#professionalhorror

Hey guys, so after working a whole bunch the past few nights, I have a Christmas themed horror story for you guys that will be up on the blog at noon. 

WARNING!!: It is the longest story I’ve ever posted here. It clocks in at just over 5500 words. I know that’s not insanely long but it’s long for one of my short stories. So just know what you’re getting into with this story.

So I was tagged by the lovely and talented @skippyholmes to do a ‘get to know me’ thingamabob. I did one like a month ago with similar questions but who cares! I’m bored atm so I’m going to do it. I’m still not going to tag anyone specifically because I hate to be a bother. But If you’re reading this, I encourage you to give it a go.

Now find out more about me:

Name: Chris

Nicknames: The Professional, The Don, Donosaur, any variation on Donovan or Chris, C Dop Monovan by my homie Evans, and Dirk because of my resemblance on and off the court to Dirk Nowitzki.

Star Sign: Virgo.

Gender: Male.

Height: I’m 6 foot 4 and you can’t teach that.

Favorite colors: Red, Black, and Green.

Time Right Now: 11:45 pm.

Average Hours of Sleep: Between like 6 and 8 usually but it’s not enough.

Lucky Number: 17

Last Thing I Googled?: If there was any new Vitamin String Quartet albums out. Great writing music, you guys.

Number of Blankets I Sleep With?: Only 2 but an overload of pillows.

Favorite Fictional Characters: William Hudson, Venom, Red Hood, Freddy Kruger, Nancy Thompson, Ripley, Slappy the Dummy, The Haunted Mask, Carly Beth Caldwell, Candyman, Max from The Final Girls, Erin from You’re Next, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Spoon from Dog Soldiers, Turkie from Thankskilling, Rey, Indiana Jones, Butters from South Park, The Deer God from Black Mountain Side, and I’m sure a bunch of others but I’ll cut myself off for now.

Favorite Books: Night of the Living Dummy, The Haunted Mask, How to Kill a Monster all by R.L. Stine, The Shining, Cujo, Christine all by Stephen King, The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling, Meg by Steve Alten, and The two Jurassic Park books by Michael Crichton.

Favorite Bands: (Mine is mostly rappers) Eminem, Royce da 5′9″, d12, B.o.B., Tech N9ne, Tyler the Creator, Kid Cudi, T.I., Tupac, Childish Gambino, G-Easy, and Malka Red. For my radio pop-type fix I gotta give love to T-Swift, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Elton John and Christina Grimmie.

Dream Job: Writer. Specifically horror movies or a horror show or SyFy original movies.

What I Am Wearing Right Now: I’m suit and tie fly for work.

When Did I Create My Blog?: Nov 2013 but it’s only been this name and format since Oct 2015

Current Amount of Followers: 305! And I think it’s mostly actual people! Yay!!

What Do You Post About?: Horror! Movies, my stories, Goosebumps stuff...that mostly covers it.

Do You Have Any Other Blogs?: Nope, this is my one and only.

When Did Your Blog Reach It’s “PEAK” (when did your blog get more followers, have popular posts,): Well, one story of mine has considerably more likes than the rest. I’m not 100% sure why but 730 Days has more than twice as many likes as any other post I’ve had.

Who Is Your Most Active Follower?: Idk, it won’t show me like all-time stats for my blog, just the past month.

What Made You Decide to Get a Tumblr: A college project. I wasn’t a fan of that class, but I love this blog.

What do you get asks on a daily basis: I don’t ever get any asks, unfortunately.

As agonizing as jetting around the universe at close to the speed of light for ten years was, that wasn’t close to how agonizingly long the trip through our atmosphere took. I was practically salivating as was approached that blue and green marble. She had a more orange tint than I remember but I was excited for what I would see there this time.

It was normally a hard sell to get people on the U.S.S. Ridley. That’s what they told me at least. Most people think that space travel is cool but once concepts like time dilation are explained to them, they start singing a different tune.

Finding out that every person you’ve ever known would die of old age by the time you come back usually gives people cause to pause. Not me, that was the selling point. I could give a fuck about space but man oh man were there a few graves I was chomping at the bit to dance on. One day man...oh one day.

I didn’t have many attachments and none were so attached that they teared up  when I said, ‘hey, goodbye forever’ so I had little regrets. Especially when I thought about how Eric Kolb would be a pile of mouldy bones when I got back. Trading in residence at 67 Wolcott Lane for the U.S.S. Ridley was just a detour to ensure my victory over him.

I think that was why I got put through such rigorous training before the journey. They probably were a bit confused to find such a willing candidate so they wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy or something. They had to promise all the other members some very pretty coins before agreeing. It sure as hell didn’t seem like the other people had to do half the shit I did to get on this ship. I should've played these guys a bit, gotten off this rock and gotten some sweet perks along the way.

Once we were in space, I was really questioning whether or not it was all worth it. Yeah, space travel has progressed quite a bit but it still hasn’t advanced that far past clown-car crowded. Not to mention all the bs fake food we had to eat and that annoying ass radio static since that was the only way Earth had a prayer of contacting us once we hit deep space.

That would be my life for ten years. This was the price I had to pay to ensure I outlived Eric Kolb. I had to agree to be crammed in this tin can going as fast as light for ten fucking years. You have any idea what the force of traveling that fast does to a body? Let’s just say that when we landed on a planet, my stomach wasn’t the only thing that needed re-adjusting.

I travelled with Denise who had only been in the space program for a total of two months but she gave the right answer to that question they kept asking and our fearless leader, Raymond, or Spaceman Ray as I called him. Ten years of a man so boring I think that the tasteless tube food is the most exciting thing he’s ever tried and a woman who thought everything she did was a mistake. We had to check on how she disposed of her shit like five times because she thought she was doing it wrong despite doing it right all five times.

But it would all be worth it when I saw his mossy forgotten tombstone. One day...

The entire trip was pretty pointless. We travelled to like three different planets in search of life. We found a couple of worm-like things on one and an intelligent race who wanted to form a meaningful relationship with us and visit our planet but the third one was a total rock. Ray and Denise wouldn’t shut up about it either. It was all just too exciting for them, they said. If we wanted to see an empty lump of a landscape, we didn’t need to travel for ten years, we could’ve just flown to what was left of Peru. It’s amazing what a few years, some earthquakes, and a typhoon or two can do to a place.

When we finally saw Earth, I parked my ass next to that door and waited  as we flew back into the atmosphere. Ray and Denise were freaking out because they couldn’t make contact or something. I told them to relax. 100 years had passed to them. We’ll be lucky if anyone remembers how to use a radio. Meanwhile relaxing was the last thing on my mind.

We crashed into a brown and thick sea off the coast of New York, home sweet home. We were supposed to land somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico right where we could get picked up but our calculations must’ve been a hair off. Ray and Denise stayed in the shi[trying every type of communication at our disposal but I couldn’t wait any longer. I opened the door and took a big breath of home. It was warmer and muskier than I remembered. I saw land just a few hundred yards away so I dove into the slop and swam dead for shore. I didn’t see anyone when I hit shore and that was the first time it really hit me. I looked over the horizon and saw an orange sky with thick, dusty wind. I saw gnarred and burned buildings. I saw nothing green or blue, no happy lively colors at all. What they told me--what I wanted came true: every person I’d ever known had died, but I wasn’t sure old age was the culprit anymore.

We were only gone 100 years to this planet. What could've happened that was so drastic? So destructive?

I swam back to the ship to inform Denise and Spaceman Ray of our possible predicament but wasn’t prepared for what I saw. Both Denise and Ray were dead. Their faces were an orange tint and it looked like they had been gasping for air. Almost like the oxygen had been ripped straight out of them.

I felt the ship be hit gently on the side, it rocked in the thick ocean. I felt it again, this time gentler, more like a knock than being hit.

I left the ship to see if I could see what caused the hit and I wish I didn’t. I saw ten bobbing heads in the water. They looked up at me with big wet smiles. Their teeth were green and their lips a cracked blue. They looked human, just barely, but human. They circled around me. I didn’t know what to do so I dove back inside the ship to try and find a weapon of some sort. That wasn’t the right idea because they hopped in the ship faster than I could find anything of use and pounced on top of me.

They dragged me out of the ship and through the water until we got to shore. They didn’t stop there. They dragged me past a burnt and broken Central Park and laid me down in front of a building. I looked up in awe of this building. Everything else about this city, about this world seemed destroyed and desolate. This building was pristine. Untouched. Beautiful. 67 Wolcott Lane.

Why? Why here? Why this place? I wouldn’t be waiting long for my answer. One of the...let’s call them humans, walked up to the door and knocked. A few seconds later the door swung open to reveal Eric Fucking Kolb standing there. He didn’t even look like any of the other decrepit sub-humans. He looked like the day I left him.

“Oh, Issac, good to see you. How was the trip?” Eric said.

“How?” I said.

“Oh real funny story. So a few years after you left, about fifty or so, we were visited by some aliens. They said that they had met you and your crew out in space and were excited to see the rest of the Earthlings. But when they saw the kind of shit we do to one another, they got a bit cranky. They still thought you three were saints and help out hope for mankind.” Eric said.

“Glad I make such an impression.” I said.

“You did. Then they got a whiff of your record and some of the things you’ve done. Especially to the actually innocent and decent people such as myself. They weren’t so happy after that.” Eric said.

“What are talking about, you piece of shit? What record? What decent people? I don’t see any.” I said.

“Well. A lie can travel pretty fast I’ve learned. Faster than light at times. You didn’t give me many ways to keep up with you Isaac” Eric said.

“You lied and doomed the planet just to spite me?” I said.

“Not entirely. The aliens were happy I was so upfront with them and they rewarded me.” Eric waved a hand and some of the sub-humans grabbed me and carried me toward the door. “Don’t worry, Isaac. I’ll take good care of you. That’s what the aliens wanted me to do with you anyway. I do owe them for giving me this power.”

“So you’re going to what, kill me?”

“No, not at all. I’m looking forward to our future, Isaac. You’re going to love this new life. At least I’ll make you love it. Soon you’ll be like one of these people.” Eric said.

“Not a chance. I’ll fight out of this. I’ll make you wish you had died before my ship landed back down.” I said.

I’m bad at taking selfies but I got some sick Goosebumps Graphix to celebrate crossing the 300 follower mark. Thank you guys, not just for the excuse to buy even more Goosebumps but for checking out this blog and thinking ‘hey, this guy ain’t bad’. I appreciate each and every one of you.