#pyjaks

Shepard sighed. She didn’t get paid enough for this shit, she really didn’t.

Some things just weren’t fair. Or right. Turians were hard to read, but from the sound of Garrus’ mandibles clicking softly against his helmet she could tell he was amused.  And beside him, Kaidan was clearly trying his very best not to laugh. He was also failing spectacularly.

Great.

“Commander? What’s wrong?” Joker’s voice crackled through the comm. Another one who was going to have a field day with this.

With all due sense of trepidation and dread, Shepard raised her hand to her ear, activating her link with the ship.

“Stand by, Joker,” she said, putting every ounce of military authority she possessed into her tone. “It seems a… creature has seized the data module.”

“Creature?”

“Yes.” Her tone was as clipped as possible.

“Care to expand on that, Commander? I could do a sensor sweep? Pick up any clusters of these… creatures.”

She wasn’t fooled. Oh, it might seem like Joker was trying to help, but she knew that it was merely a ruse to get her to admit what she was dealing with. He’d mock her mercilessly when he discovered that the Alliance’s top secret data module had been stolen by some kind of space monkey.  

“Not necessary, lieutenant,” she barked into the comm. “Shepard out.”

Now she just had to deal with the two grinning fools on the ground beside her, the ones whose voices she couldn’t just turn off, unless she punched their vocal cords. Sadly, Kaidan was too pretty to punch and Garrus… Well, first she’d have to learn where his vocal cords were before she could punch them.

“Okay.” She hefted her assault rifle more firmly into her grip in a desperate attempt to make herself look as intimidating as possible. “Let’s figure out which… space monkey took the data module, get it and then shoot it a couple of times.”

“Sure, Commander.” Kaidan’s voice was perfectly professional, but the twinkle in his eye made her cautious. “Maybe we can lure them with bananas?”

“Or we can imitate their mating call?” Garrus offered.

“Or you,” she barked, pointing at Kaidan, “can scan for their nests and you,” she continued, pointing at Garrus, “can see if you can pick up on any trace resonance or tracks.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Wildlife adventures with Shepard! 

So... do any other critters from Thessia reproduce the same way? (I’m guessing yes, unless the Protheans did something rather odd.) Or do they have a lot of species that are straight-up parthenogenetic like those cute Mexican lizards, maybe with the occasional male thrown in to liven up the gene pool?

Because that could mean some pretty horrific invasive species...

I reckon asari need a cat-equivalent (for some reason my brain goes straight to “fluffy sabre-toothed rabbit-looking thing that hunts vermin using a lift field”). Cats are a bad enough invasive species when you need two of them! Cats that can clone themselves, or get pregnant by rubbing their face on your foot or by licking a tree... concerning!

CONFESSION: