#psych log

god you people piss me off

i was professionally diagnosed at age 8, i don't take care of myself, i don't take care of my living space, my life is an absolutely disorganized mess because of my ADHD

but every time i accidentally lock my keys in my car, every time i lose my wallet, every time i lock myself out of my apartment, i almost always end up having a goddamn crying screaming panic attack because i've always been clamoring for a support network and now i have to scramble to get ahold of someone at 12am or something who can pick me up or help me get into my car or help me get into my apartment

having to have other people in your life to help you compensate for your memory problems is scary because if those people are out of reach? you're fucked

"forgetting their keys or whatever" sure, if you say it like that, then memory issues affecting your ability to keep track of certain items suddenly aren't a major life problem! poof! it's like magic, it's suddenly no longer a big deal that i leave the stove on while away from home for hours at a time, that i forget about important medical appointments, that i forget to pay my bills and have my utilities shut off and have to shell out more money than i already did due to late fees - forgetfulness? minor!

i want to have a clean living space, i want to have meals, i want to be clean myself

but no matter what "tricks" i try or w/e my sink still ends up full of dirty dishes for days on end, my floor still gets disgusting, my clothes still sit unwashed, my bathroom builds up gunk, i only shower maybe 2x a week if i'm lucky

i always think there's gonna be some turnaround but i straight-up can't do this on my own

not even getting beaten or screamed at "fixed" this problem

i'm not even depressed i just can't keep track of all of it no matter what meds i'm on or anything

i've also been working with my shoulder and back injury for weeks as the only person doing my job, nobody else that he's hired for food prep has stayed

but thinking about the fact he's so casual heehee haha jokey with seemingly everyone but me is what triggered me today like i don't even want much i just want to be left alone or told that i'm doing good work for once or fucking something positive instead of only noticing what i'm doing wrong, but if i know anything it's that it doesn't matter how hard you work what matters is how likable you are and if you're an autistic freak like me then the only thing you are is "difficult"

there's a reason i keep my goddamn earbuds in and try to hide them from him because if i'm not listening to podcasts or something i start thinking about every single bad things that's happened to me and i start thinking about things like this and then i have a meltdown