sick sad world

I wish I practiced expressing how I feel in words more

Even though something ended, and probably for the better it is still weird.

Its weird to spend a great deal of time, years with someone

Going on long walks together, traveling, drinking, eating, playing games, celebrating holidays, studying, watching movies together for it to just end

It's weird because I will be reminded of the times spent with this person, and I will just be like melancholic. I know that you were not the one meant for me, and I was definitely not the one meant for you, but I still get kinda weird feelings sometimes. Just because we spent so much time and experiences together so of course it will get weird at times when I am reminded of you.

It's kind of like I lost a friend. But it's weird because I don't think we were actually good friends to each other. I think I was good to you 96% of the time, and you it was 50/50. I can't lie, you tried to love me at one point. you spent a lot of time trying to do things for me. But I dont think it was actual love ever. I don't think we ever had a deep connection. you know that. we tried at one point... or I did rather. It's my fault for starting off things weird. but I think if we were really meant to be, we couldn't help but be in love with each other right off the bat.

Anyway, I am still confused by the entire situation at times. I am ok about it 97% of the time, but 3% of the time I get little reminders of your existence. you had an abrupt official leave from my life, but I think we both knew it was happening over time. I kept trying to keep things together, and you were confusing as fuck. I feel bad in general about it. Im sorry for being so abrupt on you. But then I remember the few weeks where you literally told me apparent? lies. You said to my face we cant be together, my parents will never accept you, and *thats* why. Then this story changed to - its not my parents its actually how I feel, I cant be with "someone" like you. Then it changed to - I actually lied about my parents completely. they never said a thing about you. they never had a problem with you. its just me.

It's like you search for issues/problems. Maybe you feel comfortable that way. It's like thats all you ever knew, so if things aren't chaotic you will fill that void in by creating chaos yourself.

Tonight is the first night since you told me I cant study outside that I am studying outside, late at night. It felt so weird to go back out after 7 and go to SBU to study. It kinda feels like I am doing something wrong by being here. I changed a lot of myself to appease you. I noticed that I became more of a pushover, and more submissive or agreeable with people. Timid, and not as ambitious, more laid back, more careless, less driven, and more people pleaser as I was with you. Thats not good. I feel like I am regaining who I am back again.

I am sad that I hurt you. But you kinda hurt me more. In my opinion, a good relationship is really built on a strong foundation thats created by a good man. I am not saying youre not good, but you know that you didnt display the best version of yourself when you were with me.