#pride 48

Today from 4-6 PM EST Chaotic Ravings will be interviewing film maker and musician Anthony Brownrigg about his new music project Battlescars. 

We have interviewed Anthony before on Finite Exposure about his werewolf project Freeborn, so we are looking forward to catching up with him again.

While Chaos and I were on one of our many shows which has no real direction, short of us chatting for about two hours, I mentioned my depression.

Now keep in mind this is not a diagnosed condition, but something I believe to be depression. Zinnia Jones introduced me to the phrase "emotionally numb", which explains me perfectly.

Here is the thing, my chest, where i'm guessing you feel emotions, is void. I feel like my chest is in a drugged haze, much like if you are on medication for being sick sometimes your mind feels like it is in a fog. My mind has always been cold and logical, but I noticed even when I was at a funeral for a close family friend that I felt almost nothing, and what I did, through years of practice was pushed into some bottle somewhere.

Now I have an idea when this all started, 1988.

I had been going through the year going from Phenobarbital to Zarontin. It was also my eighth grade year, we had moved from southern minnesota to sioux Falls, SD to a juvenile work ranch. 

So to review, We moved to a new state, to a place with kids in high school while I was in 8th grade, the school was about 20 minutes one way out in the middle of nowhere.

The kicker was the medication though. I had a lot of emotional problems that some of may have been caused by the phenobarbital, but a lot were just me. I had a short temper, I was not athletic, I was very socially awkward and most people only kept me around so they could look better. 

There were some other factors to my instability too. I had learned about masterbation when I was about 7 or 8. I was grounded and my room was in the basement, some kids came to my window and told me of something cool they had learned of (probably walking in on dad) and told me to try it. I had no clue what it was but I knew it gave me a rush.

It became a problem by this time as I still had no clue at all what I was doing, just that it made me feel normal and not depressed. so basically it was another form of medicating myself.

Well the deciding day was after a few months of being on Zarontin while my mental seizure activity had gone from one every second to one every ten, my attitude was not better.

Remember I had just been uprooted from the place I was born, had just had my 7th grade year where a lot of kids in both my schools growing up were all together leading me to think this would be the best time of my life (not anywhere near incidentally). I lived out on a ranch with kids who were criminals and behaved very badly, boys I was told not to get friendly with. no way to be close to people from class, and no one to talk to.

When it was discovered the medication wasn't making me a better person emotionally my mom said if this doesn't do it we might have to change medication again.

FUCK NO.

so I started bottling everything. I started catching myself laughing so I didn't get to happy. I swallowed my anger, hid in my room and worked on calming myself. The more i did it the easier it got.

What I didn't notice right away was everything was being diminished. I didn't enjoy masterbating anymore, though honestly I don't think that worked anymore anyway. 

To my parents relief I was calmer and when I graduated I was on the B honor roll, which I was proud of.

Now though I'm going on my 25th year of this and I am very tired of it.

I can't sleep, though my chronic knee pains are a good factor of that too. I can have friends but I feel like a five year old again begging for attention. when some poor sob does talk to me it is like I can't shut up. I just want to talk to anyone, and then I feel self conscious and bury it again.

I'm talking to someone in Second Life right now and it has bled over into there too.

I was a dumb shit a few years ago and thought because everyone else was open about their real life appearance I should be.

One thing is, no one gave a shit. I never got anyone asking about it.

the second thing is the character died.

It actually did in a dream, and I woke up feeling like I'd just lost a member of my family. I still play the character, in fact I'm on that name now, but it is more out of desperation than anything.

I put all of my proverbial chips on this and now I have nothing else I can do. I COULD start again but I miss her and it never lasts more than a week or so.

When I tied the person I am, who I loathe, to the person I wanted to be the dream literally died and nothing has replaced it.

SO to the question that titles this. Someone during my show in chat said it is my belief (forged over 25 years remember) that I have no emotion. Maybe but 25 years is a LOT to break through especially when you are alone.

I don't want to go on more drugs to "Feel normal". I am on enough thank you very much. I don't want the wall shattered either, I couldn't handle the backlash from it.

Just a little chip at a time would be nice. 

This year I went to Las Vegas to meet with the other Pride 48 podcasters and while I did enjoy it I realized how much a shell I was when I didn't feel any excitement or any happiness. It was just another day where I woke up, lived as I can, and pretended to go to sleep.

Another day another podcast coming up. since my co host is still MIA it will be me running off at the mouth for almost two hours again. the funny thing is, I like it. 

When I have a o host I let them run on and on because I don't think my opinion matters. they have things to talk about and I'll step in from time to time, but mostly just let them go.

Now I'm back to being on my own again after a couple years, and I have a couple people usually in chat to interact with. It is very refreshing.

So tonight marked the second week in a row where I was on my own. Since I have a chat room it isn't quite so bad now, I have some response to things, if a minute or so late. It has gotten me comfortable with just rambling knowing for the first time in years I have instant feedback.

On that thought with no fear of being judged by my co host, who I honestly doubt cares one way or another, I have gotten much more open about my feelings about things, since this is Pride 48 sexuality has been a big one.

I talked a lot about what I thought of my sexuality, that I considered myself asexual, and the reasons behind it. Also I talked about seeing myself as a transgender person. 

One of the ways that always helped was that when I role play online, where of course no one can see me, I always pick a female. I have tried male characters, the longest one being a DJ in Second Life that looks as close to me as I could get it called Rendal Meriman. Even Speyeder, who is a shape changer, did try a male form for a couple days. It just wasn't possible. 

For me I started Speyeder, my longest running feminine character, 14 years now role playing her, I started her as a hermaphrodite character. The reasoning was simple. I wanted to play a female but didn't know anything about sex from the viewpoint of a female, so I had both.

The MUCK I was on, Tapestries, was an adult chat, which was a nice way of saying we laid the foundation for sexting over a decade before it had a name. My room mate at the time and I used it as an escape quite well. After 6 years we migrated to Second Life. 

I started my Second Life as Rendal Lamington. It was a male character that I was actually enjoying, I hosted games and Djed sometimes. There was a bug at the time that "ruthed" male avatars. this would usually happen after a teleport. the male avatar would be switched to a female avatar. Sometimes this would only be visible on the players screen, other times everyone could see it. I didn't mind it much, I thought all things considered I looked kind of cute, though I never switched.

Then one night I was helping host in my room mates bar and the theme was pretty in pink. Well being a guy I didn't think it would make sense to be in a male avatar in pink (this is before Wanz would pull it off nicely in Thrift Shop), so I switched genders, and bought a pink outfit. And that was pretty much the last time I played a male character for any length of time. it was about seven years ago.

Speyeder made the transition to Second Life later. She was still a hermaphrodite, that mattered little though in SL at the time as genetailia wasn't to good so most people didn't even bother with it. I wasn't to sexually active yet though. It didn't happen until I came to the City of Lost Angels, where adult RP was pretty much the driving force that I really started getting into it in SL.

As things changed I started role playing less as a hermaphrodite and more as a woman. It didn't occur to me I had until one night when a woman started a sexual RP and made love to me as if I were one.

That was very liberating. I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore. And so I eventually dropped the hermaphrodite part of the RP altogether. 

Over the past few months Speyeder, like myself, has taken on a more Asexual view. If someone comes up to her and wants to have a sexual rp she will oblige, though more for the sake of having something to do. I treat role play as a writing exercise so the more I can do it the more I like it. 

A couple days ago I was in a sexual rp, and I tried to enjoy it because it looked like the other person was. I just couldn't do it. I think I'm to the point where I know how I feel, now I just wish my physical body matched my Second Life one. 

I am one of those people who when asked if you could push a button and change your gender, I would, gladly. the thing is I would want to become Speyeder. that is who I want to be, not a female version of the person I've made self loathing an art form over.

The thing is, even if somehow that was possible, I wouldn't do it. Why? I would think it selfish. It would make life difficult for my family and those who knew me. As I said on Chaotic Ravings tonight, I was an asshole for a long time. so I tend to think I used up my quota of selfish behavior. Unless everyone I know all died at once so i could truly start over, I would never push that button. I have a feeling if that every did happen that would though it would destroy me to know what it cost. 

So the long and the short of it is I will likely be trapped in this pathetic shell for my entire life, knowing what I would love to be and never having the conviction to change because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else.

So me and my co host on Finite Exposure did a Christmas show for Pride 48, and after talking to a couple people thought it might be fun to do a show for them. It seems like it will be happening, though I'm finding myself both happy and apprehensive.

Part of it is i like the idea of branching out. I just finished Rendal's Ravings for the FBC, and the first episode airs today. It is neat though not something "Major" because it is pre recorded and only about 30 minutes long.

Pride 48's show on the other hand will be live, and probably at LEAST an hour. This is something I don't know if I could do on my own or even with Chaos, who is on Finite Exposure with me.

Mainly because I'm still up in the air sexually. I have pretty much come to terms with being Asexual, but I don't fully know what that means yet. I don't know that it HAS TO mean anything, that is just how I work that i like simple explanations for things.

I'm still in the emotionally numb phase that I have lived in for the better part of twenty years, as such I feel unequipped to make decisions which should be in some way at least based on emotion.

I was listening to a show on Pride 48 and they mentioned having a day long run of shows pertaining to the holidays. Me and my co-host on Finite Exposure decided to do one and then I did one myself. So for fun here are the links to both. the Rendal's Ravings is about 25 minutes and fairly straight forward, the Finite Exposure one is over and hour and very silly :).

Finite Exposure for Pride 48

Episode 125 : Pride 48 Live!

Posted on September 18, 2012 by admin

The following episode of Secretly Timid was broadcast live on Sunday, September 16, 2012 as part of the Pride 48 marathon of podcasts. It was hella fun.

Hot topics included : Amanda Bynes can’t drive, a high school holds a spirit day drenched in rape culture, Rick Santorum calls the Republican Base stupid, and a naked man gnaws on a woman’s head.

A special thanks to all those involved in Pride 48. Thank you so much for allowing us to share the stage with all of you awesome ‘casters. It was an amazing event and we hope to participate again next year. A special, special thanks to all the chatters in the chat room. It was so great to be able to interact with you all in real time. 

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