#pun-tastic

As I journey through this wonderful experience we call 'life,' I have made (and collected) some observations and exclamations to color the journey a bit. My kiddos have lovingly termed these my 'Dad-isms,' and you may have noticed a few sprinkled into my writings thus far. So I thought I would collect some of my favorites into one place, for posterity or posterior, you choose the usage. Enjoy (or groan)...

                *DISCLAIMER* some of these are original and some I have collected over the years (credit for those I can remember is in parenthesis)

(Non-cuss cuss exclamations): 

God Bless America and all the ships at sea…

                                Corollary: GBA and the ships are back in port…

Son of a mother chicken plucker…

Well flip me over and call me a turtle…

Oh Kaka / that’s gonna get Messi… and I’m not talking about the soccer player…

If you’re going to use a 50-cent word, be sure you have both quarters

You can lead a horse to water… but some will drown in it rather than take a drink…

That (beverage / excuse) is about as flat as a 10-cent sandwich…

About as much flavor as hanging your tongue out the window…

Don’t pop your shoulder out patting yourself on the back…

You think you’re funny.  The problem is you’re thinking

                Can be dual meaning depending on the underlined version of ‘your’/‘you’re’ used…

(In response to a highly questionable assertion) Pull the other one, see if candy drops out…

(In response to ‘how are you doing?’)  Doing what we can with what we got…

That’s a heapin’ helpin’ of ain’t happenin’…

I need more Skol and less Uff Da…

Some people have a one-track mind.  I have an 8-track mind… and someone keeps hitting the <PROGRAM> button…

Another day, another 58 cents after taxes… and shrinking…

You bring the noise, I’ll bring the thunder…

Alcohol may not be the solution, but it is one HELL of a solvent…

Rule #1 of Cat Ownership:  NEVER look for a cat.

Busy is good but frantic can quickly become tiresome

Hot weather can be trying, but you don’t have to shovel humidity, and no one has ever slipped on sunshine.

(Especially in bowling, but any scored game):  It don’t say how, it just says how many

(Bowling wisdom) Spares keep you in it, til your strikes gonna win it…

(Seeing a police car with a ‘customer’ on the side of the road):  Broken.  I mean… BUSTED!

This situation was served with a large side of SUCK sauce…

Corollary (can be taken literally or sarcastically):  Well now that has a small tendency to SUCK…

Be critical of what you hear.  Propaganda ain’t just a goose in a tuxedo.

(Particularly about work) I’d rather be busy than the alternative…

I refuse to ‘get a life’ until someone tells me how what they are proposing will be better…

Let’s do that.  I’ll schedule it around the 5th of Never…

It’s a choice… which usually implies that it’s not a good one…

If you find yourself in a hole, quit digging

                Corollary:  And when you hit rock bottom, don’t reach for the jackhammer…

If you get to thinking you’re someone important, try ordering another man’s dog around.

Both feet in your mouth up to your ankles.  And still chewing…

He’s about two tacos short of a combination plate…

One man’s fun is another’s HOLY CRAP I’M _NEVER_ DOING THAT AGAIN!

Don’t threaten me with a good time…

(Finding something in an obvious place):  If it had teeth it would have reached out and bit me on the butt…

(Pinball wisdom, but can be more generally applicable):  It’s NEVER just a fuse…

(Bad luck response) And THAT, folks, is why I limit my trips to Vegas…

Get it?  Got it?  Good.  Gone.

Sarcasm.  Just another service I provide at no extra charge.

Just a sanity check.  Yes, I know for me that’s a stretch…

That’s a nice, tall, cold glass of NOPE.

Wait a minute, I know I put that surprised face somewhere…

If chemistry is not becoming to you, you should be coming to me.

LABORATORY.  Emphasis should be on the first 5 letters, not the last 7.

Theory guides but experiment decides (thank you Dr Wells)

Sorry, my give-a-damn is busted today…

Indecision may or may not be my problem… (Buffett)

Is it ignorance or apathy?  Frankly, I don’t know and I don’t care…

Either the lightbulb glows brightly or the firefly slowly fades…

No one is so empty as one filled with the wrong things…

So clueless they could fall out of a canoe and forget to get wet…

(Starting a trip or event) Let’s kick the tires and light the fires…

Maturity is understanding that ‘Challenge Accepted’ is not always the right answer.  Pride is going ahead with the plan anyway…

In God we trust… everyone else brings data.

That was only two-thirds of a pun… P-U

Statistics are like a bikini.  What they reveal is interesting but what they conceal is critical.

Nothing good happens at 3 in the morning.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

There’s a fine line between jumping to conclusions and putting them into orbit.

An honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind (Mellencamp)

I’m growing older but not up… (Buffett)

Fat Butcher (all about the meat)