#princess-nell

“I want Nelson and Murdock back,” he goes on. “Okay? Is that what you wanted me to admit? I have a great job and they respect me and it pays the bills, but fuck, Matt, you know I’m not happy. You can probably smell it. I want our little office back, with you and Karen and our small-time clients who pay us in cobbler and favors. But I can’t, I can’t…” He takes a ragged breath. “I want it to be what we talked about in college. What you promised me we’d have when we walked away from Landman and Zack. You and me as partners, Matt, not you talking me into cases I’m not comfortable with and then bailing on them. I want to know where you are when you can’t make it to court. I want to know you’re alive. I want you not to lie to me. I can’t - you can’t lie to me, Matt. I can’t bear it.”

It was important to me that Foggy set boundaries here. I have a shameful love for eternally loyal doormat Foggy, but more on the comics end of things, and also that’s, like, not good for anyone’s mental health.

Also I will forever be at least a little annoyed at Matt and Karen for bullying Foggy into the Castle case. It’s not actually morally reprehensible for Foggy to be like “Nope, I’d rather not defend a mass murderer, I think he’s a bad person and he scares me.” Those are reasonable feelings! About which neither Matt nor Karen cares because they’re using Frank to work through their own shit! At least Karen actually does work on the case, Matthew.

Anyway the end of this chunk is the key, I think: Foggy doesn’t say “don’t be Daredevil,” he says “let me know you’re alive, and don’t lie to me.” At the end of the day, that’s the price of admission for him.

“Foggy - ”

Foggy shakes his head. “I want to know you care, even a little. I don’t need you to want me back. I’ve never needed that. I just want to know that I matter to you. That’s all.” He swipes at his cheek. “And yeah, okay, fine, full disclosure: I’ve been in love with you since I was eighteen. That’s beside the point. I’m never going to ask you for something you can’t give.”

Foggy had the “okay, he’ll never love me back, but his friendship is a gift” acceptance journey in college, but he still went ahead and built his life around Matt, so the idea that he not only never had Matt’s love, he never even really had his friendship is devastating to him.

Of course, for Matt’s part this whole paragraph is insane because a) OBVIOUSLY Foggy matters to him, how could Foggy not know that, Foggy matters so much (hint: it’s because you abandoned him and lied to him, Matt), and b) Foggy’s acting like Matt’s out of his league when CLEARLY it’s FOGGY who’s out of MATT’S league.

Talk to your friends, people! It clears a lot of this stuff up.

Matt’s crying now, too; not the ugly crying of the other night, but silent tears streaming down his face, his chin trembling like a leaf. Foggy wishes it didn’t affect him. Matt walks closer and Foggy stiffens, but Matt doesn’t reach for him. He just sits on the edge of the bed, helmet in hands, unfocused stare straight ahead.

Matt has a lot of trouble believing that people love him, but it’s pretty undeniable right now that Foggy does. It’s making him feel some kind of way.

“I want you to come home,” he says, very quietly. “Home to Nelson and Murdock. Where you belong. It’s so empty without you, Foggy. There’s no point.” He turns the helmet over in his hands. “I want you to understand that this is who I am. You’re right that I can’t stop. I won’t stop. And I can’t promise that I won’t...that you won’t need that eulogy sooner than you like. I can only promise to try and stave it off as long as I can.

I just love the idea of Matt sitting on Foggy’s bed, in Foggy’s house, and saying “I want you to come home” and meaning their office.

Matt’s not at all afraid of dying, so this is a concession - trying to stay alive for Foggy.

“I want you to listen when I try to explain this stuff to you. I know I don’t always do a very good job, but I’ve never had someone to talk out loud to about it, either. I want you to believe that I don’t take cases for the hell of it or to make you miserable - I take them because I believe in them. I want you to only take cases you believe in, too. I want you to use your good heart in the service of the law and not just your good brain.”

For a lawyer, Matt is terrible at articulating his abilities and feelings. But then, he has no practice at it.

I know I said above that I’m mad at Matt and Karen, but I also can’t see them going any other way re: the Castle case, because they both have the same reaction to any action they consider a moral imperative, which is “OKAY WE GOTTA.” And poor Foggy is like “Okay, but let’s consider all the angles” and they’re like “NO WE GOTTA WE GOTTA WE GOTTA.” Both of them, when afire with moral outrage, push against any resistance until either the resistance breaks or they do, and if the resistance is Foggy, well...too bad for Foggy. It’s both admirable and maddening, but it is genuinely unintentional.

And yeah, Matt is being both patronizing and correct at the end there. Though Foggy is way less likely to take sketchy cases on the show than in the comics. Matt just considers “reasonable compromise” to be kinda sketchy on principle.

That is some patronizing bullshit right there, but Matt let Foggy have his say, so Foggy keeps his mouth shut while Matt continues. “I want you to be patient with me,” Matt says. “Maybe it’s not fair to ask for more patience when you’ve already given me so much, but I’m not...I don’t...I’m not like this because it’s fun for me. I’m like this because I’m like this. I get angry and I keep secrets and I don’t always think things through. But I was trying, for you. I want you to let me keep trying.”

“I’m not like this because it’s fun for me” is so important; as mad as I am at Matt after this season and as much as I applaud Foggy (and Karen) setting boundaries and getting the eff away, Matt’s bad behavior isn’t intentional. So much of it is borne out of trauma and what is probably undiagnosed mental illness (the comics are pretty explicit about his depression, for one). Foggy and Karen have every right to not be around someone who hurts them, but Matt doesn’t have the same ability to walk away from himself.

But at the same time, being a dick because you’re hurting and being a dick because you’re a dick look the same from the outside, and have the same effect. The biggest gift Matt can give Foggy at this point is this open communication.

The corner of his mouth turns up. “And as long as we’re being honest, I’ve been in love with you since I was eighteen, too.”

Matt Murdock: King of Ill-Timed Romantic Come-Ons.

-

And the second section!

“I’m serious. I don’t know if this is a good idea. You just got out of...two relationships? One and a half?” Matt tilts his head, an acknowledgement. “You’re not in a good place right now, Matty.”

Honestly this really needed a much longer slow burn and way more Karen page time to really do justice to Matt’s feelings and healing process and both of them being respectful about Karen, but this fic just kind of poured out of me, so. (And hey, it’s not like Matt or Karen considered Foggy’s feelings even a little bit when they started dating, but Foggy’s the Mom Friend.)

And yeah, that’s Matt’s face when he’s trying not to smile. “What?” Foggy asks.

Matt ducks his head. “Matty.”

DAMMIT THEY HAD BETTER START USING THIS NICKNAME ON THE SHOW SOON. Anyway Foggy calling Matt “Matty” always makes him feel precious and safe, SO.

“Oh my God.” Foggy can’t help smiling as Matt tucks his head into the crook of Foggy’s neck. He grabs Matt’s hand, pulls the glove off and entwines his fingers with Matt’s. “You are such a sap.”

“You are such a sap,” Foggy says as he aggressively holds Matt’s hand.

“No.”

“Yes.”

Matt butts his forehead against Foggy’s jaw gently and seems to consider that enough of an argument. Foggy sighs and rubs his thumb against the back of Matt’s hand.

What a cat.

“We’ll take it slow,” he says finally. “I’m not leaving my job, not yet. I want to make sure that we can - that this works. That we can make this work again. And we still have a lot to talk about.”

I am pretty sure that “taking it slow” means Foggy will give notice at HC&B before the month is out, but he’s trying! He is, however, the dude who declared that he and Matt were ALL-TIME BFFS NO SECRETS!!!1 five minutes after meeting him, so.

“Okay,” Matt says.

“You can tell me about the Daredevil stuff,” Foggy continues. “And I’ll work harder on listening. But I need you to give me something to listen to, Matt.”

“Okay,” Matt says again.

“...We can try some more of that kissing thing.”

And that’s Matt smiling against his neck. “Definitely okay.”

Foggy opens his mouth to say something else, but yawns instead. Matt pulls back. “You should sleep,” he says, with a truly hilarious level of concern from someone who looks like he hasn’t been this close to a pillow in seventy-two hours. “I should go.”

One of my favorite things about Matt is how hypocritical he is about his loved ones’ safety and self-care. “YOU NEED TO BE SAFE,” he says, wrapping Foggy and Karen and Claire in bubble wrap while bleeding from his pores.

He stands up, but Foggy doesn’t let go of his hand. “Stay,” he says, and feels a sudden flush up the back of his neck. “Just to sleep, I mean. But. Stay.”

These co-sleeping babies. <3

It’s worth the minor embarrassment, because Matt beams. Foggy didn’t know until he saw that smile how scared he was he’d never be the cause of it again. “If you want me to.”

“Yeah. But close the window, would you? It’s freezing in here.” Foggy heads for the dresser while Matt obeys, and pulls out the same shirt Matt wore the other night. He pauses when he hears the window thump shut. “Hey. Why did you - you know what, never mind.”

“What?” Matt asks, pulling off his other glove.

Foggy hesitates, but he has spent all night talking about honesty. “Why did you really come by here, that first night?”

“Uh.” Why does Matt suddenly look mildly panicked? “I don’t, um. Is that important?”

Foggy feels his eyebrows go up. “Judging by your reaction, it might be.”

“It’s not bad. I don’t think,” Matt says quickly. “But it’s. It’s. I don’t want you to be mad at me again.”

Progress! “I'm not ready to tell you” is so much better than a flat-out lie.

He says that last in a tiny voice, and Foggy is still, after everything, a sucker for Matt Murdock. Pushing this won’t help, not right now. “All right,” he says. “Why don’t you tell me when you’re ready?”

Matt gives a relieved nod, and catches the shirt Foggy throws at his face. Foggy busies himself changing for bed, brushing his teeth and making sure the front door is locked and the lights are out. By the time he returns to the bedroom Matt is a twisted little ball of sad handsome under the covers.

Matt gets to wear a shirt that smells like Foggy!!! And sleep in a bed that smells like Foggy!!! With Foggy!!! This is basically Christmas to his love-starved heart and nose.

Foggy’s heart does something that’s got to be audible, it’s so strong. They aren’t fixed, not by a long shot. And even if things between the two of them get better, there’s still Karen’s feelings to consider, and Nelson and Murdock, and the fact that Matt could still die a violent death any night no matter how careful Foggy asks him to be.

But right now Matt is here, in his bed, waiting for Foggy.

This is also really key to me: Matt is never going to be an easy person to know or love. He’s just not made that way. (I mean, no one is, but especially Matt.) So it’s important that the joy overwhelm the stress, otherwise Foggy’s just miserable and drained all the time. And for Foggy, Matt’s sheer presence carries a fair amount of joy.

Foggy shuts out the bedroom light and slides under the covers. Immediately Matt curls into him, his head tucked against Foggy’s shoulder and his hand flat on Foggy’s chest. “Is this okay?”

SO TACTILE. He’s so touch-starved, what a disaster. :(

“Yeah, buddy.” This is a good third of Foggy’s most pathetic fantasies over the past decade. It’s more than okay.

Foggy would fantasize about cuddling. (Me too, Fog, no judgment.)

He lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes. It’s been an exhausting night.

“It wasn’t the first time.” Matt, very quiet.

Foggy turns his head. “Mm?”

“That night, that first night on your fire escape. It. It wasn’t the first time I came by,” Matt says. His hand is trembling on Foggy’s chest. “You never heard me. I never intended for you to hear me.”

With the lights out Matt feels more confident, like he and Foggy are on a level playing field (which of course they’re not, he’s much more capable in the dark than Foggy is). It’s part of why he’s able to say this now.

Foggy opens his eyes and frowns into the darkness. Why would…? “Shit,” he says, realizing. “Ninjas or the Punisher?”

“What?”

“Is it ninjas after me, or the Punisher?”

“What? No, no one’s after you. I don’t think.” Matt’s fingers clench in Foggy’s T-shirt. “I told you I came to the hospital, to listen to you. To know you were okay. That’s. That’s what I was doing here.”

Foggy blinks. “You were just...sitting there in the cold? Listening to me?”

“And. And smelling.” When Matt speaks again, his voice is a little frantic. “Foggy, we lived together. And the dorms were loud, and chaotic, and...I don’t know, I got used to using your heart to tune it out. And even when we didn’t live together, we spent all day together, and...I’d never gone so long without listening to your heart. I missed it.”

In the comics, Foggy’s heart is the first one Matt mentions being able to identify. He’s been listening to that heart for fifty years. <3

“Wait. Hearts sound different to you?” Foggy asks. “You can recognize mine specifically?”

Matt nods against his shoulder. “It’s my favorite.”