other cheek because I am trying to give people grace and also control my temper better. I really be wanting to let people have it, but I know God is going to reward my patience. I read a scripture recently: only say good and helpful things. Iām trying.
Through all of this, you CANNOT say I donāt āput myself out thereā or TRY! I be trying! Itās something about here dudeā¦idkā¦
I also have been craving romantic intimacy with a man, but a lot of men, especially the ones I seem to attract, are EMBAARRRRRAASSSINNGGG!!! Every dream recently has been about me being intimiate with some dude from my past. I met a dude on Hinge last week. He was not gorgeous, just okay. He were quested to FT. First red flag. Just take me out. Donāt do none of this weird BS. Take the EXPECTED risk that comes with dating someone online, especially since YOU swiped right on me. Then his first date invitation was ice cream at night. Pardon my French, but I AINT NO ICE CREAM BITCH! Take me out to dinner! I entertained the FT and the invitation, but knew I was lowering my standards HEAVILY! So something in my mind said āSABOTAGE IT!ā And I did. I asked him why ice cream and not dinner. He gave some stupid response that all seemed to revolve around what HE wanted. If you canāt afford dinner, or youāre tired of it not going beyond dinner, maybe you donāt need to date. You can pick a cheap spot. You think imma walk around in the cold at night on our first date because you āthink it lends to better conversationā? If you struggle with coming up topics at the dinner table, improve your conversation skills, go out with someone youāre interested in getting to know, or put your ego aside and recognize that not every moment needs to be filled with a word! I need to get intimiate with these damn computer science conceptsā¦
My neighbor in the apartment below me said my music was too loud. I felt embarrassed and attacked. Solangeās line about not even being able to be yourself in your home resonates with me heavy. I try harder to be quieter, but I donāt even be loud for that long. Just feels like them being anal and wanting to control something they donāt have control over and feeling like they can do it because Iām Black.
So, tomorrow, Iām going to see a comedian. He interviewed me a while back. I hit up his colleague who helped organize the interview, asking if I could meet him at the show. Havenāt heard back from her yet. In addition to meeting him, Iām hoping to make a huge romantic or career connection with someone the comedian knows. I know my potential is to be with and around powerful people who enjoy my company as much as or more than I enjoy theirs.
I would have loved to show my āfriendā this, but I didnāt trust her and if she really betrays me, I donāt want to regret showing her that experience. Maybe thatās petty of me, but I have to protect my heartā¦itās been getting beat up and I havenāt been saying anythingā¦
I ate out today and felt so guilt about it. I kept thinking about the money, time, and calories I was wasting. It was good, but I couldnāt allow myself to enjoy it fully. I want to be a good steward of the gifts God gives me and I felt like I was indulging a bit and ignoring priorities.
Iām hoping a REAL break will allow me to reset and refocus. I donāt want to eat out. I donāt meet fake friends or people who are not interested in getting to know me too. I canceled a lot of plans and am opting to do things solo. I canāt wait for a true social group, a close partner bond, a community and city I truly enjoy, and a job I want to work hard for. Iām working at it. Praying for it. Praying that Iām doing and wanting the right things.
All that I want is coming for me. I have to focus on the positives: Iām trying things out, people are swiping right on me, I have my health, Iām looking better, I can still afford to hang out and take people out and do things for them, I donāt have to go home to people that make me sad, angry, or say mean things to me, I can study, I am learning, I am teaching myself, I have Wifi and electricity and water to wash my ass, I do have a lot of people that care for me. I live alone. I can get up and do these things myself. I am just really tired and the road ahead seems long, but I have to believe in me, work hard, face my fears, trust in God, and only fear Him. I pray for forgiveness if I am not representing him well. I should have joy.
