But I was so easily replaced.

You saw my brightness, tried to steal it from me.

What once you loved, you erased.

I should have seen the signs.

2:35 041625

hindi pa ako umiiyak— last month is another rollercoaster ride for me.

sobrang daming nangyari nung nakaraang buwan, sobrang bilis, sobrang sakit, pero ang saya rin—sobra sobra ang ligaya na umabot sa puntong sana hindi na matapos.

literal na para akong sumakay sa roller coaster, sa daming bagay na nangyari, may mga pagkakataon ngang hindi ko malaman kung totoong masaya ba ako o tinatakpan ko lang yung sakit sa dibdib ko dahil—sa totoo lang….

hindi pa ako umiiyak.

hindi ko pa nailalabas yung galit sa nangyari sakin sa trabaho, sobrang tanga ko na walang masamang tinapay sa akin ang mga taong nasa paligid ko at ang pagbibigay ng tiwala.

hindi ko pa nailalabas ang mga luha ko dahil hinayaan kong tratuhin akong isang walang kwenta, pinalagpas ko ang mga pagkakataong nagpakitabng walang respeto at pambabastos hindi lg sakin pati sa aking pamilya.

hindi pa ako umiiyak— hindi ko maramdaman na kailangan kong umiyak

hindi ko alam, gusto kong umiyak subalit puno rin ng kaligayahan ang aking puso.

ang hirap—life gets harder when you don’t know what your true feelings are.

I feel wonderful, but I am also feeling nothing.

— cherrycron

There's still these moments where I find myself grieving over a lost situationship. Reading the below article helped a lot. Everything that the article mentioned just hits home. (I might reread it again.)

The content of the article validates my feelings of dejection and makes me feel normal and less alone. Cause truly, I also judge myself for feeling things because the relationship it wasn't "official" per se.

The next mission is to answer what the lost situationship really meant to me. It definitely hit something deep inside. Because why else would I have this reaction to its ending after all?

And even though I was the one who ended things, that decision was something my heart was very very much against, you know. (Even until now after everything's said and done.)

So let me take a little bit more time to grieve before I can finally say, "I'm okay."

I wish I practiced expressing how I feel in words more

Even though something ended, and probably for the better it is still weird.

Its weird to spend a great deal of time, years with someone

Going on long walks together, traveling, drinking, eating, playing games, celebrating holidays, studying, watching movies together for it to just end

It's weird because I will be reminded of the times spent with this person, and I will just be like melancholic. I know that you were not the one meant for me, and I was definitely not the one meant for you, but I still get kinda weird feelings sometimes. Just because we spent so much time and experiences together so of course it will get weird at times when I am reminded of you.

It's kind of like I lost a friend. But it's weird because I don't think we were actually good friends to each other. I think I was good to you 96% of the time, and you it was 50/50. I can't lie, you tried to love me at one point. you spent a lot of time trying to do things for me. But I dont think it was actual love ever. I don't think we ever had a deep connection. you know that. we tried at one point... or I did rather. It's my fault for starting off things weird. but I think if we were really meant to be, we couldn't help but be in love with each other right off the bat.

Anyway, I am still confused by the entire situation at times. I am ok about it 97% of the time, but 3% of the time I get little reminders of your existence. you had an abrupt official leave from my life, but I think we both knew it was happening over time. I kept trying to keep things together, and you were confusing as fuck. I feel bad in general about it. Im sorry for being so abrupt on you. But then I remember the few weeks where you literally told me apparent? lies. You said to my face we cant be together, my parents will never accept you, and *thats* why. Then this story changed to - its not my parents its actually how I feel, I cant be with "someone" like you. Then it changed to - I actually lied about my parents completely. they never said a thing about you. they never had a problem with you. its just me.

It's like you search for issues/problems. Maybe you feel comfortable that way. It's like thats all you ever knew, so if things aren't chaotic you will fill that void in by creating chaos yourself.

Tonight is the first night since you told me I cant study outside that I am studying outside, late at night. It felt so weird to go back out after 7 and go to SBU to study. It kinda feels like I am doing something wrong by being here. I changed a lot of myself to appease you. I noticed that I became more of a pushover, and more submissive or agreeable with people. Timid, and not as ambitious, more laid back, more careless, less driven, and more people pleaser as I was with you. Thats not good. I feel like I am regaining who I am back again.

I am sad that I hurt you. But you kinda hurt me more. In my opinion, a good relationship is really built on a strong foundation thats created by a good man. I am not saying youre not good, but you know that you didnt display the best version of yourself when you were with me.

hell yeah let's go

10. Top three favourite fic tropes.

I'm going to try to avoid kinks bc that's just noncon, noncon, and noncon.

Getting Together / First Time - I cannot get enough of this. This is IT. This is the Reason I Read Fic. Who are these people and how do they encounter each other? What draws them together? What boundaries must be crossed to make them acknowledge their feelings and, more importantly, fuck? First Kiss also falls under this, which offers me the opportunity to rec the most brain-searingly brilliant TLT fic of all time, lux perpetua luceat eis by skvadern.

Experimental Format - Recently read a fic that was told through a series of scripts in different styles -- sitcom, stage play, greek tragedy, etc. I'm also permanently heart-eyed over my gf's brilliant Fear Death by Water which uses experimental format to devastating effect. Also also, read a fucking hysterical/tragic fic in the form of a very emoji-heavy powerpoint. (Both TLT fics here are by AO3 user flemeth who is apparently the smartest person ever.)

Copping out for number three and saying INCEST! FAVE TROPE OF ALL TIME LET'S GO! That's a whole other essay I won't go into now.

20. Do you work on a single project or many at the same time? How does that work for you?

I go back and forth but lately it's been mostly one at a time bc I've only been doing exchanges and not writing just for me. When I am writing for me I'm usually working on multiple things at once.

30. Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn’t.

You mean my dead WIPs pile? There are a lot that I want to return to, but probably the most "wanted to write will never finish and don't intend to" is the follow-up fic to Fuji that my co-author and I no longer feel the need to write. We got out of our systems what we intended to in that first fic. Which was insane, but beloved. The dead fic was a direct continuation of the first one, in which Hinata and Sakura finally fuck, things get WAY WORSE for Naruto and Sasuke, and Sakura gets to have her comeuppance for tolerating Naruto's bad behavior all these years.

40. Write a 9-word fic.

Accountability/mental health post about friendship

This month I’ve encountered jealousy, anger, self-doubt, regret, worry & desire. It’s been a month of big feelings. And every time something I call discomfort, rises. I’ve been squirming & grimacing like there was something in my innards that didn’t sit well. It’s called shame. Never mind why I’ve found shame in having large feelings. I’m not saying it doesn’t matter, I’m saying it’s my lesson…