Idk if this makes sense, but I think my experience of gender is comparable to my experience of my own emotions (although tbf in the latter case I at least have physical reactions to work with). That is to say, it’s almost in third person? It’s something that exists outside of my sense of self and which is primarily discernible by and identifiable via the pattern I’ve observed from other people. I can identify ‘feminine and masculine energies’ the same way I developed cognitive empathy to a compensatory degree: through pattern recognition and a lifetime of dedicated practice. But for myself, gender has only ever been a conscious performance when I think to engage with it at all.

Pronouns are just…whatever? Use what’s comfortable. I know they matter to other people, and ofc I happily use their stated preference. It’s just that, personally, I’m all good. I’m comfortable being perceived as I am bc I’m used to it, and it’s never been a problem for me beyond annoyance or mild discomfort. My body is just my body. I like my hair long and I hate wearing skirts. I’d rather mow the lawn than clean, but I do enjoy cooking and baking (if not all the time). Makeup’s usually a hassle, but eyeshadow blending can be fun and pretty. I liked making puppet shows with barbies as a kid and also used to rollerblade through half-built houses and the local swimming pool pit. I played sports until I couldn’t anymore and still like to shake my ass on a dance floor. What does any of that have to do with the body I do it in? I have beef with it sometimes lol, but that’s just chronic illness and sensory bs. It’s not innately endowing me with behavioural characteristics. Just do whatever you want forever why does it need to be ‘gendered’ idk

I mean, obviously, I’m aware of the way others view and treat me according to their perception of my gender, but that’s v much a them thing? No amount of telling me this or that thing wasn’t ladylike was ever going to affect my behaviour lol. I’m also very conscious (and critical) of how other people conceive of themselves and each other within that social framework, and how that impacts us all socially and politically. I’m not blind to the trends, and I am very firmly feminist and obviously supportive of trans rights. It’s just that I don’t share the internal experience ig. On the inside, I’m just…me. Idk.

It just makes conversations around gender and gender roles outside social/political commentary kind of absurd or confusing to me. Or even sexual attraction a lot of the time bc I only really operate in the tertiary (though sapphically oriented) aesthetic and intellectual, and erotic desire is near exclusive to kink (non-sexual on my end usually, but given I’m talking about sm, let’s just say the exact combination for compatibility doesn’t strike too often). The same with discussions of romantic love and various amatonormative talking points as if any of this should just instinctively make sense to me.

Idk, story of my life maybe but just…what is anyone ever talking about?

Up really early this morning, thinking about many things, preparing for how I'm going to spend the next three weeks, and listening to this.