#ptsdtw

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains C-PTSD flashbacks relating to child abuse. While not graphic, please use your own discretion in continuing with this post if those topics are triggering or upsetting to you.

Bonnie: I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for coming out to celebrate my birthday with me. We’ve been through a lot as a family, but I’m so glad that we’re all here together now.

Johnny: Happy birthday, Mom!

Chantal and Destiny: Happy birthday!

Trinity: Just cut the cake already!

[laughter]

Johnny: So you’re the kid who’s dating my little sister. What’s your deal? Got a job yet?

Demarcus: No, sir, I’m only 12.

Johnny: Hmm. Well, I hope you’re treating my sister right. I know how 12-year-old boys are. I was one, after all.

[Johnny starts to put his hand on Demarcus’ shoulder]

Demarcus: Ah! Don't hurt me!

[Johnny has a flashback of Jimmy: Don't be such a brat and I won't have to!]

Johnny: I won't, why would you think that?

Demarcus: I dunno. Isn’t that what big brothers do?

Johnny: No! I was just messing with you. I would never…I’ll be back.

[Johnny goes to the bathroom to compose himself] 

Bonnie: [holding Darien] And there’s your Auntie Chantal!

Chantal: Hey sweet boy!

Destiny: Sorry Mom, I’m gonna have to take him back so I can put him down for a nap. 

Bonnie: Aw, sweet dreams little guy! [to Chantal] Doesn’t he make you want one of your own?

Chantal: Nope! I’m done with men anyhow.

Bonnie: I can’t blame you for that one. They cause nothin’ but trouble.

[The front door opens]

Trinity: Dad!

Jimmy: Hey princess! I thought I’d stop by to say hello since I didn’t get to see you this weekend.

Chantal: Mom, what the fuck? Why is he here?

Bonnie: Jimmy, I told you not to come!

Jimmy: Relax, I’ll just be a second. Hey, Johnny! Listen, I've been wanting--

Chantal: Don’t you fucking get near him!

Destiny: Stay back, Jimmy!

Jimmy: I just want to apologize!

[Chantal and Destiny block Jimmy from getting near Johnny. Johnny runs out of the apartment]

Bonnie: Johnny! Wait!

[Everyone follows Johnny outside]

Chantal: Jimmy, get the fuck out of here before I fucking end you!

Destiny: Leave, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Fine, I’m leaving! This wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t such a pussy.

Destiny: [to Bonnie] We’ve got him.

Johnny: [to Chantal] Please take me home.

Bonnie: Johnny, I’m so sorry, I told him not to come. I–

Chantal: Stop! You’ve done enough. Let’s go, bubs.

Stevie: But only if you’re actually here to help. I can’t get distracted, Matt, I need to get this done. Got it?

Matt: Loud and clear. No funny business. Not even a little bit.

Stevie: I’m already regretting this.

Agape (n.): the highest form of love; selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional love; persists no matter the circumstance; always giving and devotes total commitment to seek the highest and the best. (1/5)

10 years ago; 7 months after Patti's death, Emmy gets lost in the woods

Lonely girl, you are my world, And I could be anything you need And if for some reason you don't feel like talkin' I could just sit and enjoy your company Your company

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i wish it was running mascara and boys who tell you your scars are beautiful.

it's not all sad music. it's lying in bed with your so called 'happy playlist' on full volume while your mind shuts down and continues to descend into misery.

the voices aren't my friends, if i could reach into my brain and rip them out i would do it this second.

it's 'pretty' until you cry so hard you vomit.

it's 'tragically beautiful' until you have to look your mother in the eyes after she almost lost you, again.

it's 'relatable' until it's scary.

it's 'a mood' until you're a flaky, unreliable, detached, removed and isolated, 'bad' friend

it's acceptable unless you're traumatised, scarred or falling apart at the seams.

it's okay until you can't hold down a job or stay in school.

i wish i was the shy girl from the movies, who's faintly scarred forearms are covered by a hoodie she pulls down every time someones glances in her direction.

i wish i was the 'mentally unstable' girl from the books who sits in an oversized white shirt on her kitchen counter drinking a glass of red and smoking a cigarette, looking flawless, hair flipped to the side, nails painted and mascara that barely flakes on her cheek after a long day.

i wish i was the girl from the love song who's life was a wreck until she met mr right.

but unfortunately my life and all its trials and tribulations weren't written by a millionaire movie producer, author or songwriter. the script of all this was laid out messily by trauma, and i live it every day. i'm not a character or a textpost.

the girl from the movie grew out of it. the girl from the books saw a therapist once and all of a sudden everything was fine.

its not this romantic thing.

i was traumatised as a child and forced to ignore it to protect my grieving mother. i came out of the psych ward at 15 to find that half of my so called friends wanted nothing to do with me anymore. i was diagnosed with a personality disorder at 18 and was forced to accept from that point onwards that i would never heal.

i’m gonna take this opportunity to over-explain everything lol because i think it’s really interesting and important to stevie’s character!

all the dialogue was pulled directly from [the bridge incident]. stevie wasn’t initially triggered by seeing matt’s blood, but seeing blood dripping on the white sink reminded her too much of blood on white snow. stevie herself didn’t say a single word after the woman jumped off the bridge, so all the dialogue comes from elaine or jada. stevie harbors a lot of guilt over her actions that night because she completely froze and couldn’t follow the instructions that the 911 operator was telling her to do, and she could only stand there and watch while jada and elaine (but especially jada) were level-headed and proactive. they even started to get frustrated with stevie :(

but eventually she was able to listen to their instructions, to some extent, because she’s not wearing her jacket in the next post and has blood all over her:

but as we know, the woman still died regardless of stevie’s intervention. that doesn’t do anything to make her feel less guilty, of course. 

immediately afterwards, stevie starts to cope by making jokes (Ex: at the mention of trauma counseling: “Been there, done that. We’ve had a fun life.” // “Long story short: I’m never getting that jacket back.” // “On the bright side, I get to leave early and see Ellie” etc. etc.) and generally seeming unbothered. matt even comments “I think you’re strong. You’re talking about frogs, and laughing a lot, and, you know, still being yourself.”

ALSO if you want to go even deeper with it – after aileen died, jada specifically asks stevie to make her laugh and feel normal. and stevie happily obliges jfksjd

it’s pretty rare for stevie to talk to anyone about her trauma. and we’ve seen this time and time again – she almost opens up to matt about her parents fighting, but decides not to at the last second. she consistently makes jokes or talks about these traumatic incidents that have happened to her in a sort of sarcastic, bitter way, to avoid sharing her true feelings about them. 

Agape (n.): (4/5)

Olive: She went to her mother’s grave. Adeline: Are you sure? I thought she said she had gone too far-- Olive: Mom, I’m sure. She called out to her mom before the line went dead. Just--please tell Steve to find her. Adeline: Steve? Did you hear that? Yeah she’s gone back to the graveyard--

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Agape (n.): (2/5)

You're in the house And I am here in the car 'Cause I just need a quiet place Where I can scream How I love you

I want you I want you

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Agape (n.): (3/5)

I don't know what to do without you I don't know where to put my hands I've been trying to lay my head down But I'm writing this at three AM

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transcript and links under the cut