#punkgalaxy

I'll start with the root of this "rage" along with some context of my semester Japanese. Over break I didn't expect much homework, and I didn't get any (nothing was posted) until Thursday by my Japanese teacher. She is notoriously bad at posting homework online, often waiting until way too late to start it. I've spent so many nights doing Japanese past midnight, while my class is at 10am. 10 isn't that bad, but I'm used to a sleep schedule of like 9+ (doctor recommended for my mental health) hours of sleep which is way too hard (actually impossible) if I stay up past midnight as I wake up at 8:30 in order to feed myself breakfast and carry on with my day which is always long. I've always loved Japanese as a language/culture/history/cuisine/etc. and learning it and majoring in Asian studies was something that I thought would make me super happy and whatever. But lately, due to existential crises after Japanese from being talked down to and embarrassed for asking simple questions, I've begun to hate Japanese and as such hate my major. I still admire the language/culture/etc. but my teacher, who teaches horribly, has been making me resentful and stressed on a constant basis. She decided to go for full immersion in the class this year (2nd year, 2nd semester Japanese language) and teach without a textbook, instead fully orally and occasionally giving us worksheets (uploaded late of course) to study from. What the actual fuck? Why is that okay, it's not, I hate her, she doesn't understand our capabilities, individual lives, etc. and it's infuriating as well as being not particularly helpful in learning a new language. 3 classes every other day for 1 hour is not enough to suddenly immerse a student in the class using 0 English, and in fact causes me anxiety to hear any Japanese now as I try to pull apart every single god damn word to try and translate it. For the homework I was assigned that caused this blathering, I guess, was a 10-page packet on Japanese grammar... AKA the hardest part of the entire language.

So fuck that... and that got me thinking about how much I hate my major right now. I was talking to someone how I think it's kind of useless and vague, a waste of money, and incredibly unpredictable in terms of its uses. But I'm 2 years in already. Two more months until I finish my SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE... halfway through. Do you know how fucking scary that is? For someone who doesn't know what they want to be? What the fuck. It makes it hard to breathe. But what am I going to do? Change my major? To what... I don't have passion for any other majors that are more "secure" than my current major. Sure I like psych or philosophy or literature or history, but I'm looking for something with job security. Am I apt for computers? medicine? law? no. What am I going to do, drop out of school and do something else? I always say I want to own a bakery, but there is a reason I'm not doing that, multiple reasons actually: culinary schools are private institutions=$$$$$$, the start up cost to open my own business=$$$$$$$$, the amount of money I just wasted spending 2 years here=$$$$$$$$, the risk v reward involved... etc. There's no positive to fulfilling my dream of owning a bakery, just crushing debt and I'm not going to make a bunch of shitty money choices which will fuck me over for owning a house, car, etc.. I'm not even interested in business! I just want to fucking bake shit and sell it to people and make them happy. There isn't any alternative to what I'm doing now that won't cause me immense irreparable debt. People try and suggest things to me all the time but I've thought of literally everything; not exploring every option is NOT a fault of mine.

The extra shitty thing is, if I go ahead and complete my college and "power through" this "rough patch" I won't fucking feel good about it. I'm gonna feel awful and feel like I had no other choice, because I didn't in order to not go bankrupt by 23. I hate the education system because I don't know why it is so god damn expensive for no good reason, and I hate that the money is restricting me into being miserable potentially for the rest of my life because I can't afford to switch out OR EVEN continue schooling, which I am only doing by accumulating a ton of debt. And I go to a god damn public school.

It's not fair, I'm miserable because my interests don't correlate to a good career, and I feel trapped. And it sucks because my English is deteriorating, I can tell. Learning these new languages is fucking up my English, and I've noticed. My current language pales in comparison to what it used to be when I was just learning French, and it sucks. I used to love writing, and I got a lot of praise for it. But now, I'm too afraid to write because my language isn't nearly up to the standards I once held it to and I don't feel comfortable showing it to other people. The ONE thing I thought I was good at is weakening and dying and truthfully, already dead. I'm too weak for the army, too dumb for medicine, too talentless for art/music, too poor (and we're not even poor?????) to start over. And I'm angry, sad, defeated, whatever.

I like smoking because I don't think of these things

I like drinking because it distracts me

I don't like my reality!!!